Friendship vs. Dating: The Non-existent Line

Sorry about the late-ish post today, guys. I just ate dinner with my parents (and we had to catch it, as well).

Today's question comes from jedielf via the nerdfighter thread. Jedielf asks:

Do you think that the line between friendship and relationship is blurrier between nerds than between people who aren't?

Ok, here's the thing:

When I started this blog, I didn't necessarily start it with the assumption that nerdy dating is inherently different than "regular" dating. I was just starting it with the knowledge that I am a huge nerd, I am generally quite awesome with relationship advice, and there are some things that only a nerdy couple worry about. Most of the relationship advice I give is applicable in ANY situation. This is because people are people, and there really isn't much difference between how you approach a person you like, even if both of you are into Medieval Literature and astrophysics.

I think this is the most important thing I want to stress in my blog, actually: that just because you're labeled as a "nerd,"* does NOT mean that you are necessarily socially awkward or undesirable. I mean, nerd is the new chic sexy.** Sure, maybe a lot of self-described nerds are shy, and not as confident, but that's just because society has billed you guys that way. I'm a HUGE nerd.*** But I've discovered that being a nerd just means that I can be more confident in MORE areas than the average joe off the street. Being a nerd isn't about limiting yourself--it's about recognizing your potential as an intelligent, quirky individual. I mean, I was a huge athlete in high school****. I guess what I'm saying is that being a nerd should never do anything but broaden your horizons. Limiting yourself is just not fair--either to you or the world.

That being said, no, I don't think that the line between friends and "relationship" is blurred more for nerds. Actually, I think it's blurred for everyone. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people talk about "ruining the friendship by dating." I mean, let's look at this logically:

Note: I am studying for the LSATS right now, and thus, this portion of the blog will be in the format of parameter diagrams from the logic puzzles they use.


1. If you want to be in a successful relationship with someone, then you must share common interests:

i.e.: Successful Relationship --> Common Interests, but CI -/->^ SR

2. If you want to be in a successful relationship, then you must hang out with each other on a regular basis

i.e. SR --> hanging out, but "HO" -/-> SR

3. To be friends with someone, you MUST have Common Interests

i.e.: F -->CI, but CI -/-> Friendship

4. If you are friends with someone, then you hang out on a regular basis^^, and if you hang out on a regular basis, then you are probably friends.

i.e.: F <--> "HO"

That being said, it can be logically deduced that Friendship shares much of the same parameters of definition that being in a Relationship does. The line is blurred.

Face it: if you want to date someone, you probably should get to know them first. That means, you become friends first. Why would you EVER want to date someone you don't want to be friends with? People are like "well, I don't want to ruin the friendship." That's just bullshit. If you guys are really good friends, then the relationship WON'T ruin things; it'll make things better. Even if you break up, things WON'T be awkward.****** And you should ALWAYS be friends with the person you're dating. My mom always says that my dad is her best friend--and it's absolutely true. You have to be able to tell your significant other EVERYTHING, without fearing that ze will judge you or dump you.

That being said, it really IS unhealthy to date a friend that you're not willing to commit to fully. Always make sure both parties know the terms of the relationship*******. Always make sure nobody feels cheated out of something special. And always make sure that you don't do anything dumb********.

So there you have it: Nerds are people too, and people just need to get over the imaginary line between relationships and friendships. It's like that square/rectangle thing you learned in baby geometry. You know, how a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square? Well, a successful relationship stems from friendship, but friendship does not have to lead to romance.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: On the comments I have gotten:

Olivia: You're darling. I wish you luck! Also, your question in the comments WAS seen. I'll be getting to that not the next post, but the post after.

Zara: That is probably the best CAPTCHA code ever. I'm sure you ARE a sexy beast ;)





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*Or even if, like me, you wear that label proudly, like a pin on your trendy-messenger-bag-filled-with-class-notes

**How else do you explain the prevalence of sexy librarian/indie glasses in fashion? Or also, Harry Potter? I mean, not that Harry Potter is a look being paraded in Milan or anything, but black pleated skirts, glasses, and flow-y, robe-like clothing seem to be having a come back....

***I'm an English/Music double major at a school that has been rated as more masochistic than Harvard by the Princeton Review. My final recital is going to be a lecture recital on the expression of gender through classical music. I often text in haiku. I slam poetry on a regular basis, and I was an officer in the college's Sci-Fi Fantasy club. Do NOT mess with my nerdy geek street cred.

****I played year-round field hockey, and I ran track--grades 7 through 12. I even coached field hockey.

^I don't have time to upload pictures if I want to post this before midnight. Therefore, that really stupid looking broken arrow means "does not"

^^Bear in mind: "hanging out" is not limited to the physical sense of "being near each other," but can also mean chatting online, playing video games with each other, or talking on the phone. Basically, it means interacting with each other.

******I mean, things WILL be awkward for a little while, but if you guys are good enough friends, you'll get over it. True Story: two of my best guy friends in high school are boys that I was involved with. These were NOT healthy relationships, mainly because of extenuating circumstantial drama involving catty bitches and my complete cluelessness (at the time) as to what constituted "firting" and what didn't, but I'm still REALLY good friends with them. True friendship can last throughout ANYTHING. Even unfortunate incidents involving newspaper editorials, hospital visits, and song writing collaborations. Like I said, extenuating, circumstantial drama can fuck shit up.

******* And "relationship" means "if you two are emotionally involved with each other and also physically involved." Actually, strictly speaking, relationship just means "if you two care about each other in any way." So yeah, discuss the parameters. ALWAYS.

******** Dumb things include, but are not limited to: Sex-related drunk dials to a friend you ARE NOT dating while you are dating another friend, cheating, asking for an open relationship and then saying you don't want the other person to sleep with anyone else, judging/pushing boundaries in terms of sex, and just generally making a jackass of yourself.

Questions: How to straddle the fine line between creeper and interested friend

Today's question comes from ProudR/HrShipper via the nerdfighter thread

ProudR/HrShipper asks:

There's a guy who was in my math class who's cute and friendly. I'm not sure I'm "interested" in him, but I've thought about it. The thing is, I don't know how to ask a guy whether he's seeing anyone without seeming to be interested - because like I said, I'm not sure I want to ask him out. And I have several (not that close) guy friends who I would just like to know if they're seeing anyone, but again I don't know how to ask without them thinking I want to go out with them. How can I avoid being misunderstood?

Ah, yes: the perpetual dilemma: How do you ask about a person's life without sounding like a creeper?

I mean, I hate to sound like I'm endorsing a product too much, but Facebook is like, the ultimate source for information. While people may not have their relationship up, you can always check the wall and the photos. If ze has a ton of photos (recent ones) that show hir kissing someone, or, you know, captions like "they are SO CUTE TOGETHER!" then you know: ze is taken. Also, if ze's wall is covered with cute messages containing e-hearts and shit. E-hearts are the internet equivalent of marking one's territory...but the hearts HAVE to be plural. One e-heart is not that big of a deal. Multiple ones in the same post? Excessive punctuation? Yeah, the person is taken. Or, if not taken, about to be taken, and you really don't want to get into the middle of that.*


Now, if the person DOESN'T have a facebook, or has a ridiculously ambiguous profile, you have to dive in and ask. But when you do ask, remember:

[ONE]. Don't just start the conversation with "are you dating anyone?" unless you want the next sentence out of your mouth to be, "well, want to go out with me?" because otherwise, that sentence is just really random and, well, creepy.

[TWO]: Casually insinuate the topic of boyfriends/girlfriends. Like, if you see the person, and ze asks, "How are you?" you can be like "Oh, god. Last night was soooo stressful. My ex was being really bitchy," or something like that. Or, "it was cool, my sister/friend/brother was talking about their current boyfriend/girlfriend, etc." Be creative. You can do it. Twisting the truth about what happened last night ("I was on facebook because my friend wanted me to see pics of this boy she wants to date"), is perfectly fine. Just don't go so elaborate that you have no idea what you're talking about.

[THREE]: If you guys are just FRIENDS, then you can ask "so what's up with you?" and they will generally mention the girlfriend/boyfriend. I mean, I feel like you can just ASK people, "urrrgh, I don't want to date anyone right now because I'm just sick and tired of boys...what's up with your love life?" and generally people will automatically think, "this girl is not interested in me but wants to know about my life to maybe cheer her up."

[FOUR]: If you see ze talking to a boy/girl in an intimate, flirty way (or, any way at all, actually), then you can be like "hey, who was that cute boy/girl I saw you with earlier? Is that your boyfriend/girlfriend?" This is probably the safest tip. You can even make up a girl that you "thought you saw" hir talking to. If ze is clueless, and doesn't remember talking to someone, ze probably is single. If ze automatically says, "Who? *insert name*? Was I talking to her earlier?" or, "she's not my girlfriend, X is my girlfriend."

[FIVE]: If you guys are really chill and comfortable with each other, just be like "So, like, my friends and I were talking about what we were into in terms of boyfriends/girlfriends....and we were wondering what boys were into. What do you think? Like, what about you and your boyfriend/girlfriend?" and if ze is like, "Wait, I don't have a significant other," you can just be like "oh, sorry, I just for some reason thought you were dating someone." If ze is like "wait, why?" just say something like, "I don't know...most single people tend to give off this vibe of relationship desperation and you just seem so chill and relaxed most of the time." Then, if you don't think you're actually interested in this person, just list things that you like that you KNOW don't apply to hir.**

And most importantly:

TRY NOT TO ACT IN ANY WAY THAT MIGHT BE MISCONSTRUED AS "FLIRTING"

You know what I'm talking about. If you DON'T want a person to think that you like hir, then don't act like you want hir body. You know how I talked about the C.R.U.S.H. method for telling if a person likes you? Yeah, don't do any of that.

Anyways, I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*Note: While it is not technically stealing someone's significant other if the couple has not started dating yet, if the couple is in the "talking" phase, and if the two people have already gone on a date, and/or been flirting in a reciprocal sort of way, then it is generally considered bitch if you attempt to steal one or the other. I mean, when it gets to the point of almost, but not quite (AND is from both parties, mind you), be mindful of the entire situation. Now, if the person you're into isn't REALLY into the other person, or if the other person is generally acknowledged to be a bad person to date, by all means, go right ahead. Just use common sense. As my friend says, "If you don't think it's actually true love between you and this person, you are basically just being bitchy."

**Example: If ze dresses a certain way, mention something you like people to wear that ze DOESN'T wear. Etc. You know what I mean.

A Few Notes...

Hello, my lovelies!

No, no update today (since, you know, the pace is every other day), but I just wanted to say a few administrative things:

1. Thank you so much to people who have been leaving comments here and on the nerdfighter thread. Questions from that thread (and even in the comments!) are what keep this blog going. I used to have a backlog of questions, but I'm running out right now. If you want this blog to continue, please refer people here and/or ask me your own relationship questions. I solemnly swear that I will answer them. Special thanks to Zara and Lissa, because they've constantly commented on my blogs since they started following.

2. Follow me, if you haven't already! I love followers. It proves that people are actually reading :)

3. If my post doesn't quite clarify your question, for any reason, don't be afraid to leave me another question. Question chains also keep the blog going.

4. Also, if I assume something about you (I've tried to avoid that so far--if I need additional information, I WILL message you), please message me. I would hate to give you erroneous advice based on false information.

I love you guys so much! We're almost at 800 hits...that's amazing! I never thought my little blog would be read by so many wonderful people :)

Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

Budding Romance: Important phrases and dealing with friends

Today's question is a really interesting one, and it comes from Olivia via the nerdfighter thread.

Olivia asks:

So I have a friend, who I definitely like very, very much. Several people have assumed we're together, except we're not. He sort of brushes it off whenever anyone says anything about it. I haven't seen him since school ended, but we've emailed a lot and stuff. During first semester (I've only known him for a year), we'd walk from band to lunch together, and from English to Biology. Second semester, we sat next to each other at lunch (being a new semester, we were all unspokenly allowed to change our seating arrangements), and then went to band, and walked out to the buses together.
I read your post on "how to know if ze likes you," but it didn't help much. I exhibit a lot of the things you mentioned. But with him, it's very ambiguous. So is he just even shyer than I am? Or what? Like, I'd mention how the next book in a series we both love was coming out and say "oh, you should come over to B&N with me," and he had to go work on his Geometry project. So is that just being responsible? Or avoiding the situation? Or what?
One of my friends is convinced we should get married. Apparently it's that blatantly obvious to her. But she's the only one I told I like him, so maybe she's viewing it through tinted glasses.
Help, please. :)

When it comes to relationships, one of the biggest problems that people tend to have is over-analyzing the situation. It's just something that everybody does--when you really care about someone, you're driven crazy if you don't know EXACTLY how that someone feels about you.

That being said, I think that's EXACTLY what this situation is about.

This guy sounds like a really chill dude.* Just because he "brushes comments off" when people make comments about how you guys could be a couple doesn't mean that he isn't interested in you at all. If he wasn't, the reaction would probably be more like "What the hell? No way. That is so weird." Plus, he probably would have at least said something along the lines of "how could they even think that?" or "you're like, my best friend." If the subject hasn't come up between you two, bring it up ASAP. Gauge his reaction. If it's more like "yeah, that's funny" or "whatever, who cares what people think," he's probably more interested in you than he's letting on. If it's one of the previous two statements, he's probably relegated you to the "friend" category and you're going to have a hard time getting out of it.

If you want to get this boy, you HAVE to be more overt than you have been. A lot of people don't actually realize they're being asked out.** Your friend probably thought it was just a "oh, we should just go hang out at Barnes and Nobles" thing, instead of a "omg, quasi-date!" thing. Be clearer. As in, preface "let's go to Barnes and Nobles," with:
"we should go out together sometime."

This ONE SENTENCE is VITALLY IMPORTANT. That ONE SENTENCE will ALWAYS PROMPT the response,

"what, like a date?"


Then, you can clarify. "Yeah, like a date. What do you think?" Honestly, he was probably thinking, "oh, that would be fun, but I have a Geometry project." I'm assuming you guys are nerds, since you're writing to me. And, I mean, when people have pressing obligations on their minds, they tend to focus on that obligation.***

So, moral of the story: You have to be overt to make sure that people know exactly what you're asking for. Otherwise, your crush is just never going to know how you feel, because ze is probably doing the second guessing that YOU'RE doing.

Now, the last part: your friend. Having a best friend that says "oh, you two are going to get married" is a staple of any beginning crush.**** I mean, it's sort of the best friend's job to be like, "yes, you two are made for each other." That's just the way you egg a friend on to take that scary, first step. I would say that yes, your best friend is biased, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go for it. Just don't go for it because your friends put you up to it. Make sure you really want to ask this guy out because you like him a lot. Also, make sure your friend doesn't get aggressive with hints or anything. What happened to me a lot in high school was that my best friend(s) would basically tell a guy that I liked him WITHOUT ME KNOWING. This made things incredibly awkward, and just not cool. Make sure your friend knows that you're thinking about asking him out, and also make sure she doesn't act any differently or try to set you up. Being set up in this situation would be HELLACIOUSLY awkward. You want to be in control of the entire situation, and you want to be the one to ask him out because you want to be able to gauge his reaction yourself.

That being said, I wish you luck! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*Chill Dude (n.): a guy that is really low key and, well, "chill" about everything. A chill dude goes with the flow. A chill dude does not let the regular annoyances of daily life get him down. A chill dude often gives the impression of being a stoner, but is probably just that way naturally. Chill dudes make very good boyfriends, but not necessarily husbands. Chill dudes have very relaxed attitudes towards messy rooms and food.

**TRUE STORY: A friend of mine (a guy) was interested in a girl. He asked her out for coffee. She thought "oh, coffee, like just a chill thing with friends." So she went out with him. He assumed she knew it was a date-like thing. She didn't. He asked her out a couple more times, and each time she thought they were just hanging out. Then she started seeing someone else WHILE my friend was asking her out. My friend found out on facebook that she was in a relationship with someone else. Moral of the story: Be open with your intentions, or else the other person won't be open with hirs.

***Also true story: One time, I called a guy over to my dorm room so that he could pick up the excess Halloween candy that me and my roommate had stored up (He was an RA for a language house and was always in need of treats for his hall). He came over, and it was a totally flimsy excuse for me to basically be like "we should hang out sometime." He was hanging out with his parents at the time and just was like "oh, yeah, sounds cool." I had to CALL HIM later and say, "So when I said we should hang out, I meant like I was asking you out on a date." and he was like "oh, jeez, I'm so sorry, I'm with my parents and I just totally was on another planet, because we're really busy." He liked me, though, and he wanted to go out with me. He just didn't realize what I was saying because his mind was somewhere else.

****Laguna Beach, much?

I'M BACK! And On Summer Crushes...

Helloooo, my lovelies!

Today's question comes via Quirky Gallespy the nerdfighter thread. Quirky G writes:

I'm in this summer program and there is this really hot a guy that I like, but I've never talked to him. My friends say I should just tell him that he's hot but I'm a little scared what should I do?

Now, not to brag or anything, but I am the QUEEN of the summer program relationship*. Summer programs are hot beds of making out and summer love because they're these huge piles of hormonal people with the same interests, all jammed together in the summer heat, with skimpy shorts and the smell of sun tan lotion**. Here's the deal: Summer Program relationships are TOTALLY EASY TO CREATE. They're like, the press-on nails of relationships***. That being said, yes, you should TOTALLY tell this boy you like him. Why? Because you have NOTHING TO LOSE. I mean, obviously, you can't just walk up to him and be like "Uhm, I think you're hot," and then get the hell out of there. For one, that is INCREDIBLY awkward and for two, how is that going to start a summer relationship? I mean, he's probably going to think, "Oh, she's pretty hot, I guess I could get into that," and then never take you seriously. Like, think about it. If a boy just walked up to you and was like, "I think you're really hot," would you be mildly intrigued and thus, willing to hook up with him, or would you be like "that guy seems like a quality, nice, smart guy. I wonder if we share the same interests? Also, does she like me?"

One of the biggest catalysts for starting a romance (ANY romance) is the give-and-take. The "does he like me? does she like me? is this crush mutual?" back-and-forth is basically the mentos to the relationship diet coke****.

So yes, you should tell him. But all in due time. First of all, if you're intrigued by him, you should just go up to him and strike up a conversation.


GOOD CONVERSATION STARTERS:

[ONE] Is ze wearing something cool? Like, a really interesting shirt? Or some article of clothing/accessory that looks hand-made/hand-painted? Discuss. Simply go up to hir and be like "That's an awesome *blank*. Where did you get it?" Conversation ensues.

[TWO] You're in a summer program. Chances are, there are going to be huge, common, nightly activities. Engineer yourself so that you are either a.) sitting next to hir, or b.)in need of directions to somewhere. In situation a, simply sit next to him, and then, strike up a conversation before the show/event, ABOUT the show/event. "Do you know what this is about? etc." Afterwards, was the show/event sucky or good? Discuss. In situation b., simply go up to hir, and be like "omg, how do I get to this place? I am so confused. I have a terrible sense of direction. Please guide me there." etc. Except, please don't actually say "please guide me there." Simply imply that you can't make it there on your own. If ze is actually on hir way there anyways, hir will probably say "walk with me, I can help you." If hir does NOT offer, then hir is a waste of space and NOT a nice human being and should simply shrivel up and die.*****

[THREE] If you're at a summer program, I bet there's common meals. Plunk your cafeteria tray down next to him and start talking. "Oh, hey, is this table taken?" If ze's like "no, sure, sit here," go right on ahead. If ze looks confused, just refer to tip one, make a comment on hir shirt/clothes, and be like "I just noticed your shirt. I'm a huge fan of XYZ, and I couldn't resist coming over here." Or SOMETHING. Comment on the first thing you think is hot...but don't SAY "You are really hot." Say, "Oh gosh, I love your hair, and I've been doing this sort of informal poll. Do you use conditioner? Do you not?" I realize, this sounds really awkward and creepy on paper, but I assure you, it TOTALLY works. I have actually used this line on guys before and THEY ALL LOVE IT. I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

That being said, once you have started a conversation, emphasize the physical with body language. Make sure your face looks pretty, and if you can, play with your clothes a little (I mean, if you are wearing a bra, play with the strap. If you are NOT wearing a bra, do not attempt to do so). Lean forward. Lick your lips a little. Attempt the "triangle." This is the body language move that everybody does un-intentionally. Simply look at hir eyes, and then down at hir lips, and then back at the eyes. Get? Triangle. See if hir's doing the same thing. Do not attempt if you are eating something messy, like spaghetti, or ribs. Because then hir will be like "do I have something on my face?" Just use common sense.

Ask around, get to the point of common nightly activities. You're in a summer program--surely you have free time? Ask hir if ze wants to hang out later. Chill together. Chilling together is like, the best time to water the relationship flower.
Get to know hir, and then, refer to the C.H.A.R.M. Method. If results come up positive, lean in, and go for the kiss. Summer relationships aren't started by talking. They're started by DOING.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)



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*I mean, at one point, people were like "omg, there goes Risky's hookup boy of the week." That was like...when I was 16. Can I just say, things have just gotten better since then?

**I mean it. What is UP with the smell of coconut oil just making people horny? Even if you don't wear suntan lotion because you're indoors because it's a totally nerdy summer program, you've got to at least smell that coconut and think "oh man, I totally have to hook up with someone."

***Easy to start and apply, easy to take off.

****Don't bitch at my metaphors. I mean, I was going to say "baking soda to vinegar." What the hell, why are there no real good volatile reaction metaphors? I was going to say "potassium to your water," but that sounds...vaguely bathroom-esque.

*****OK, I have grudges against people who give bad directions. As a person with no directional sense, I believe that if you're going to the same place as me, and I don't know fuck-all where I'm going, you should just offer to accompany me there. And my girlfriends. Also, if you have hot girl/boyfriends, please allow them to come too.

gah, sorry folks

No update today. I'm currently out of town on a mini vacation and I have no computer or privacy...and while I love giving out advice, I don't love writing blog posts on my droid. My droid is awesome, but a mini keyboard is still a mini keyboard. Updates tomorrow include summer program love and long distance crushes!

Jump those railroads!
Xoxo,
Risk(y)

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

...Again.

So, recently, Kenny posted this thread on the nerdfighter ning.

Kenny's question wasn't really directed at me, but I decided to post it anyways, because it was so applicable to my blog.

Kenny's question:

Earlier tonight me and my friend were talking and the topic of virginity came up. I asked her how she wanted her first time to be, and she said that she hadn't given it much thought, and didn't really care about "the specifics". I'd always thought that girls put a lot of thought into this kind of thing, so I decided to make a discussion on the Ning about it =)

You know, I'm pretty sure that everybody thinks about how they're going to lose their virginity, or how they lost it, or how they planned things vs. how things turned out. Losing your virginity is one of those pivotal moments in your life, etc etc etc.

Thing is, it doesn't have to be that big of a deal, or even that big of a stress. The thing to think about is that a lot of people have varying ideas about what "losing your virginity" entails. I mean, for heterosexual couples, a lot of it is "PIV Sex," as in "penis in vagina." Even THAT'S complicated, though, because some people count "oral sex," as, well, sex (I mean, it's sort of in the name, right?) so giving/receiving your first blow job/eating out counts. I went to school with a lot of girls who claimed "technical virginity," as if being sexually active in terms of oral (and even anal) sex made them more "pure" and "moral" than a girl who had sex with her long term boyfriend. I mean, obviously, the sexual politics of losing your virginity is really skewed--girls are supposed to hang onto it, and boys are supposed to lose it ASAP. That's just the heterosexual side, though.

Losing your virginity as a queer person is very complicated, especially in terms of lesbian sex. A lot of people just assume, "Oh, the farthest girls can go with each other on a hetero scale without a penis is oral, so that must be sex," but that's just stupid. Why would we want to measure ourselves by an entirely different standard? Most women I know claim a certain amount of genital contact is "sex," but again, the definition of it varies so much that you can't just choose one clear-cut, majority definition.

Anal sex for queer men is generally considered losing your virginity as well, but again, I know queer men who don't really care for anal as much as say, oral or other sexual activities. I think defining "anal sex" as "gay losing your virginity" also stems from a very hetero-normative ideal--that it involves sticking your penis in a genital opening, and therefor, is the closest two dudes can get to getting it on.

And I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying that heterosexual sex is uncomplicated to define, either. Losing your virginity can mean a lot of things, not just sex. For example, what about consent? Age? Knowledge of what was going on? All of these things are factors.

So anyways, losing your virginity, it's sort of this idealized rite-of-passage/ceremony that Western culture tends to elevate to such a high standard that nobody can really live up to the expectations.

Here's the deal, though: Sex is meaningful, and it has repercussions, and those repercussions can be both good and bad*. I'm not saying that losing your virginity in the heat of the moment is necessarily a bad thing (in fact, that can be a lot less stressful than planning the "perfect evening"), but you should at least take SOME precautions. These include:

1. PROTECTION: Condoms are great. I'm sorry, boys, but if you complain about the "loss of sensitivity," and "how awkward it feels," and "how awkward is it to stop and put it on," think about how "awkward" it would be if, you know, you guys had an unplanned pregnancy. Are you ready to deal with an unplanned pregnancy? Could you support a child if your girl wanted you to? No? Then wear a frickin' condom. Even if the girl is on birth control, birth control doesn't protect against anything but babies, and a lot of times, if the girl forgets to take a pill THAT DAY, you guys are screwed. And don't leave it in your wallet, either. That creates holes.

2. CHECK UPS: After you lose your virginity, you're sexually active**. Get a checkup afterwards (or even before, if you want to plan things correctly). Don't be afraid to get tested afterwards--even if you trust the person, you never know. For example, herpes can be transmitted via cold sores. Or some diseases, are, unfortunately, genetically passed down (HIV, for example). MEN AND WOMEN need to have certain things tested if they're having sex. Just good hygiene.

3: SEX IS FUN. IT SHOULDN'T HURT: A lot of girls are afraid of pain--the pain of the hymen tearing. But not all women HAVE a hymen, and not all girls have a hymen intact when they first have sex***. But if you ARE, it shouldn't hurt more than a second or two, and even then, it's just like a little pinch. if sex after that CONTINUES to hurt (any sex, really), then that means either you need a little lube, or the angle is wrong. Don't be afraid to say something--sex should be enjoyable to both parties. And if your partner knows what ze is doing, ze will definitely be able to make things more comfortable for you (this goes for ANY type of couple, queer or straight. If insertion is occurring, the giver should definitely know what ze is doing. And be receptive and adaptable).


4. DON'T PANIC: If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's allowed to stop mid-way through. Or, if you lose your nerve, don't do it. Sex shouldn't be something you do for someone else--and it DEFINITELY shouldn't be something that you do just to please another person. Sex is YOUR decision. Don't let somebody make up your mind for you. I mean, would you let somebody else floss your teeth if you really didn't feel like it? Not that sex is like flossing your teeth****, but seriously, make up your own mind.

That being said, if both parties are virgins, please make sure that both of you know what's going on. I don't mean watch porn (because obviously, NOT REALISTIC AT ALL), but maybe ask some experienced friend that you trust. There are always a lot of questions that everybody has. Talk to someone that you KNOW is reliable.

I hope that helps, and clarifies things! And remember folks, JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!

xoxo,
Risk(y)



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*Example: Anyone watch Teen Mom? or 16 and Pregnant? Or the Secret Life of the American Teen? or Degrassi? Or "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? I mean, seriously, American pop culture is OBSESSED with teen parenthood. But there's also STDs, and then, you know, there's orgasms and a deeper relationship with a person. Or, you know, orgasms.

**Actually, before you lose your virginity, you're probably also deemed as "sexually active." "Sexually Active" means that you are doing the hanky panky with other people's sexual organs. But after you lose your virginity, you are DEFINITELY sexually active.

***I mean, do you ride a bike regularly? Do you do horse-back riding? Do you do gymnastics? Have you been fingered? You're probably hymen-less already. No biggie. Be glad.


****Other than, I don't know, inserting somebody else's elongated body part into a (generally) wet orifice and then wiggling it around for a little bit

The Do's and Don'ts: Nerdy Turn Ons and Turn Offs

Hey Guys! Geez, almost 600 hits? I'm amazed. Thanks so much for tuning in! Tell your friends!

Today's question comes from Megan, via the nerdfighter thread. Megan has a question that she claims all her friends want answered. This is the question:

What are turn-offs for nerdy guys/girls?

(I know right? Totally shorter than most questions I get. But that's ok, because this one is loaded).

I tend to think that a lot of what goes into a nerdy relationship is the same stuff that goes into any relationship: common interests, goals, view points, beliefs, etc. However, I can honestly say that nerdy relationships can have a bit more emphasis on certain things when it comes to what people look for. I'm not saying that these general guidelines are the norm, but I will say that these are a lot of complaints that I get from most of my nerdy (meaning intelligent and proud of it!) friends.

Then again, these probably also apply to the general populace, but are more emphasized in the nerd world.

So here it is: yet another anagram. This one is:

S.U.C.K.A.(explanation point implied, bitches)

S.U.C.K.A. stands for:

1. Stupidity: I feel like this goes without saying,but there it is. What defines a nerd is hir level of intelligence. Brains are important. If you can't keep up, it's not necessarily a bad thing--it just means that communication will probably be hard.

2. Uninterest: Again, this is something that can be generalized into any relationship. In-depth discussions only work if all parties involved are willing to be...you know...sucked into the topic. I'm not saying that you guys should always be into the same things (I mean, being different is why a lot of relationships work), but if you're bored to tears because your significant other is discussing their life work,* things are probably not going to work out. I'm not saying you should be listening with rapt attention, eyes shining with enthusiasm, but you should be able to at least participate in listening.

3. Competitiveness: Competitiveness is one of those things that can be great in small doses, but in large ones, it can be fatal.** Playing video games together and doing a victory dance is one thing. Purposefully sabotaging somebody's test scores by affecting hir studying is another. Sure, you guys are both nerds and academics are like, really really important to nerds...but a lot of times, being number one in a class doesn't really translate well when you're dating number two. You have to back off or help each other. Seriously. Both of you can be number one. Chill.

4. Knowledge Assumption: A lot of times, one of the biggest complaints I get from my friends is that the person they're dating just assumes that everybody else is stupider. Or, even worse, that my friend is less knowledgeable about a certain topic than ze is. It's a hard line to walk, because a lot of times, the significant other COULD be smarter than the general populace, or maybe ze DOES know more about certain topics. Thing is, you don't rub that in other people's faces. Condescension is the ultimate turn off, no matter who you are dating. Nobody likes to be told that they don't know anything. And as much as you might know about something, I guarantee you, there will always be someone that knows more than you. It can be embarrassing for both parties.*** Explore how much a person knows before you jump in with the lecturing. It's just common sense.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)



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*Example: if you don't want to hear about particle physics on a regular basis, don't date a physics major/physicist. Everybody takes their work home with them; it's unavoidable. If you don't want to hear about quarks and shit, and if you have absolutely no interest in hir work, then why are you interested in hir again? Surely that's an integral part of hir's personality.

**Don't believe me? Why do you think wars happen? That's right. Some douchebag was like "I am better than you!" and some other douchebag was like "NO YOU ARE NOT." I'm serious. Every war in the history of mankind could have been avoided if both parties were like "Ok, maybe we're both pretty cool people and we should work together."

***For example, I have been on the receiving end of a condescending lecture on vaccines and autism. Why was this embarrassing? Because my parents are both pediatricians and I've attended lectures on the topic when my parents brought me along on medical conferences. Embarrassing for him, because I knew a lot more, and embarrassing for me, because I couldn't actually say "you are wrong about so many things."

Conversation Skillz

Today's question is from Parade, and comes straight from the nerdfighter ning thread

Parade asks:

Is there any tried and true way to think up conversation topics? When the guy I'm with and I really start talking, it's lovely because the words come spilling out almost faster than we can think of them. But in between this, there can be a lot of awkward silences, mainly consisting of me trying to think of something to say. (This problem only occurs when we're talking over the phone/with audio chat, because when it's over IM or whatever ... well, silences like that aren't nearly as awkward.) So, do you have any suggestions that would maybe at least get my brain moving a little faster and in the right direction? (As in, the conversation-topics-direction.)

Talking to a person you like is probably one of the most difficult things to ever accomplish. This is because your brain always freezes when you see a person you like. Also, phone conversations are hard. I'm not saying this because I think nerds are socially awkward. I'm saying this because face-to-face eye contact is still the main way that humans read each other. Anyways, here are some tips to deal with awkward silences:

[Tip 1]: Don't be afraid to be random. Random conversations are the most fun. Don't worry about whether or not the other person follows your train of thought.

[Tip 2]: Don't be afraid of being stupid or rambling. "Less is More" is NOT a good rule of thumb for conversations.* Don't be afraid to ask questions to clarify things. For example, if he's talking about a concert he just went to, and you don't know the band, TELL him. Seriously. Explaining a musical group is worth at least 15 minutes worth of conversation.

[Tip 3]: If you are busy, please just call him back. Otherwise, you'll have even more awkward conversations because there will probably be large, long pauses when you finish eating, or doing your nails, or cleaning the dishes. YOU CAN ALWAYS CALL BACK. Calling back is NOT WEIRD AT ALL.

[Tip 5]: If you are face-to-face, talk about something unusual he is wearing. Or holding. Or doing. Current action-based conversation translates to future bonding.

[Tip 6]: DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BODY. Act normal. Do not take any of those stupid magazine article advice tips, like "oh, laugh at him because boys like it when you enjoy their sense of humor," or "don't cross your arms because that looks really confrontational." Don't think about any of that. Just react the way you would with a good friend. People don't look back on conversations and think, "hrm, she looked really confrontation when she crossed her arms." People think, "Oh, we had a ton in common, but why was she laughing so weirdly at everything I said?"

[Tip 7]: Just act the way you do around your friends. Don't worry about pushing things too far, or not going far enough. You should be friends with your crush anyways. How else do you expect to end up getting along with hir well enough to date?

I hope that helps, Parade! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)







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*Unless you are talking about embarrassing stories that include, but are not limited to: bathroom bodily functions, your period, naked baby stories, awkward food-related injuries, and perhaps how deeply you loved your last ex-boyfriend. Actually, skip talking about your ex as much as possible (at least, until you're comfortably in a relationship).

It's Just a Little Crush

Today's question comes from Sarah, via the nerdfighter thread

Sarah asks:

How do you (A) identify a crush, (B) deal with a crush, and (C) get rid of a crush? I constantly find myself subject to intense infatuation with the opposite sex and I am tired of losing my head to such juvenile fantasies!

It's the time you all have been waiting for...that's right! ACRONYM TIME!

Ironically, the acronym for identifying if you have a crush on someone is actually C.R.U.S.H.. Here's how it goes.

Whether or not you have a crush on someone is nothing to be afraid of. Sometimes, yes, it takes a while to realize 'Oh, I'm actually way into a person." Thing is, that's not immature and it's certainly not annoying. Crushes are GREAT. Crushes are how all good relationships start. Little secret: Juvenile fantasies are only called "juvenile" because teenagers are the only ones dumb enough to talk about them out loud. Seriously...who DOESN'T want to find true love?*

Now, identifying what a crush is, is really important. I would say that YOUR crush is a person. HAVING a crush is the feelings that certain person inspires. Your crush is the person that you search for in the halls at school (or in class) (or anywhere where there's a vague possibility of bumping into hir). A crush is someone you facestalk to an intense degree, but will never admit to doing so.** A crush is the person you think about all the time and have imaginary conversations with. You want to write poetry about your crush. In other words, a crush is the seed of true love.

Now, to identify whether or not you have a crush on someone, please check the following things:

1. Contact: Do you find yourself wanting to touch them at all times? I mean, do you find yourself getting tinglies in your belly when they play punch you? Do you have tickle wars? Mmmhmmm. I thought so. You search out physical contact like a drug. "No, DON'T tickle me there! Like don't ever tickle me there are that exact spot in-between my first and second ribs because then I will collapse because of reflexology and I might land in your lap! Please don't follow my extreme directions to my achilles heel! Oh, you rascal!" Oh, honey.

2. Rush: Maybe it's cheating to use this as a word. I don't care. "Rush" is that feeling of extreme euphoria when you see the person anywhere. You know what I'm talking about. If you see them in the hall, you stare and giggle and maybe turn a little red. You're rooted in the spot...sort of like the reverse of a great white shark attack. And don't tell me that just because you're a boy, you don't giggle. I've seen it. Man up and admit it--you blush and make little laughs just like the rest of us.

3. Unnecessary Sentences: Do you get verbal diarrhea when you're talking to this person? Or do you get the opposite...verbal constipation, and the only shit (ahahahah) that comes out is the stuff you REALLY didn't want to say? Do you have to think up your conversational responses at least two hours in advance to make sure you don't blank out like that one time you didn't study for an AP Calc test, or maybe the time where you tried imagining people in their underwear to get through a public speech? Did you mention the aforementioned imagining? Yes? Verbal skills are the first to go. Sad, and evolutionary un-sound, but true.

4. Humor: Do you laugh at everything this person says? Even if, you know, when you explain the laughing to your best friend later, they look at you like "WTF? How is the phrase "bologna sandwich in my tummy" funny at all? It doesn't even rhyme!" and you will inevitably answer with, "Uhm, I guess you had to be there. And it TOTALLY does!" The number one thing that people look for is a sense of humor. Laughing at everything someone says is the body language equivalent of saying "Do me, right here, right now. I love you so much."

So there you have it. You have a crush. It's lovely.

Dealing with a crush is also quite easy. use the C.H.A.R.M Method and have at it. What you want is a Charmed Crush relationship, where the crushing is mutual. Anyways, if they like you back, just have at it. If you're STILL not sure, well, don't worry, ze probably likes you anyways. Just go for it. Don't worry about it...and if ze ends up being total jackasses, you won't like hir anymore anyways. Win/Win Situation.

Part 3: Getting rid of the crush.

Well, I don't actually know why you would want to not have a crush, because crushes, as I said, are the sweetest, most agonizing part of being in love. They're exciting and lovely and hormonal. Crushes are the romantic equivalent of shots: They're potent, generally short, and man, do you feel dizzy afterwards. If they don't mean anything, they'll go away in time. But if the crush is actually the precursor to something amazing and beautiful,*** just let it run its course and develop. That whole idea that "juvenile love" is way different from "adult love"? Not true. adults get crushes all the time. They just term it as "a spark," or "love at first sight," or "the world melting away," or "clicking." A crush by any other name still feels as crazy. What ISN'T mature is just ignoring it and saying "oh, whatever, it's just a crush and I'm just going to be mature and laugh at people because HAHA I'VE RISEN ABOUT ALL THAT." Just admit it. Enjoy it. Ride it out. Surf's up, and who knows? Maybe you can actually ride the tsunami :)

Anyways, I hope that helps. And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)









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*True Story: My current boyfriend actually told me (in our first week of dating) that he had a crush on me. Most adorable thing I've ever heard.

**facestalking your crush is not creepy because you are well aware that it is creepy. Facestalking crosses the line into creepiness when you're open about it. You can giggle with your girlfriends about facestalking (or, you know, giggle with your bros), but you can't giggle with anybody over creepy stalker facestalking. Know the line. Straddle the line. Don't cross the line. Or else, you know, the line will be cross at you and you REALLY don't want an angry line in your life.

***Like I said: Seed of True Love.

(Social) Love Games

High School is one of those big melting pots of trauma and drama that everybody should go through, but nobody really LIKES. One of the biggest causes of trauma/drama (henceforth known as "Ta-da!-ma)are, of course, crushes and relationships. Today's question comes from Rebecca via the nerdfighter thread and deals with the epitome of a young love dilemma. Rebecca asks:

Well, hypothetically, suppose a certain girl has a crush on this boy who is totally nerdy and is NOT afraid to show it. But sometimes this boy can get a little intense, and not just about being nerdy but just intense about everything, almost like it is as though you aren't sure he can take anything serious. But he is really sweet, and he also likes this girl, and he is so confident in himself and where he is at and he is not afraid to just show everyone his nerdy side. But this freaks the girl out because she is slightly self conscious of what other people think although she knows she shouldn't care what other people think.

Now, Rebecca's question is a little confusing, but that's part of why I like it so much. I had to message her to get some more details but I found out that:

1. Both of them are 17.

2. Rebecca defines "intense" as:

"he will just say whatever he wants whenever he wants to. Like everyone is nerdy to some extent but he has no problem just saying things that express his nerdy side. He is very forward and outgoing to an extreme level and he absolutely does not care what other people think of him. "

3. When she says "he can't handle anything serious," she means that he is, like a lot of high school boys, emotionally immature and probably not ready to date anyone at all.

4. Rebecca has had a crush on this boy for a long time, but now she's not too sure. The boy is aware of this, and it has come to Rebecca's attention that he likes her now, as well. She's not used to doing something romantic with a friend, and she's not as much attracted to his looks as his personality.

5. And, probably most importantly, when I asked Rebecca if others' opinions on this boy mattered to her, she said:

Some people think he isn't datable material, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I am actually a very self conscience person, and I know I shouldn't be. And please don't think I am shallow, but I'm afraid people won't understand why I like him because they don't see C**** the way I see C****.

So let's dissect this problem, shall we?

The reason I asked their ages was because, if you're in high school, social nuances count for a lot more. When you get older (or if you're younger), who you're dating on the social strata really DOESN'T MATTER. However, in high school (and I'm not saying this is good or bad), how a person is perceived is really important...mainly, because it can put a lot of strain on a relationship. Don't believe all of those TV shows where girls become beautiful after dropping glasses and magically date the most popular boy in school, who somehow manages a change in heart. High school teaches people how to deal with the worst and best of a relationship. Unless you are truly attracted to a person's personality AND looks, a high school relationship (or, for that matter, ANY relationship) is damn near impossible to keep up. You have to be confident enough to go public--why would you want your significant other to be ashamed of you? Why would you want to be ashamed of your significant other? It's just wrong (We'll come back to this point later).

Next, when I asked about "intensity," I was worried that she meant he was emotionally and/or mentally unstable. This can also put a strain on a relationship. Sometimes, if a person is suffering from depression or any other mental illness, ze can't handle a relationship properly.* However, it looks like this boy is just a bit zealous in expressing his personality. Again, that's something that can be a bit more embarrassing in high school (but wouldn't be quite as bad when you get older)**. Unless you're really comfortable with yourself and with the other person, I would caution against it. But if you want to make some changes, and you think maybe this relationship could really work, I would say go for it. There's nothing better than a significant other at getting you to try new things. I have done things with boyfriends and girlfriends*** that I probably wouldn't have done for anyone else (including my direct family and perhaps a handicapped child crying for help). However, you only try new things with a significant other that you respect and admire. If you're just embarrassed...well, again, why are you dating someone you're embarrassed by?

To dissect point 3: High school boys are dumb. I'm serious. They're DUMB. I mean, they can be smart about academics, or sports, or video games, or countless other things, but when it comes to girls (or boys)(or whatever gender identity they find attractive), they are really clueless. Chances are, he's too scared to make a move on you...or maybe he started liking you because you like him and now that you don't like him anymore, he'll find you even more attractive. I speak from personal experience. If you want anything to get done, you do it yourself. Don't wait around for the boy to enact the proper procedure. He has no idea what he's doing.

Point 4: Again, if you're not physically attracted to a person, you shouldn't be in a romantic/sexual relationship with them. Looks are important. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but unless the beholder is beholdin' some hotness, you're up a creek without a paddle. I have tried dating people that were perfectly attractive, but whom I didn't find at all physically appealing. It was awful. I figured that if you really like a person, that's all that matters...it's not. I mean, you shouldn't date someone just because you find hir really hot, but you shouldn't date a person just because you like their personality. Eventually, you WILL have to look at them. If you can't look at hir (or, you know, kiss them) without thinking about how other people are hotter...you're hurting hir as much as yourself.

Point 5: There is nothing shallow about this train of thought. Seeing things from another point of view is healthy and objective. I mean, I know plenty of girls who have dated TERRIBLE boys. Like, truly repulsive (and not just physically). If these girls had just looked at how other people viewed their lover, they would have been like "Oh my GOD! WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?" And that would have been a good life decision.

Parents always say "oh, it doesn't matter what other people think. You shouldn't care." But you should care. Not because you want to lose your personality and personal choice, but because if a lot of people think something about a person, you want to know why. It sounds to me like you don't actually know if you want to date this boy or not. If you're not sure, you probably don't. Sit down, think about why/what you find attractive about him, and think about whether or not it's just a really good friendship. A lot of times, people mistake genuine friendships for romantic, just because their parts down under could possibly do the nasty. Don't make that mistake. However, if you honestly think "Oh, my goodness, he really is a cool kid and I wish I could make out with him right now and talk about nerdy things," do it. Don't worry about it. Like always, communication is the key. However, this time, you have to be able to communicate with yourself.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*True Story: Having been on the receiving end AND giving end of depression in a relationship, I can honestly say that dating someone is the worst possible thing you can do to help hir. The depressed person becomes completely dependent on the "stable" person, and if the relationship ends, or gets stressful, both people feel trapped. Don't do it. Bring hir to counseling, help hir out by talking to hir, but DON'T get romantic. Sex is emotionally charged. Everybody feels needy and vulnerable during sex...depression just makes that dynamic worse.

**I mean, compared to becoming a total social pariah and a target of emotionally traumatic/physically abusive bullying, other people looking at you funny in a restaurant because your boyfriend just made a really loud Star Trek reference is just NOT AS BAD. That being said, if you're dating someone who makes really loud Star Trek references in restaurants, I hope you find the remarks hilarious and endearing (because, I mean, you're a nerd, right? And you're in nerdfighterlike?)

***Including, not but not limited to lesbian sex, hetero sex, Star Trek, Hero System gaming, vegetarian dishes, indie music, graphic novels, and the Joss Whedon series "Firefly"

Body Language: Interpreting and Speaking

So, a lot of times relationship communication isn't verbal--it's in body language. How to interpret looks and gestures is an important part of dating someone.

Today's question comes from Cavalier, via the nerdfighter thread

Cavalier asks:

How do I tell how far a girl is willing to go? Not even talking about sex, just figuring out what she is willing to do. I hate to seem like I'm pushing something upon the girl that she isn't really willing to do or not willing to do just yet.

I mean, there's a long answer and a short answer here. This is the short answer:

Just ask her.

=P

Sorry guys, I couldn't resist. But ultimately, asking someone is all you have to do. Of course, it can be awkward if you just all of a sudden ask a girl (out of nowhere): "How do you feel about me sticking my fingers in your coochie-snorcher?"

That is just not romantic.

What you should do is bring matters up, gently. This is also important if you are the older/more experienced person in the relationship. The less experienced/younger* person often feels pressured to know what ze is doing, and often, feels obligated to go as far in the current relationship as past girlfriends/boyfriends have.

That being said, talking about this stuff is AWKWARD. It always will be. However, there are ways to alleviate the awkwardness.

Tip 1: Talk about things beforehand, in a private setting. Next time you're alone and just chatting (on the phone is fine, but in person is better--you can get nuances like shyness and uncomfortable vibes), bring up the subject. Something like "Oh, I was thinking today, and we haven't discussed what we're comfortable with, at least, sexually. I don't ever want to feel like I'm pressing you to do anything you don't want to do. So, please tell me what you feel comfortable doing."

Tip 2: If, somehow, you end up in a physical position where you're not sure if it's OK to proceed further, stop, quietly ask her "Is this OK?" and act accordingly. If she says "No," then back off and return to the previous sexual step**. If she looks like she wants to talk, talk to her. If she looks unsure, just back off and ask her what's wrong. Use your common sense.

Tip 3: If you, yourself are in a position that compromises your comfortability, say something. Be firm. This is the most important thing: make your wants and needs clear. It is possible for both men and women to be raped/rape each other. I realize this is an ugly topic, but date rape and sexual assault do happen. Yes, it counts as rape/sexual assault if a person clearly says "no," and the perpetrator keeps going. This is why communication in a relationship is SO IMPORTANT.

Tip 4: Keep your boundaries in mind, but always be prepared for a change in scenario. A lot of couples I know in college started out saying "we shouldn't have sex." The thing is, in the "heat of the moment," that opinion can change. I know plenty of people who have lost their virginity due to a spontaneous decision. So when I say "be prepared," please always have a condom ready. Even if a girl is on birth control, condoms are necessary to prevent STIs and other nasty things. Also, birth control is NOT 100% effective. It's always good to double up. That being said, do NOT keep your condom in a wallet. The condom's latex can develop holes due to the heat and friction. Also, ladies: please have your own condoms ready. There should be no "oh, I'm the girl, I don't bring the condoms." If you want to have sex, you should have some. Safe sex is not one person's responsibility: it is whoever has sex (be it 2, 3, or a billion people involved).

Tip 5: RELAX! Have fun! The key to any relationship problem is really simple: communication. As long as both of you know exactly where things are going, and as long as everyone knows everyone else's boundaries (and respects them), a fun time will be had by all.

Hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)



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*footnote: The younger person in a relationship is NOT NECESSARILY the less experienced. For example, I have a far more extensive dating history than my current boyfriend, and he is five years older than me. That being said, in high school, heterosexual relationships, there is a lot of pressure on older boys having more experience. This is bullshit. Also, this is something that you should discuss with each other.

**Sexual Step: A step in the sexual ladder. Bases. I like to think of them as the four F's: French, Finger, Fellatio, Fuck.

Speaking Boy: Lesson 1

So, a question I get a lot is to "translate" something from boy to girl, or from girl to boy (I'm not being gender-ist here; I literally get asked to do this). Today's Question comes from Clara, via the nerdfighter thread
and asks exactly that. Clara writes:

what does it mean if a boy makes fun of me about my nerdiness but like in a sort of nice way. like for example: why do you spend all your time studying when you could be spending it with me? or like: you are like the pretty queen of all the nerds. it kind of seems like he likes me but he is always commenting on how im dorky. idk. help!

Clara, a step by step translation follows:

"Why do you spend all your time studying when you could be spending it with me?"

Translation: I admire your intelligence, and am slightly intimidated by your brains. Please like me. Please? Please? I'm being funny!

Explanation: Boys (and it sounds like a high school boy too, am I right?) are often very scared of having their (fragile) male ego shattered. It would be an affront to his masculinity if he was like "you are so much smarter/dedicated than I am. I also have a huge crush on you." Instead, he's pointing out your brains, and also asking you to spend time with him. It makes him seem great because he's like "why not spend time with me? [I am awesome and charming!]" However, it makes him also seem like a bit of an asshat, but in that special "I am alpha male, hear me roar!" high school sort of way. He's trying really hard, honey. Give him a break. He probably doesn't know how to think AND listen to his testosterone yet.

Next translation:

"you are like the pretty queen of all the nerds."

Translation: Again, he's trying REALLY hard not to just turn into a slobbering puppy when he's around you. That probably sounded way better in his head. He was probably going to say something to you like "you are like the pretty queen of butterflies and everything awesome" but realized that might make him sound, well...like a pussy (again, high-school-boy-think. We all know that being a pussy and having a pussy are often two very different things to them). He probably added the "of the nerds" to save face. Don't worry about it. He really likes you. He's also probably really insecure. If you like him, I'd say go for it--he can't help sounding like a bit of an asshole. He likes the fact that you're dorky...and the fact that he's saying all those things makes me wonder why he hasn't asked you out by now. Caution, though: If he's one of those "popular" boys that has a bit of a reputation, please make sure he's not doing this for a bet, or for laughs, or anything stupid. You're probably gorgeous and everything, but just remember, if he's a high school boy, he's probably very dumb in many ways. It's not being sexist--all of my guy friends would agree with that statement.

Hope that helps. And remember folks: jump those rail roads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

Quit Playing Games With My Heart!

Hahaha, sorry guys. I couldn't resist the chance to get some old-school BSB stuck in y'all's heads. Anyways, I'm really excited, because after a few days of planning and getting some more information, I can present the first 100% QUEER QUESTION!

(Drum roll, please? I'm really excessively excited over this).

Anyways, this question comes from Martha, via the Nerdfighter thread. Martha asks:

What do you do when someone says they're interested in you and would like to go on a date with you, but keeps saying they're too busy right now? This girl has been "really busy" the past 3 months, but still says she'd like to go out with me.

Now, I actually messaged Martha and got some further information. Martha is an out lesbian, and the girl in question is also out (but bi-sexual). Martha told me she's dated girls before, but she's not sure if this girl has ever been in a relationship with a woman. Both girls are 18 or over.

The reason I asked Martha those questions is because queer relationships can get tricky in terms of who knows you're queer and who doesn't (especially if you still live mostly at home, or if you're a minor). A lot of girls I know tried to have queer relationships in middle school and high school, but without outing themselves to most of their friends and family. This is generally a recipe for disaster, mainly because everyone always finds out in the end. It's really hard to have a secret relationship in high school--even a straight one. So it's good that Martha doesn't have to hide any of her sexuality (I mean, sometimes things can get nasty--one of my friends got booted off to a 75% male boarding school, just because her parents found out she "thought" she was queer).

However, the fact that this girl maybe hasn't dated a woman before makes me think there are other things going on. A lot of bi girls do start out in mostly straight relationships (or even prefer men). There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't make them any less queer. It just means that every person has reservations and expectations when it comes to relationships. A person's queer relationship is daunting--I mean, everyone knows certain societal rules and regulations for straight relationships, but queer ones, especially lesbian ones, are sort of ignored. Maybe she's scared, or nervous, or isn't really sure if she's ready to be in a girly relationship. In that case, you just need to sit down and talk with her about it. See how committed she's been (in the past) with women, and see how that compares to men. A lot of bi-sexual girls have very skewed experiences, especially around age 18 or younger.

HOWEVER, that's not the only option as to why she keeps saying she's busy. I mean, it's really easy to just say "oh, being queer is scary for a lot of people." When you get down to it, human nature is pretty much the same, be the person queer or straight. While yes, she could be genuinely busy. However, when I asked Martha about it further, she replied:

We met a few months ago through a mutual friend, and started talking. It was around the time of finals, so we were both very busy. We've started talked again, but she says she's too busy to hang out with me at all. I get the sense that's she's interested in me, but not willing to go out of her way to make time to be with me. Should I just try to move on?

That sounds a bit suspicious to me. I mean, I'm a college girl. I know ALL about finals pressure and relationship possibilities coming at very bad times (when you're dating someone else for example, or when you're involved in 12987619234 extracurricular activities and your mother has expressly told you to get your GPA up or she'll withdraw payments etc etc etc). However, once all that stress and pressure is off a person's back, most people tend to let loose and go back to all of their crazy social obligations/relationships. In fact, a lot of my friends start dating around Christmas break. They talk online/on facebook/on the phone, and all of a sudden, they're dating. It's really common. If a person is STILL feeding you the "I'm very busy" line...well, that seems a little suspicious to me. Busy might be code for "I'm juggling my options right now." As in, they have a couple of people that they're "talking" to. What you should be on the watch for can be summed up in a handy acronym called "F.U.C.K.S" (seriously guys, you knew something like this was coming.)

F.U.C.K.S. stands for:

1. Facebook: People tend to dis facestalking. Quite frankly, sometimes it's the only way to get covert information that would be really awkward to get other wise. I mean, sometimes, you just can't ask a person "so, what's your status and who have you been taking cute pictures with?" I mean, generally, facestalking should only be used in really tricky situations, but in this case, I'm giving you a free pass. Facebook's a good way to find out how single/taken they really are. I don't just mean hir relationship status--ze could be in a fake marriage with one of their best friends or whatever. BUT, if it's not listed, you should probably be suspicious. Check out:

-The Wall: A person's facebook wall shows who hir talks to the most, who talks to hir, and what sort of inside jokes/relationships hir has with people. If a person keeps posting regularly on hir wall with kissy faces and hearts, you know something's up.

-Pictures: Just take a quick look through the profile picture (or, if they've been recently tagged in any party pictures). Who is ze with? is ze kissing anybody? Is the profile pic album suspiciously empty, even if the person has had a facebook for like 5 years? That can indicate a recent breakup and thus, a purging of cute facebook profile pics.

-Notes: Notes are like blog entries, only way more trashy. Look for those really annoying surveys. Check out the ones about love life (which is every single one of them). Look at dates for single or taken. Etc.

-Quotes: Does ze have any quotes that are from really good friends? Inside jokes? Anyone that seems to appear in all of the above?

Now, if hir facebook is blank, you should be suspicious. A facebook without a wall and a relationship status and pictures is just asking for suspicion. Some people may suck at facebook...others are just really, really good at hiding playa information.

2. Unusual Curtness: If the person just went from being really gregarious to being like...short and distant, something's up. If you're used to having conversations that last for a really long time, and all of a sudden ze's like "I'm sorry, I have to go..." you should be a little suspicious. Either ze'stalking to someone else, or ze has something emotionally traumatic going on. Either way, you need to directly confront hir on this one.

3. Kissing Stories: Kissing Stories are those delightful (and often amusing) stories about partying and hooking up. I don't just mean from whomever you're pursuing...I mean from everyone else. I think this is pretty obvious, but also look for stories that are obviously cut out. For example, if she says something like "Omg, I was at this CRAZY party with X the other night...people were just practically having sex on the dance floor!" That probably means "I hooked up and danced like a go-go dancer." Use your common sense.

That being said, don't give up hope! When in doubt, and even if you're completely sure, direct confrontation is ALWAYS the answer. Just ask...just be prepared with arguments as to why you think someone is playing around or not.

I hope that helps! And remember folks: jump those railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

An Age Old Question: Taking the Plunge

Today's question comes to us from James, via the nerdfighter forum thread. James asks:

Should I take the plunge and risk losing her as a friend? Or should I just wait it out and enjoy every day I have with her.

This is actually the question that I get the most. And actually, this is probably the one time where I'm going to cite a romantic comedy in terms of advice.

So, in Valentine's Day, Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner get together, even if they're best friends. In the end, their kiss is REALLY awkward, but like, it gets better. That's sort of the way things are with this situation.

That whole idea about "ruining things" and "making things awkward"? Generally not true. Most of the successful relationships I know of start between two best friends. You have to be friends with your significant other. It's a fact.

Also, if you're attracted to your best friend/friend, ze probably IS attracted to you to. If you sense something, ZE senses IT TOO.

I don't know where the idea of "ruining a friendship" came from. I just think it's crap--you SHOULD be friends with the person you're dating. You can't expect things to work out with a person you just approached and didn't know, right? Do it.

I mean, I've talked about the C.H.A.R.M method below. You can tell if a person likes you back.

And afterwards, if it doesn't work out? If that person is truly your friend, you guys will STAY friends. I don't care how nervous you are--man up, take the plunge and express yourself. Bottled up emotions will just get awkward as hell, and possibly ruin the friendship. What if she finds someone else? Hrmmmm? What if she starts dating another boy, because she thought you didn't like her? Wouldn't that be disastrous?

I know I'm being pretty harsh. The thing is, I've been in that exact situation so many times, where a guy I really liked just didn't tell me he liked me, and then I ended up dating someone else because I thought "well ok, that's never going to happen." And the first guy ALWAYS mans up too late--like, he'll tell me when I'm perfectly happy, and suddenly, he'll throw a wrench in the relationship. I hate having to choose between two people like that, and nobody should have to be in that position. It makes things even more dramatic for people.

You can avoid so much pain by just opening up to your friend. Because if you can't open up to a friend, why are you guys friends in the first place!

Hope that helps, James! And remember folks, jump those railroads!

~Risk(y)

DTT: "Defining the Thing"

Helllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooo folks! Happy Fourth of July!

Today's question comes to us from Parade, via the nerdfighterlike thread I've set up. Remember, I can' write without questions! Send me your questions via the thread, or via comments!

Parade's question is this:

Any other terms for dating besides "dating" and "going out"? Those are the ONLY terms people throw around in my school, and being in a "relationship" doesn't really sound right either. (I mean, I'm a silly little almost-sophomore. I know for the fact most of my peers haven't built up enough maturiosity to have a "relationship".)

See, here's my philosophy on the matter: If you're somehow emotionally and/or physically involved with a person, it's a relationship. I mean, if you look at the definition of "relationship", basically, all it means is "a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)." Therefor, whether you like it or not, if you've got some sort of emotional/physical connection with someone, you're in a relationship. How you define that relationship is what I think Parade is really getting at. Of course, the important thing to do once you've realized you're in a relationship is to do what my friend likes to call "DTT-ing," ie, "defining the Thing," (also known as "Discussing the Thing." Yeah, you're in a relationship. You can't help that. It sort of just happens. What you CAN do is sit down with whoever you're with, and say "OK. What are our ground rules?"

Based on that, I've got a glossary (not alphabetized, sorry. I'm doing this in terms monogamy and commitment. Way more convenient that way).

Really, a lot of it is just regional linguistics. Terminology varies from place to place. That being said...:

I. Monogamous Relationships/High Levels of Commitment

1. "going out vs. "dating"":For my high school, "going out" and "dating" were synonymous. They both meant "I want to be with you, and you only, and I am committed to buying you things for your birthday, Valentines Day, and Christmas. I will go with you to all dances, and I will never do the sexy dance with anyone else, because that would be cheating." That being said...

2. "cheating": Defined as any activity that one would consider permissible to give/receive from one's significant other. Use common sense. If you don't think your NA would like it, don't do it. Also, this is something that you should discuss BEFORE you really get started in the relationship. Some things are just not understood immediately. For example, if your significant (nerdy) other has a best friend that ze could be sexually attracted to, discuss hir relationship with the best friend. Etc. Kissing on the cheek, sitting in laps, defining "flirting." All of these are necessary to talk about before you really get into things, if only to avoid trauma and very loud, angry fights.

2. "Dating" While I have mentioned that "dating" can be synonymous with "going out," Dating can also mean "going out on a series of casual dates." "Dating" can be considered the precursor to an actual, "going steady," monogamous relationship. There is still a sort of understanding, in that if you are just "dating," you are trying to see "where things are going," but you're not actually "really committed" to each other yet. If you are "dating," you probably shouldn't have a drunken one night stand with anyone else, but if you do, the person you're dating really can't fault you for it...ze can just get really angry. Hooking up while "dating" is like cutting the bait. It's like saying "no, I'm not really as into you as I thought I was." HOWEVER, you CAN be "dating" multiple people at once--this is considered kosher, just as long as you let all of your dating partners know that you're seeing other people. "Dating" success if measured in honesty, not commitment.

II. Polyamorous/Casual Sex Relationships

1. "Friends With Benefits": Although it has a bad rep (mainly because not a lot of people can deal with the open-ness and non-exclusivity), "friends-with-benefits" is not necessarily a bad situation. What it means is that you guys get along quite well, but you don't actually want to commit in any sort of way. It means you want to have the freedom of being single, but still enjoy the company of the other person. Yes, it's pretty obvious, but you guys are literally friends, but with some added benefits. People often get into this type of relationship because they somehow managed to hookup in an extreme circumstance (ie, drunken hookup, or desperation, or right after a rough, emotionally traumatic experience) and they "don't want things to get weird." Unfortunately, if you throw sexuality into ANY sort of relationship, it WILL get "weird," in that an additional level to your relationship will suddenly appear. However, as long as you guys aren't jealous of each other, and as long as you guys really are just friends, it can work out. I've done it before. It was great--and then it evolved into a serious (albeit open) relationship.

2. "Open Relationship": Can I just say that I love the fact that this is an option on facebook? Anyways, an "Open Relationship" is similar to "friends-with-benefits," but not the same thing, exactly. An "Open Relationship" has terms that can vary from couple to couple, but essentially, it means that you have a certain degree of sexual freedom, but still maintain a high level of emotional commitment. In an "Open Relationship," you will be free to hookup with any one you want, but will always bring your (Nerdy) Significant Other to things like dances and weddings. You will give hir presents on hir birthday, Christmas, and Valentines Day. You can even say "I Love You," in a serious, romantic way, and it would not be weird. However, you could probably have sex with anyone you wanted (within reason, obviously). Again, I HAVE seen it work, but I don't guarantee that it works for everyone. I mean, not even monogamy works for everyone

(Side note: For example, I used to be really bad at monogamy and would instead demand "hetero-exclusive" relationships, in which I could "hook-up" (ie, have a single instance of sexual congress with a person) with any girl I wanted, but could not do anything with guys, because I felt the urge was different. Now, I'm in a committed, monogamous relationship with a boy whom I love dearly. Times change, people change. It's all about what you're ready for),

but in the end, you have to be completely honest with yourself and the other person. What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? And what do you want?

3. "Fuck Buddies (also known as "booty calls")": Fuck Buddies, aka, "Booty Calls," are a pretty basic staple of college life. A "fuck buddy" is the person you call when you are sexually frustrated. You don't really hang out with hir at any other point in time--you just call/text hir up, say "Wanna come over?" and well, cumming ensues. A Fuck Buddy is just like an added security to one's partying. You don't stress out after a night of striking out because you know, in the end, you can probably hook up with your "Fuck Buddy."

4. "Polyamory": A "Poly" relationship is like an "Open Relationship," only, there is a set number of people included in the open-ness. For example, one can have a girlfriend AND a boyfriend, or two boyfriends, etc, or even more than three people can be involved. "Poly" relationships have commitment, but they aren't limited to just two people within a sphere. I like the concept of them, but I rarely see them work out (mainly because they normally center around three people, and odd numbers are unstable and often tend towards grouping).

Hope that helps, Parade! Remember folks, jump those rail roads!

~Risk(y)

The Ultimate Question

No, the answer is NOT 42. The Ultimate Question for every nerd in love is this:

How do I tell if some attractive nerd likes me back?

(PS: special thanks to Megan who actually replied to my thread on the nerdfighter's ning. All of you other readers (and I know you exist!) please go there and post questions for me :)

(Side note: Because the use of a gender neutral pronoun was needed extensively in this blog post, since I can't use "they/them" and still be grammatical, I have used the gender neutral pronouns "ze/hir" in the place of "he/she" and "him/her." If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say, please go here so that I don't have to post a lengthy discussion/argument about gender neutrality.)

Anyways, telling if a person likes you back is really easy. Stopping yourself from second guessing? That's really hard, and it also just perpetuates awkward tension (sort of like worrying for a late period--stress makes it later. Worrying about a person liking you back makes them, well, unsure about you).

First things first: How do you tell if a person likes you back?

Well, again, I've created a simple acronym for you guys (also, I really like Harry Potter and this fit amazingly well):

C.H.A.R.M

The C.H.A.R.M. method makes reading a person easy! This is how it works:

1. Conversations: How often do you guys talk? Do you talk a lot in one particular medium? (ie, google talk, AIM, on the phone, texting?) Do you already have a sort of rough, pre-assigned time that you will both be available to talk? If so, chances are, ze really likes you. Talking a lot is the first step. That's why people say "Oh, we're talking." Also, it shows that you have a lot in common and ze doesn't find you annoying.

2. "Harmless" Actions: "Harmless" Actions refers to physical interactions that could or could not be misconstrued as flirting. "Harmless" Actions can include (but are not limited to)
-tickling: it's a classic. The person is putting hir hands all over your body. Or did you not notice how often ticklish spots are in semi-sexual, erogenous zones, or require grabbing? Yeah, the neck? The stomach? The feet? Under the arms? Mmmhmm. And you thought that ze was just being annoying.

-massages (especially foot massages. If a boy or a girl offers you a foot massage, without you asking for one, ze REALLY likes you. Otherwise, why would ze want to touch your feet? I mean, unless ze has a documented foot fetish. But if ze doesn't, and you're complaining about sore feet, and you're wearing obviously well-worn shoes that might be a little...ripe, then obviously ze is attracted to you).

-play punches: Again, another classic. Pretending to hit a person hard gives him/her/hir an excuse to check out whatever area ze punched if you complain. I mean, hello? Kiss it and make it feel better?

-Commenting/playing with your hair and clothes/accessories: If you have long hair, or exceptionally curly hair, it gives hir an excuse to feel it. If you're wearing a hat, and hir wants to wear it, you have to try and get it back from hir later, and tussling, and thus physical contact, will ensue. Plus, if you forget, it gives hir an excuse to meet up with you later.

3. Rationalization: Rationalization is like logical explanations for things. Applied to this situation, it means "How often does ze choose you over something that is probably way more important?" Meaning, how often does ze talk/hang out with you, instead of say, doing homework, going to work, calling family, or hanging out with friends? How often does ze insist on helping you out, instead of say, getting some sleep or eating? Obviously, if this is a regular occurrence, they're interested in you.

4. Meshing: Finally, "Meshing". "Meshing" is the most important thing when it comes to considering how much this person likes you. "Meshing" is what a lot of romance novels call "the spark," like, how much do you have in common and how equal is the conversation when you're around each other? This is the hardest one to consider, because it's the easiest to exaggerate. This is the only one that really requires a good sense of objectivity (the others are very physical and very obvious). Look back on all your conversations and interactions. How many of the previous three activities were instigated by you? How many were instigated by them? Do you ever feel the situation is strained in either direction? (NOTE THE EITHER: IF YOU FEEL YOU ONLY LIKE THIS PERSON BECAUSE YOU FEEL ZE LIKES YOU, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD BACK OUT RIGHT THIS INSTANCE. I MEAN IT. LIKING A PERSON JUST BECAUSE ZE LIKES YOU IS PROBABLY THE DUMBEST, MOST DETRIMENTAL THING THAT CAN INFLUENCE A RELATIONSHIP)

Look, and think about the whole picture. Think about:
-inside jokes(do you have any? how many?)

-the way you say hello and goodbye (Do you send e-hearts? Do you hug? Do you just not say goodbye because you fall asleep on the phone with each other?)

-Nicknames (do you have ones for each other? How many? How often are they used?)

-How often each one of you instigates a conversation (does ze IM/call you, or do you call hir? Is it even?)

And, most importantly:

-DOES ZE HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE THAT ZE TALKS ABOUT A LOT? (Sadly, all of the former items in this list can be attributed to a "best friend." If the person you're interested in spends a lot of time talking about and interacting with another person, you're probably sunk. Sad, hard, truth. Accurate romantic comedies are not).

That being said, if you are the main object of all of these things, you're probably golden. Just make sure you don't freak out, and honestly, the best way to ascertain all of this? Just ask. It's really easy. All you have to do is tell hir that you like hir a lot, and see their reaction. How you do that? Well, that's a blog entry I've conveniently, already written. Do that? You're golden :)

And trust me, it's pretty gratifying.

Hop over those rail roads, folks!
~Risk(y)