Today's question comes to us from Parade, via the nerdfighterlike thread I've set up. Remember, I can' write without questions! Send me your questions via the thread, or via comments!
Parade's question is this:
Any other terms for dating besides "dating" and "going out"? Those are the ONLY terms people throw around in my school, and being in a "relationship" doesn't really sound right either. (I mean, I'm a silly little almost-sophomore. I know for the fact most of my peers haven't built up enough maturiosity to have a "relationship".)
See, here's my philosophy on the matter: If you're somehow emotionally and/or physically involved with a person, it's a relationship. I mean, if you look at the definition of "relationship", basically, all it means is "a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)." Therefor, whether you like it or not, if you've got some sort of emotional/physical connection with someone, you're in a relationship. How you define that relationship is what I think Parade is really getting at. Of course, the important thing to do once you've realized you're in a relationship is to do what my friend likes to call "DTT-ing," ie, "defining the Thing," (also known as "Discussing the Thing." Yeah, you're in a relationship. You can't help that. It sort of just happens. What you CAN do is sit down with whoever you're with, and say "OK. What are our ground rules?"
Based on that, I've got a glossary (not alphabetized, sorry. I'm doing this in terms monogamy and commitment. Way more convenient that way).
Really, a lot of it is just regional linguistics. Terminology varies from place to place. That being said...:
I. Monogamous Relationships/High Levels of Commitment
1. "going out vs. "dating"":For my high school, "going out" and "dating" were synonymous. They both meant "I want to be with you, and you only, and I am committed to buying you things for your birthday, Valentines Day, and Christmas. I will go with you to all dances, and I will never do the sexy dance with anyone else, because that would be cheating." That being said...
2. "cheating": Defined as any activity that one would consider permissible to give/receive from one's significant other. Use common sense. If you don't think your NA would like it, don't do it. Also, this is something that you should discuss BEFORE you really get started in the relationship. Some things are just not understood immediately. For example, if your significant (nerdy) other has a best friend that ze could be sexually attracted to, discuss hir relationship with the best friend. Etc. Kissing on the cheek, sitting in laps, defining "flirting." All of these are necessary to talk about before you really get into things, if only to avoid trauma and very loud, angry fights.
2. "Dating" While I have mentioned that "dating" can be synonymous with "going out," Dating can also mean "going out on a series of casual dates." "Dating" can be considered the precursor to an actual, "going steady," monogamous relationship. There is still a sort of understanding, in that if you are just "dating," you are trying to see "where things are going," but you're not actually "really committed" to each other yet. If you are "dating," you probably shouldn't have a drunken one night stand with anyone else, but if you do, the person you're dating really can't fault you for it...ze can just get really angry. Hooking up while "dating" is like cutting the bait. It's like saying "no, I'm not really as into you as I thought I was." HOWEVER, you CAN be "dating" multiple people at once--this is considered kosher, just as long as you let all of your dating partners know that you're seeing other people. "Dating" success if measured in honesty, not commitment.
II. Polyamorous/Casual Sex Relationships
1. "Friends With Benefits": Although it has a bad rep (mainly because not a lot of people can deal with the open-ness and non-exclusivity), "friends-with-benefits" is not necessarily a bad situation. What it means is that you guys get along quite well, but you don't actually want to commit in any sort of way. It means you want to have the freedom of being single, but still enjoy the company of the other person. Yes, it's pretty obvious, but you guys are literally friends, but with some added benefits. People often get into this type of relationship because they somehow managed to hookup in an extreme circumstance (ie, drunken hookup, or desperation, or right after a rough, emotionally traumatic experience) and they "don't want things to get weird." Unfortunately, if you throw sexuality into ANY sort of relationship, it WILL get "weird," in that an additional level to your relationship will suddenly appear. However, as long as you guys aren't jealous of each other, and as long as you guys really are just friends, it can work out. I've done it before. It was great--and then it evolved into a serious (albeit open) relationship.
2. "Open Relationship": Can I just say that I love the fact that this is an option on facebook? Anyways, an "Open Relationship" is similar to "friends-with-benefits," but not the same thing, exactly. An "Open Relationship" has terms that can vary from couple to couple, but essentially, it means that you have a certain degree of sexual freedom, but still maintain a high level of emotional commitment. In an "Open Relationship," you will be free to hookup with any one you want, but will always bring your (Nerdy) Significant Other to things like dances and weddings. You will give hir presents on hir birthday, Christmas, and Valentines Day. You can even say "I Love You," in a serious, romantic way, and it would not be weird. However, you could probably have sex with anyone you wanted (within reason, obviously). Again, I HAVE seen it work, but I don't guarantee that it works for everyone. I mean, not even monogamy works for everyone
(Side note: For example, I used to be really bad at monogamy and would instead demand "hetero-exclusive" relationships, in which I could "hook-up" (ie, have a single instance of sexual congress with a person) with any girl I wanted, but could not do anything with guys, because I felt the urge was different. Now, I'm in a committed, monogamous relationship with a boy whom I love dearly. Times change, people change. It's all about what you're ready for),
but in the end, you have to be completely honest with yourself and the other person. What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? And what do you want?
3. "Fuck Buddies (also known as "booty calls")": Fuck Buddies, aka, "Booty Calls," are a pretty basic staple of college life. A "fuck buddy" is the person you call when you are sexually frustrated. You don't really hang out with hir at any other point in time--you just call/text hir up, say "Wanna come over?" and well, cumming ensues. A Fuck Buddy is just like an added security to one's partying. You don't stress out after a night of striking out because you know, in the end, you can probably hook up with your "Fuck Buddy."
4. "Polyamory": A "Poly" relationship is like an "Open Relationship," only, there is a set number of people included in the open-ness. For example, one can have a girlfriend AND a boyfriend, or two boyfriends, etc, or even more than three people can be involved. "Poly" relationships have commitment, but they aren't limited to just two people within a sphere. I like the concept of them, but I rarely see them work out (mainly because they normally center around three people, and odd numbers are unstable and often tend towards grouping).
Hope that helps, Parade! Remember folks, jump those rail roads!
~Risk(y)
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