Today's question comes from Megan, via the nerdfighter thread. Megan has a question that she claims all her friends want answered. This is the question:
What are turn-offs for nerdy guys/girls?
(I know right? Totally shorter than most questions I get. But that's ok, because this one is loaded).
I tend to think that a lot of what goes into a nerdy relationship is the same stuff that goes into any relationship: common interests, goals, view points, beliefs, etc. However, I can honestly say that nerdy relationships can have a bit more emphasis on certain things when it comes to what people look for. I'm not saying that these general guidelines are the norm, but I will say that these are a lot of complaints that I get from most of my nerdy (meaning intelligent and proud of it!) friends.
Then again, these probably also apply to the general populace, but are more emphasized in the nerd world.
So here it is: yet another anagram. This one is:
S.U.C.K.A.(explanation point implied, bitches)
S.U.C.K.A. stands for:
1. Stupidity: I feel like this goes without saying,but there it is. What defines a nerd is hir level of intelligence. Brains are important. If you can't keep up, it's not necessarily a bad thing--it just means that communication will probably be hard.
2. Uninterest: Again, this is something that can be generalized into any relationship. In-depth discussions only work if all parties involved are willing to be...you know...sucked into the topic. I'm not saying that you guys should always be into the same things (I mean, being different is why a lot of relationships work), but if you're bored to tears because your significant other is discussing their life work,* things are probably not going to work out. I'm not saying you should be listening with rapt attention, eyes shining with enthusiasm, but you should be able to at least participate in listening.
3. Competitiveness: Competitiveness is one of those things that can be great in small doses, but in large ones, it can be fatal.** Playing video games together and doing a victory dance is one thing. Purposefully sabotaging somebody's test scores by affecting hir studying is another. Sure, you guys are both nerds and academics are like, really really important to nerds...but a lot of times, being number one in a class doesn't really translate well when you're dating number two. You have to back off or help each other. Seriously. Both of you can be number one. Chill.
4. Knowledge Assumption: A lot of times, one of the biggest complaints I get from my friends is that the person they're dating just assumes that everybody else is stupider. Or, even worse, that my friend is less knowledgeable about a certain topic than ze is. It's a hard line to walk, because a lot of times, the significant other COULD be smarter than the general populace, or maybe ze DOES know more about certain topics. Thing is, you don't rub that in other people's faces. Condescension is the ultimate turn off, no matter who you are dating. Nobody likes to be told that they don't know anything. And as much as you might know about something, I guarantee you, there will always be someone that knows more than you. It can be embarrassing for both parties.*** Explore how much a person knows before you jump in with the lecturing. It's just common sense.
I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
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*Example: if you don't want to hear about particle physics on a regular basis, don't date a physics major/physicist. Everybody takes their work home with them; it's unavoidable. If you don't want to hear about quarks and shit, and if you have absolutely no interest in hir work, then why are you interested in hir again? Surely that's an integral part of hir's personality.
**Don't believe me? Why do you think wars happen? That's right. Some douchebag was like "I am better than you!" and some other douchebag was like "NO YOU ARE NOT." I'm serious. Every war in the history of mankind could have been avoided if both parties were like "Ok, maybe we're both pretty cool people and we should work together."
***For example, I have been on the receiving end of a condescending lecture on vaccines and autism. Why was this embarrassing? Because my parents are both pediatricians and I've attended lectures on the topic when my parents brought me along on medical conferences. Embarrassing for him, because I knew a lot more, and embarrassing for me, because I couldn't actually say "you are wrong about so many things."
Great article, I cannot disagree with it.
ReplyDeleteJust read your archive, interesting stuff throughout. And an impressively challenging pace you set for yourself! Also, I am borrowing your use of gender irrelevant pronouns, thank you. I assume they are intended to be universally applicable, not just to he/she or him/her?
ReplyDeleteIn regards to this specific post, I do believe that it is possible to leave one's work at work, anecdotally at least. As a mathematician it sort of works out better that way. Once I get past the response of revulsion (I don't like blood and gore but you don't see me demeaning a doctor's profession do you?) I find it best to let the subject drop. Being asked what kind of math is one of my least favorite questions, since math is such an abstract field I have no way to provide easily accessible reference points (ophthalmologist, most everyone knows what an eye is, civil engineer, yep, I use bridges). So I end up explaining that, no, algebra is not what they think it is, then trying to introduce some concepts that you get to in your second or third year of undergrad so they have an idea what the basics of the subject are.
I also do not want to hear most of my colleagues discuss their math, informally at least, because it is so specialized that if they are speaking in a manner comfortable to them, odds are most of it will go over my head. And people wonder why mathematicians are stereotyped with poor communication skills, though math books may have something to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, if a layperson brings up a mathematical concept that I understand, I am quite happy and excited to share what I know with them, as long as they are interested. I just do not enjoy discussing my work with people who don't already understand what I do. Pet peeve, end rant :)
Kenny--yes, gender neutral pronouns are for use of any sort of gender, be it man, woman, or neither.
ReplyDeleteAs for your pet peeve--I've found that while you wouldn't discuss high level mathematics with someone who doesn't understand it, I've found that a lot of people have bad days at work. That being said, if you're dating someone who isn't into math, you should STILL be able to rant to them without them losing all interest and talking about something else mid-rant. Listening is key to any relationship.
I'm dating a physicist right now. I'm not a science person by any means, but when he rants to me about not getting anywhere, or when he needs some grammar advice, I'm always available to listen and help. That's all I meant--I didn't mean you should explain all your shit to a person just because you're dating them :P
Oooops, I interpreted that as technical details.
ReplyDelete