Sarah asks:
How do you (A) identify a crush, (B) deal with a crush, and (C) get rid of a crush? I constantly find myself subject to intense infatuation with the opposite sex and I am tired of losing my head to such juvenile fantasies!
It's the time you all have been waiting for...that's right! ACRONYM TIME!
Ironically, the acronym for identifying if you have a crush on someone is actually C.R.U.S.H.. Here's how it goes.
Whether or not you have a crush on someone is nothing to be afraid of. Sometimes, yes, it takes a while to realize 'Oh, I'm actually way into a person." Thing is, that's not immature and it's certainly not annoying. Crushes are GREAT. Crushes are how all good relationships start. Little secret: Juvenile fantasies are only called "juvenile" because teenagers are the only ones dumb enough to talk about them out loud. Seriously...who DOESN'T want to find true love?*
Now, identifying what a crush is, is really important. I would say that YOUR crush is a person. HAVING a crush is the feelings that certain person inspires. Your crush is the person that you search for in the halls at school (or in class) (or anywhere where there's a vague possibility of bumping into hir). A crush is someone you facestalk to an intense degree, but will never admit to doing so.** A crush is the person you think about all the time and have imaginary conversations with. You want to write poetry about your crush. In other words, a crush is the seed of true love.
Now, to identify whether or not you have a crush on someone, please check the following things:
1. Contact: Do you find yourself wanting to touch them at all times? I mean, do you find yourself getting tinglies in your belly when they play punch you? Do you have tickle wars? Mmmhmmm. I thought so. You search out physical contact like a drug. "No, DON'T tickle me there! Like don't ever tickle me there are that exact spot in-between my first and second ribs because then I will collapse because of reflexology and I might land in your lap! Please don't follow my extreme directions to my achilles heel! Oh, you rascal!" Oh, honey.
2. Rush: Maybe it's cheating to use this as a word. I don't care. "Rush" is that feeling of extreme euphoria when you see the person anywhere. You know what I'm talking about. If you see them in the hall, you stare and giggle and maybe turn a little red. You're rooted in the spot...sort of like the reverse of a great white shark attack. And don't tell me that just because you're a boy, you don't giggle. I've seen it. Man up and admit it--you blush and make little laughs just like the rest of us.
3. Unnecessary Sentences: Do you get verbal diarrhea when you're talking to this person? Or do you get the opposite...verbal constipation, and the only shit (ahahahah) that comes out is the stuff you REALLY didn't want to say? Do you have to think up your conversational responses at least two hours in advance to make sure you don't blank out like that one time you didn't study for an AP Calc test, or maybe the time where you tried imagining people in their underwear to get through a public speech? Did you mention the aforementioned imagining? Yes? Verbal skills are the first to go. Sad, and evolutionary un-sound, but true.
4. Humor: Do you laugh at everything this person says? Even if, you know, when you explain the laughing to your best friend later, they look at you like "WTF? How is the phrase "bologna sandwich in my tummy" funny at all? It doesn't even rhyme!" and you will inevitably answer with, "Uhm, I guess you had to be there. And it TOTALLY does!" The number one thing that people look for is a sense of humor. Laughing at everything someone says is the body language equivalent of saying "Do me, right here, right now. I love you so much."
So there you have it. You have a crush. It's lovely.
Dealing with a crush is also quite easy. use the C.H.A.R.M Method and have at it. What you want is a Charmed Crush relationship, where the crushing is mutual. Anyways, if they like you back, just have at it. If you're STILL not sure, well, don't worry, ze probably likes you anyways. Just go for it. Don't worry about it...and if ze ends up being total jackasses, you won't like hir anymore anyways. Win/Win Situation.
Part 3: Getting rid of the crush.
Well, I don't actually know why you would want to not have a crush, because crushes, as I said, are the sweetest, most agonizing part of being in love. They're exciting and lovely and hormonal. Crushes are the romantic equivalent of shots: They're potent, generally short, and man, do you feel dizzy afterwards. If they don't mean anything, they'll go away in time. But if the crush is actually the precursor to something amazing and beautiful,*** just let it run its course and develop. That whole idea that "juvenile love" is way different from "adult love"? Not true. adults get crushes all the time. They just term it as "a spark," or "love at first sight," or "the world melting away," or "clicking." A crush by any other name still feels as crazy. What ISN'T mature is just ignoring it and saying "oh, whatever, it's just a crush and I'm just going to be mature and laugh at people because HAHA I'VE RISEN ABOUT ALL THAT." Just admit it. Enjoy it. Ride it out. Surf's up, and who knows? Maybe you can actually ride the tsunami :)
Anyways, I hope that helps. And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
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*True Story: My current boyfriend actually told me (in our first week of dating) that he had a crush on me. Most adorable thing I've ever heard.
**facestalking your crush is not creepy because you are well aware that it is creepy. Facestalking crosses the line into creepiness when you're open about it. You can giggle with your girlfriends about facestalking (or, you know, giggle with your bros), but you can't giggle with anybody over creepy stalker facestalking. Know the line. Straddle the line. Don't cross the line. Or else, you know, the line will be cross at you and you REALLY don't want an angry line in your life.
***Like I said: Seed of True Love.
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