Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

...Again.

So, recently, Kenny posted this thread on the nerdfighter ning.

Kenny's question wasn't really directed at me, but I decided to post it anyways, because it was so applicable to my blog.

Kenny's question:

Earlier tonight me and my friend were talking and the topic of virginity came up. I asked her how she wanted her first time to be, and she said that she hadn't given it much thought, and didn't really care about "the specifics". I'd always thought that girls put a lot of thought into this kind of thing, so I decided to make a discussion on the Ning about it =)

You know, I'm pretty sure that everybody thinks about how they're going to lose their virginity, or how they lost it, or how they planned things vs. how things turned out. Losing your virginity is one of those pivotal moments in your life, etc etc etc.

Thing is, it doesn't have to be that big of a deal, or even that big of a stress. The thing to think about is that a lot of people have varying ideas about what "losing your virginity" entails. I mean, for heterosexual couples, a lot of it is "PIV Sex," as in "penis in vagina." Even THAT'S complicated, though, because some people count "oral sex," as, well, sex (I mean, it's sort of in the name, right?) so giving/receiving your first blow job/eating out counts. I went to school with a lot of girls who claimed "technical virginity," as if being sexually active in terms of oral (and even anal) sex made them more "pure" and "moral" than a girl who had sex with her long term boyfriend. I mean, obviously, the sexual politics of losing your virginity is really skewed--girls are supposed to hang onto it, and boys are supposed to lose it ASAP. That's just the heterosexual side, though.

Losing your virginity as a queer person is very complicated, especially in terms of lesbian sex. A lot of people just assume, "Oh, the farthest girls can go with each other on a hetero scale without a penis is oral, so that must be sex," but that's just stupid. Why would we want to measure ourselves by an entirely different standard? Most women I know claim a certain amount of genital contact is "sex," but again, the definition of it varies so much that you can't just choose one clear-cut, majority definition.

Anal sex for queer men is generally considered losing your virginity as well, but again, I know queer men who don't really care for anal as much as say, oral or other sexual activities. I think defining "anal sex" as "gay losing your virginity" also stems from a very hetero-normative ideal--that it involves sticking your penis in a genital opening, and therefor, is the closest two dudes can get to getting it on.

And I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying that heterosexual sex is uncomplicated to define, either. Losing your virginity can mean a lot of things, not just sex. For example, what about consent? Age? Knowledge of what was going on? All of these things are factors.

So anyways, losing your virginity, it's sort of this idealized rite-of-passage/ceremony that Western culture tends to elevate to such a high standard that nobody can really live up to the expectations.

Here's the deal, though: Sex is meaningful, and it has repercussions, and those repercussions can be both good and bad*. I'm not saying that losing your virginity in the heat of the moment is necessarily a bad thing (in fact, that can be a lot less stressful than planning the "perfect evening"), but you should at least take SOME precautions. These include:

1. PROTECTION: Condoms are great. I'm sorry, boys, but if you complain about the "loss of sensitivity," and "how awkward it feels," and "how awkward is it to stop and put it on," think about how "awkward" it would be if, you know, you guys had an unplanned pregnancy. Are you ready to deal with an unplanned pregnancy? Could you support a child if your girl wanted you to? No? Then wear a frickin' condom. Even if the girl is on birth control, birth control doesn't protect against anything but babies, and a lot of times, if the girl forgets to take a pill THAT DAY, you guys are screwed. And don't leave it in your wallet, either. That creates holes.

2. CHECK UPS: After you lose your virginity, you're sexually active**. Get a checkup afterwards (or even before, if you want to plan things correctly). Don't be afraid to get tested afterwards--even if you trust the person, you never know. For example, herpes can be transmitted via cold sores. Or some diseases, are, unfortunately, genetically passed down (HIV, for example). MEN AND WOMEN need to have certain things tested if they're having sex. Just good hygiene.

3: SEX IS FUN. IT SHOULDN'T HURT: A lot of girls are afraid of pain--the pain of the hymen tearing. But not all women HAVE a hymen, and not all girls have a hymen intact when they first have sex***. But if you ARE, it shouldn't hurt more than a second or two, and even then, it's just like a little pinch. if sex after that CONTINUES to hurt (any sex, really), then that means either you need a little lube, or the angle is wrong. Don't be afraid to say something--sex should be enjoyable to both parties. And if your partner knows what ze is doing, ze will definitely be able to make things more comfortable for you (this goes for ANY type of couple, queer or straight. If insertion is occurring, the giver should definitely know what ze is doing. And be receptive and adaptable).


4. DON'T PANIC: If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's allowed to stop mid-way through. Or, if you lose your nerve, don't do it. Sex shouldn't be something you do for someone else--and it DEFINITELY shouldn't be something that you do just to please another person. Sex is YOUR decision. Don't let somebody make up your mind for you. I mean, would you let somebody else floss your teeth if you really didn't feel like it? Not that sex is like flossing your teeth****, but seriously, make up your own mind.

That being said, if both parties are virgins, please make sure that both of you know what's going on. I don't mean watch porn (because obviously, NOT REALISTIC AT ALL), but maybe ask some experienced friend that you trust. There are always a lot of questions that everybody has. Talk to someone that you KNOW is reliable.

I hope that helps, and clarifies things! And remember folks, JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!

xoxo,
Risk(y)



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*Example: Anyone watch Teen Mom? or 16 and Pregnant? Or the Secret Life of the American Teen? or Degrassi? Or "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? I mean, seriously, American pop culture is OBSESSED with teen parenthood. But there's also STDs, and then, you know, there's orgasms and a deeper relationship with a person. Or, you know, orgasms.

**Actually, before you lose your virginity, you're probably also deemed as "sexually active." "Sexually Active" means that you are doing the hanky panky with other people's sexual organs. But after you lose your virginity, you are DEFINITELY sexually active.

***I mean, do you ride a bike regularly? Do you do horse-back riding? Do you do gymnastics? Have you been fingered? You're probably hymen-less already. No biggie. Be glad.


****Other than, I don't know, inserting somebody else's elongated body part into a (generally) wet orifice and then wiggling it around for a little bit