Today's question comes from Cavalier, via the nerdfighter thread
Cavalier asks:
How do I tell how far a girl is willing to go? Not even talking about sex, just figuring out what she is willing to do. I hate to seem like I'm pushing something upon the girl that she isn't really willing to do or not willing to do just yet.
I mean, there's a long answer and a short answer here. This is the short answer:
Just ask her.
=P
Sorry guys, I couldn't resist. But ultimately, asking someone is all you have to do. Of course, it can be awkward if you just all of a sudden ask a girl (out of nowhere): "How do you feel about me sticking my fingers in your coochie-snorcher?"
That is just not romantic.
What you should do is bring matters up, gently. This is also important if you are the older/more experienced person in the relationship. The less experienced/younger* person often feels pressured to know what ze is doing, and often, feels obligated to go as far in the current relationship as past girlfriends/boyfriends have.
That being said, talking about this stuff is AWKWARD. It always will be. However, there are ways to alleviate the awkwardness.
Tip 1: Talk about things beforehand, in a private setting. Next time you're alone and just chatting (on the phone is fine, but in person is better--you can get nuances like shyness and uncomfortable vibes), bring up the subject. Something like "Oh, I was thinking today, and we haven't discussed what we're comfortable with, at least, sexually. I don't ever want to feel like I'm pressing you to do anything you don't want to do. So, please tell me what you feel comfortable doing."
Tip 2: If, somehow, you end up in a physical position where you're not sure if it's OK to proceed further, stop, quietly ask her "Is this OK?" and act accordingly. If she says "No," then back off and return to the previous sexual step**. If she looks like she wants to talk, talk to her. If she looks unsure, just back off and ask her what's wrong. Use your common sense.
Tip 3: If you, yourself are in a position that compromises your comfortability, say something. Be firm. This is the most important thing: make your wants and needs clear. It is possible for both men and women to be raped/rape each other. I realize this is an ugly topic, but date rape and sexual assault do happen. Yes, it counts as rape/sexual assault if a person clearly says "no," and the perpetrator keeps going. This is why communication in a relationship is SO IMPORTANT.
Tip 4: Keep your boundaries in mind, but always be prepared for a change in scenario. A lot of couples I know in college started out saying "we shouldn't have sex." The thing is, in the "heat of the moment," that opinion can change. I know plenty of people who have lost their virginity due to a spontaneous decision. So when I say "be prepared," please always have a condom ready. Even if a girl is on birth control, condoms are necessary to prevent STIs and other nasty things. Also, birth control is NOT 100% effective. It's always good to double up. That being said, do NOT keep your condom in a wallet. The condom's latex can develop holes due to the heat and friction. Also, ladies: please have your own condoms ready. There should be no "oh, I'm the girl, I don't bring the condoms." If you want to have sex, you should have some. Safe sex is not one person's responsibility: it is whoever has sex (be it 2, 3, or a billion people involved).
Tip 5: RELAX! Have fun! The key to any relationship problem is really simple: communication. As long as both of you know exactly where things are going, and as long as everyone knows everyone else's boundaries (and respects them), a fun time will be had by all.
Hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
______________________________________________________
*footnote: The younger person in a relationship is NOT NECESSARILY the less experienced. For example, I have a far more extensive dating history than my current boyfriend, and he is five years older than me. That being said, in high school, heterosexual relationships, there is a lot of pressure on older boys having more experience. This is bullshit. Also, this is something that you should discuss with each other.
**Sexual Step: A step in the sexual ladder. Bases. I like to think of them as the four F's: French, Finger, Fellatio, Fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment