Taboos, part 1

Today's question comes anonymously via the formspring:

Are there people who are just automatically off limits by unspoken expectations, for example, the younger brother of a best friend?

Now, in dating, there are certain taboos. These taboos can range from the areas of what not to say, what not to do, and, most importantly, who NOT to date.

I mean, the thing with dating taboos is that they vary from person to person. There are a few universally acknowledged bad ideas*, but there are a few that remain relative.

Dating your best friend's little brother is a bit of a grey area. There are a few things to consider. I bring you yet another convenient (sort of) acronym in the form of AH(cubed) (yes, the "H" is cubed. You can also pronounce it "Ahhh," if you really want to).

1. Age: Are you older than the younger brother? Are you younger than the younger brother? Are you the same age. I mean, age is relative and it really depends on each situation, but if you are in high school, I would exercise some caution in terms of dating more than two years older/younger. I don't want to be age-ist, but just realistic: when you are a teenager, there is a HUGE difference between a 15 year old and a 17 year old. Likewise with a 16 year old and an 18 year old. Take any two year age difference in the years from about 12** to 19***, and you'll find a massive maturity gap. I mean, I'd just like to break down some of these for you:

a.) If you're a 13 year old dating a 15 year old, you're a seventh grader dating a freshman. You're in middle school and dating a high schooler. Let's take that the other way around. If you are in high school, you're dating a middle schooler. Right now, that would be a person born in 1995 dating someone in 1997. To put that in perspective: the Titanic came out in 1997. Pocahontas came out in 1995. Does the age gap seem rather large to you now? Good.

b.) If you're a 16 year old dating an 18 year old, that means you're a high school sophomore dating a freshman in college (again, or vice versa). To put that in perspective: hey college kid! the other kid was born AFTER "A Whole New World" hit the radios. That's right...after Aladdin. Geez, this is making ME feel old...

I'm hoping that's enough to illustrate things for you. Now, there are a few exceptions to this rule. I mean, I knew a few couples who managed to work things out even with the whole "omg, high school vs. college" age gap...but it's HARD. It's like, learning how to drive versus learning how to LIVE ON YOUR OWN. It's like learning geometry vs. learning calculus. There's just such a HUGE age gap there.

2. How do you feel?: I mean, are you considering this because this is a pretty cute kid and you know ze's had a huge crush on you for a while now? Or did you just wake up one day, realize that ze's pretty hot and awesome and you want to date hir? I mean, hormones are funny things. I too have felt the power of being the object of a full-fledged, first crush. Again, with the first rule of dating:

DON'T DATE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE ZE LIKES YOU.

which leads us to...

3. How does the younger sibling feel about you?: OK, so say you've figured out that yes, you actually really do like this person. Now...do you think this person reciprocates?**** OK, but do you think ze is mature enough to handle dating you? Are you mature enough to handle dating hir? Are you both looking for the same things, and could both see yourselves dating each other very successfully, or being very cool in a break up? This is important, and leads us to the final point...

4. How does your best friend feel about it?: Here's the thing: your best friend is YOUR BEST FRIEND. Treat hir with respect. Ascertain whether or not the dating is a viable option, and then ask your biffle before your proceed. Why? Because best friends don't go behind their best friend's backs to date someone. Obviously, hir opinion matters. You wouldn't be questioning the ethics of this situation, otherwise. So ask. Discuss matters with the younger sibling first, and then ask. You just don't want to cause a false alarm heart attack with the best friend, ok?

I hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!

xoxo,
risk(Y)

PS: the nerdfighter thread can be found here, and the formspring box is to your upper right. Alternatively, you can just click on this link :)






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*Examples include: dating a CURRENT professor, dating a CURRENT boss, and dating someone you are closely related to. I mean, the last is pretty much another way of saying "biological disaster." The others are just bad situations asking to happen.

**I'm counting 12 as a teenager, damn it. It never made sense to me the idea of "preteen" only existing for 11 and 12 year olds. 12 for me was a pivotal time. You start shopping for adult clothes at 12. 11, yes, very young. 12 is very different from 11.

***These numbers, of course, exclude ages differences that involve one age outside of the 12-18 range (example: 18 and 20, or 19 and 21) on the older side of the scale. If you're a 12 year old and you're dating a 10 year old, please ask yourself: should a 10 year old really be "dating" anyone at all? Seriously. Rethink some issues there.

****refer to here for more details.

The Bases...an addendum to the last post

A few administrative notes and then my post:

I am a college student. This is my last year. I am incredibly busy, as I have several applications/qualifying exams/a full course load (seriously, I am at maximum credit hours. Do not mess). That being said, the most I can update is twice a week. Twice. I'm sorry. I know, it's going down from every other day. I'll try to update every other day when I'm on break.

That being said, updates will occur on Mondays and Wednesdays. I hope that works, and thank you for still reading :)

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So, in regards to the last post I wrote, I got a question on formspring. This question was:

What was supposed to come after the "little boob action" to make it realistc?

-The Ignorant One

The Base System (1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, and Home) is basically a system of measurement for the "farthest" a heterosexual relationship has gone. Basically, I like to go with the Five F's System. The Five F's System vs the Base System is a lot like Metric vs. English. Everyone else in the world can understand the Metric system, but since Americans* are just soooo in love with baseball**, you basically just have to convert to the one that makes sense. Also, one can apply the Five F's System to any type of relationship involving a penis, and you really can't do that with the Base System, as its definition of "going home" is basically limited to P.I.V. Sex....but more on that later in the post.

That being said, the Five F's System is as follows:

1. Friends: There is no equivalent of the "Friend" stage in the Base System. This is stupid, because you really have a preliminary stage in all relationships, and that is "talking." As in, "we are friends but probably both of us want to go much farther, but we're just going to talk and flirt, etc."

2. French: "French" obviously refers to "French Kissing," that is, kissing with tongue and possibly a little upper body groping. In the Base System, this is "first base." However, many people have problems with the idea of "First Base" including upper-body groping, mostly because of the above-the-shirt, under-the-shirt, duration-of-time arguments.***

3. Finger: Now, there really isn't a clear equivalent for Fingering**** in the Base System. A lot of people like grouping it with making-out, upper-body groping as "Second Base." Some people like grouping it with oral sex. This is because people have mixed ideas as to what a handjob/fingering entails*****. "Fingering" in the Five F system doesn't really have anything to do with details like "Oh, was he actually inside, or was he just sort of fiddling around with my panties? And does it count if I was rubbing him above his pants?" In this system, "Fingering" really just means, "you were using your hands in some way to stimulate the genital area of your partner." It's sort of like how in physics, "work" doesn't mean what it does in layman's terms. Deal with it.

4. Fellatio: Obviously, "Fellatio" is just used as the catch-all term for oral sex because it's a lot easier to remember the "Five F's" System than it is to remember the "FFHFCF" System. It's a mnemonic device, NOT a political statement. But anyways...oral sex. It's a separate stage, and in the Base System, it is ALWAYS at third base. However, in the Base System, as stated above, it is often grouped with other activities involving the genital area. This is ridiculous, as there is a huge difference in the convenience level of covertly fingering someone's pussy, and actually being in a situation where you could, you know, eat hir out.****** Oral sex and Fingering are also completely different in terms of skill sets. While Oral sex can involve fingering/hand job-like motions, oral requires your mouth to know what it's doing. Just saying.

5. Fuck: Fuck means sex. Whatever your sexual identity, there is an equivalent of "going all the way." This is "Home Plate" in the Base System. "Fuck" is a nice general term because it can be thrown around in any situation and basically means, "we were as sexual intimate as two people of our genders can be." For "Home Plate," however, the implication is "if it's not penis-in-vagina sex, it's not going all the way." This means that girl can be anally penetrated by a guy, but some people would still not call that "having sex." Obviously, I have issues with that*******. "Fuck" can be applied to every single type of couple because it is a universal and fluid word.

Now, some notes on the system:

Yes, in almost every situation, the acts occur in this order. It is VERY rare for a consensual sexual encounter to go immediately to Fucking, or even to skip over Fingering. Oral sex/stimulation is a bit more flexible (it can be left out in many situations) but in terms of how far a couple has gone, normally people do go through these stages (whether they are having a one night stand that goes from zero to 60, or if they are in a committed relationship that is taking things step by step).

The issues I had with Mia and Michael were that it sounded like Mia went from taking it slow to basically wanting to jump Michael. The staging of it all just seemed a bit skewed. Generally, a couple has a set pace that they follow...going all or nothing is something generally unheard of. Mia seemed to have made up her mind to take it slow, and then, when Michael came back, she was perfectly willing to lose her virginity to him, even if she knew she had made the same decision for the WRONG reasons, two years before. It just seemed off.

I hope that helps!

And Remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(Y)

PS: The nerdfighter thread is still active, and the formspring box is to your upper right. Please ask questions, as without questions, this blog wouldn't exist :)


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*And, you know, I'm an American, and it annoys me that the metric system isn't intuitive for me since it wasn't taught with emphasis in school.

**Or, you know, inches and other measurements that never, EVER make sense for conversion.

***In a nutshell, these arguments are: "Does it count if it's over the shirt, and in passing? Or does it have to be under the shirt? And does it count if it's over the shirt, and it's definitely placed there and even doing some massaging? And what about the bra? Do the boobies have to be in direct contact with hir hands and mouth?" etc. This is just ridiculous. In the Five F system, if there is boob action, you are Frenching. If you have arguments about this, I don't want to hear it. It makes sense, as Frenching=Making out and Making Out, as you can see from the first definition @ urbandictionary.com CLEARLY CAN INCLUDE "some groping." I mean, obviously, "Frenching" is much more of an emphasis on tongue action kissing, but tongue action kissing to the point of boob action is basically what is encompassed in the Five F System. Please don't argue this point. Just move on. This footnote is already ridiculously large and I don't want to come up with any more sources than are really necessary.

****Or, if you want to mess up the Five F format, you can convert very easily to "handjob." Does that work? Yes. Is it as alliterative? No. Am I still going to include it in this discussion because I hate being heteronormative? Yes. OK. Let's move on.

*****And PS: the beauty of the Five F system is that fingering/handjobs don't have to be mutual. I am under the impression that it doesn't count as "completing a base" unless both of you have done something.

******I'm sorry, but I just have to be blunt here. It's really easy to covertly slip your hands up a person's skirt/down hir pants. It's not so easy to gain enough access to the clit and vagina in order to, you know, lick. The Former can be done secretly and covertly in public...the other requires either really lax public indecency laws/privacy, and space to lay down. Obviously, a blow job can occur standing up, but the first requirement is still necessary.


*******Mainly, the fact that anal sex is genital-to-genital contact and requires as much, if not more, trust as PIV Sex. While on one hand, defining what "fucking" is, is something that should be decided on a case-by-case basis, I feel like the idea that a heterosexual couple must be having PIV sex in order to say that they are "having sex" is a very hetero-normative idea. A heterosexual couple could be having queered up sex. I find the idea "If a girl's vagina doesn't give her as much pleasure as her anus does, then she's not really going as far as she could go if she's not having vaginal intercourse" absolutely ridiculous, and also dangerous from a feminist/female standpoint.

Is Mr. Darcy Real? YA Fiction and Real Life Romance

Today's question comes via the FORMSPRING (PS: I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED THAT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY USING THIS BECAUSE IT IS WAY AWESOME AND MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL).

The question was submitted anonymously and is as follows:

How do you think romance/relationships in YA fiction influence real life ones?

Actually, I am very glad about this question because I have an extreme, love/hate relationship with YA romance novels.

Here's the deal: Heterosexual, girly, YA fiction is rarely accurate. I mean, think about it: how many girly YA books have you ever read where the girl's crush is totally legit and realistic?

Take "The Princess Diaries" by Meg Cabot, for example. I mean, I love Meg Cabot, and I love "The Princess Diaries," because, after all, they ARE well written (I mean, grammar-wise).

In the Princess Diaries, Mia falls in love with (and eventually loses her virginity to) Michael Moskovitz. And I mean, Michael is the ultimate fantasy dude. This goes far and beyond the normal romance novel hero. The normal romance novel hero has some sort of dark and mysterious past that makes them hard to live with or something. Michael Moskovitz has none of that. Michael Moskovitz is:

1. A senior (Mia is a freshman)
2. Totally hot (he lifts weights and thus, has a six pack and nice biceps)
3. A super genius (he eventually makes it to Columbia and then, as a freshman, manages to invent some sort of robotic super-surgery arm in Japan. WTF?)
4. Musical (starts a band and writes songs about Mia)
5. Actually a genuinely nice guy and likes Mia back immediately and arguably falls in love with Mia before Mia falls in love with him.
6. Generally popular--nobody messes with him.

I mean, I feel like you can have two, maybe three, of those characteristics in high school but not all the rest. Let's face it...Michael is a super-gorgeous genius athlete. I'm not trying to be down on the human race or anything, but how realistic is that, in terms of your first love/boyfriend? Not realistic AT ALL. Not to mention the fact that Michael is a senior in high school and is dating Mia, a freshman. I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes or gross generalizations, but there is A HUGE DIFFERENCE between a high school senior and a high school freshman. Honestly, I have talked to my guy friends about this, and they all agree: dating a freshman girl is sort of embarrassing, unless you are clearly doing it for the easy sex, in which case, it is still embarrassing, just more douche-y.

High school is about cliques. I mean, MTV has created an ENTIRE SHOW about cliques and the general suckage that results from said cliques.* I mean, sure, there is the occasional really awesome, non-clique school filled with excellent people and absolutely NO drama...but let's face it, how typical is that? High school cliques are important in this discussion because transcending clique lines is something damn near impossible. In high school, your friends are all the people you hang out with--the people on your team, in your play, in your advanced classes, in your not-so-advanced-classes. Even if you participate in the Spring Musical AND are on the varsity soccer team, you're probably going to be much closer to one group than the other.

That being said, yes, it is damn near impossible to find a Michael Moskovitz. And also, what would a mature, wonderful guy like Michael Moskovitz experience if he was dating a freshman? Absolute public humiliation. I'm trying to be real here, and maybe my high school experience was much rougher than the norm--but if a senior guy was in such a chaste relationship** with a freshman girl, people would ask questions. Most of these questions would start with the phrase "WTF?" and end with "is he gay????"

I'm trying to be real here.

Also, a lot of these books are all about how it's perfectly normal to be a social pariah, especially if you are surprisingly tall and thin and no acne and maybe glasses to make you ugly. This is just BS. Take any girl in any well-established teen romance*** is an outsider who magically undergoes a massive makeover, dons a beautiful gown, and becomes really, REALLY hot.

You know why? Because girls with clear skin and tall, willowy frames will always be hot. Unless you have major dental issues or maybe hair that leaves a TON to be desired****, if you are built like a model with dewy, fair skin...you're not going to be considered an ugly social pariah.

So yes, YA fiction has a lot to be desired, in terms of heterosexual relationships. I mean, Twilight features a girl who falls in love with a boy that...well...appears in her bedroom and says "I love watching you sleep and also I am dangerous." And ok, maybe not in those exact words, but just as a nice PSA to all the young girls out there:

IF A BOY THAT IS NOT YOUR LONG-TERM BOYFRIEND AND/OR BEST FRIEND MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS IN YOUR ROOM AND SAYS "I LIKE WATCHING YOU SLEEP AND ALSO YOU SMELL LIKE DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS FOOD TO ME," DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. SIMPLY PICK UP YOUR CELL PHONE AND DIAL 911, BECAUSE THIS BOY IS NOT EDWARD CULLEN; THIS BOY IS PROBABLY MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND YOU ARE IN PHYSICAL DANGER.

Ahem.

I think YA fiction has a lot of the same effect that porn has in terms of romance and sex: it gives unrealistic expectations to reality and people end up getting disappointed.

That being said, I LOVE queer YA romance. From what I've read (and actually, I've read a lot because my school is fantastic and has a GREAT queer YA section in the library), queer YA fiction deals more with the realistic downfalls of romance*****. This is because queer YA romance fiction exists to basically be like, "You are not alone and these are terrible emotional and physical issues that every queer person has to go through" instead of heterosexual romance YA fiction, which basically exists to be like, "I am gratuitous and isn't it lovely to experience rainbows and unicorns vicariously?"

And here's the thing: queer YA romance books can TOTALLY be applied to EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP, EVEN HETEROSEXUAL ONES. Why? Because there is always that boy/girl you shouldn't date, because of your friends, or your family. There is always that magical first love that you find yourself in, that completely takes over every aspect of your life. There is ALWAYS some reason to break up that you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER.

In real life, young love is traumatic. It's exhausting. It involves way more people than just the people in the relationship. And, quite frankly, you're not going to find realistic trauma in "The Princess Diaries."******

So, go ahead, and read those deliciously gratuitous books about Princesses and Perfect Boys and Oh-So-Misunderstood-Outcasts. I mean, they're fun.

What you SHOULDN'T do, is expect for that fiction to be applicable and true to life.

Sorry for the rant...but I hope that helps! Thank you SO MUCH for one of the most interesting questions I've had :)

And remember folks, JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!"

xoxo,
Risk(Y)

PS: Don't forget, the nerdfighter thread is STILL active, and the formspring box is to your upper right! Also, I LOVE comments!
~R


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*Or, if you want another, non-trash-life example, check out the movie "Mean Girls."

**I mean, they basically just make out until they actually have sex. Mia becomes convinced that you have to "Jane Eyre" a boy to make him stay. Basically, they go from maybe a little like boob action to going all the way, magically, on the night of her senior prom, after NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR LIKE TWO YEARS WHILE HE WAS IN JAPAN. HOW is this accurate?????

***Mia Thermopolis, Bella from Twilight, Hermione from HP and the Goblet of Fire, Ginny Weasley in like, every HP book after 4, that girl from "Geek High" who even states, (and I'm quoting directly here from the ebook version): "It's because of those propaganda films that every smart but plain girl secretly believes that
one day she'll shake out her hair and the hot guy in school will
suddenly see her for the beauty she really is.
But I don't wear my hair up, or have glasses. And my clothes are pretty
much the same ones from the Gap that everyone else at school wears.
And so far, no one's ever confused me with Lindsay Lohan." (pg 45, and written by Piper Banks).

****And, I mean, even Hermione magically gets THOSE issues fixed (like, literally. She uses magic and BOOM. She's hot and Ron is all like "WTF VIKTOR KRUM????")

*****Namely, how will your friends react? Your parents? Will it last, or will you be throwing away a ton of filial ties for nothing? Don't believe me? Read "Keeping You A Secret."

******Well, ok, maybe marginally, sometimes a boy will try to get close to you by sleeping with your best friend, and then your best friend will stop being your best friend because she was in love with him and he took her virginity and lied about why he broke up with her just so he could get back to you, but you are probably not an object of desire because you are, in fact, the model-like princess of Genovia, and he is probably not the ruggedly handsome son of a Hollywood producer. Also, you may be incredibly depressed over your first true love leaving for another country because he thinks school is really important and he wants to change the world and be "worthy of you," but that boyfriend will probably not be a super-genius developing a surgical arm in Japan and your "worthiness" will probably not be determined by the gross domestic product of a small European enclave.

sorry for the unannounced hiatus...

hey gang,

I'm in the process of moving back to campus. Posting is going to be somewhat limited this week, due to my severe lack of time and also my need to rearrange my schedule. Love you lots, expect regular posts to be back next week.

xoxo,

Risk(y)

Walking the Walk and Talking the Talk

This post is going up a bit early (yay!) because I need to pack up my laptop to bring it back to campus and I DON'T want to wait until midnight to do so.

Anyways, today's question comes from Kenny(TKO) via the nerdfighter thread.

Kenny asks:

Recently I have felt the desire to be in a romantic relationship with someone, but no clear feeling on who that person would be. Previously in my life I would develop a crush on someone before feeling any need to be in a romantic relationship. There are a few people to whom I am attracted, but I am having trouble discerning if my attraction is more for them or the idea of a relationship with them, especially since I don't know them very well. Since I believe dating someone just to be dating someone does them a great disservice, this is an important distinction and I would welcome any input you have, but my specific question is, would asking someone on a date be an appropriate method to get to know them better and try to resolve this indecision, or does a date imply a level of surety or commitment greater than that which I profess to possess? I realize that what a date does or does not imply differs from person to person, but I thought I'd ask your opinion...*

So I think this question has two parts.

Part 1: I want to be in a relationship, but I don't know who I want to be in a relationship with. Is that ok? And how do I fix things?

I mean, yes, this is OK. I don't hold with the ideal that you need to be head-over-heels, stray-puppy-trailing-a-cute-little-kid in love with someone in order to be ready to be in a relationship. Most people actually go about dating by just checking random people out. And all the better if you have friends that you might be interested in. Just make sure that your "targets" are not being targeted just because they like you and you're like "What the hell" (see the previous post). Anyways, yes, dating around is perfectly acceptable and not being sure about the next beau is totally normally and fine and whatever. Let's move on.

Part 2: Dating implies what, again? And how do I go about doing that honestly?


So yes, "dating" can mean a TON of different things. Honestly, there is almost no real way to guarantee the person you're asking out will be perfectly clear as to what you mean, unless you're really clear about it. That being said, no, you shouldn't just be like, "I'm not sure if I'm attracted to you, or if I just want to be in a relationship with someone. Let's have coffee?" Because that sounds creepy and gross.

In defining what type of date you're going on, you have three different factors. They are:

1. The Talk: Have you guys discussed recently whether or not you want to be completely committed to each other?

2. Prior Interactions: How long have you guys known each other? Have you been friends for a really long time, or have you just met each other?

3. Physical History: Have you guys "hooked up" in an sort of way in the past? Meaning, have you guys kissed? Cuddling is a sort of grey area. Anything more than cuddling is definitely NOT. I'm not talking if you guys have held hands or anything...I'm talking, "have you guys maybe exchanged bodily fluids in any capacity?"**

Now, out of all these factors, The Talk is the real keystone of the whole deal. Knowing someone or not knowing someone are sort of moot--I have had friends that I've known forever and hooked up with, but most certainly didn't want to date, and I'd only technically known my current boyfriend for about two weeks before we actually were like "I really like you. Let's do this." Physical History and Prior Interactions are very fluid and depend on situational context. The Talk, however, is the culmination of each situation. The Talk must contain at least three things, which are:

1. How do you feel about hir?
2. How does hir feel about you?
3. What are you two going to do about it?

After you have the Talk, either you are in some sort of relationship, or you're not. If you're not, then that means you two don't want to be in a relationship or really see each other romantically. In which case, no, you shouldn't ask this person out on a date in any sort of way.

If you have had the Talk and have decided that you two want to be in a relationship, then date at will and date often, because that's what being in a relationship is all about: spending time with each other.

That being said, if you HAVEN'T had the Talk then everything else is really up in the air.

You have four combinations:
1. You have been friends for a really long time AND you've hooked up with each other:

Dude, seriously, that is just a recipe for drama. You need to get your shit together and discuss things. I'm sorry, no further options until you guys have the Talk. Or did you WANT to continue ignoring the enormous pink elephant in the corner every time you see one of your good friends?

2. You haven't really been friends for that long, and you've hooked up with each other.
Date is possible, but if you ask this person out on a date, the implication is that you really enjoyed hooking up with hir, and you definitely want to see if this could be a regularly occurring thing. If you don't want to imply that you're 60% sure or more that you want to be in a relationship with this person, I suggest a "date" that involves other people***, or do something casual during the day.**** If you DO want to imply that you want to be in a relationship with this person, then nix the other people and go out at night. There is a HUGE difference between going out to dinner with each other and going out to lunch.

3. You've been friends for a really long time and you haven't hooked up with each other.
This is tricky, because in order to make it clear that you want this to be a date, and not just some chill "hanging out," you need to mention the phrase "going out" and "date." Thing is, if you've been friends for a really long time, it's REALLY hard to just be "casually dating." You need to have The Talk before you proceed further. I'm sorry. I know, I know, it's a serious step and you're not sure if you want to take it, but if you don't, you'll end up being in a really awkward place that has all sorts of questions popping up all the time.

4. You haven't really been friends for a long time, and you haven't hooked up with each other.
In this case, it's perfectly OK for the person to take the "date" as just "chill hanging out" right? Especially since you're not sure if you want to date this person? So go for something more ambiguous on purpose...coffee is your best bet. Hang out, one on one, and if ze asks you, "So is this a date?" you can say, "Yeah, sure...I really just want to get to know you better." That solves all your problems and leaves the door open for possibilities :)

I hope this helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: Leave questions/comments in the um...comments, and don't forget...the nerdfighter thread is STILL active, and if you don't want to register for the forums, I have a formspring box to the upper right :)



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*For the sake of clarity, I have cut a bit of this question. Kenny said it was ok, and generally, I don't do it unless I get permission.

**Not to discount hand-holding in certain situations (and if there was prolonged hand-holding coupled with meaningful glances, that's sort of extreme and more "hookup" than "nothing"), but really, when you get down to it, you can hold hands with a friend and be cute. You can't make out with a friend and then just be like, "oh, we really aren't sexually attracted to each other at all."

***Because yes, going out with a group of friends as a couple can be a "date" at this point. "Dates" only have to be the two of you once you guys are actually in a relationship. And group activities can include going to the movies, putt-putt golf, going out to a club, etc...any situation where there's a huge group, but you can also pair off quietly at any point in time.

****Examples: ice cream, lunch somewhere casual, coffee. But be careful with coffee, because people have their own ideas as to what that means.

When NOT to Date

Since I don't have any questions coming in, I'm just going to resort to a topic that I've been thinking about for quite some time. This isn't a Top Ten list, because I can't really decide which of these is the worst and which is the not-as-worst, so I'm going to leave the ordering up to all my readers :)

TEN SCENARIOS THAT INDICATE YOU SHOULD NOT DATE SOMEONE
(a list compiled by Risk(y)Business)

SCENARIO 1: The person in question likes you, but you don't like them. You just want to date someone, so you figure "what the hell?"
Ahem. "What the hell" is NOT an acceptable reason to start dating someone...especially if you ACTUALLY HAVE NO SORT OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR HIR. Seriously, this is bitchy and cruel and you might as well hurt hir by saying, "No thanks," because you're going to hurt hir a HELL OF A LOT MORE once you realize you find kissing intolerable and you don't want hir to meet any of your friends.

SCENARIO 2: Some bitch you hate is dating somebody that ze really loves. You want to destroy this bitch, so you go out and steal hir significant other and/or crush.
I mean, unless you actually REALLY LIKE hir significant other, and hir significant other is way into you, and this is JUST ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU, AND YOU ARE IN FAIRY TALE TRUE LOVE AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BITCH...you shouldn't do it. Just...don't. Are you TRYING to make everyone's life miserable?

SCENARIO 3: You want to piss your parents off because you find them over-bearing and over-protecttive.

This is the stuff that Lifetime movies are made of. Do you want your life to resemble a lifetime movie? No. No, you don't. Just be mature, and think of some other way to make your opinions clear to your parents...you know, like maybe TALKING to them????

SCENARIO 4: You find yourself maybe a little on the social outskirts of things, and you want to figure out a way to bring yourself into the public eye.
Also known as the "Glee," this move is generally pretty horrible in a couple of ways. Reason 1: You don't actually like this person for hir own merits, but for hir's superficial value. Reason 2: You will probably get humiliated and shot down, because life is not an eighties teen movie. Which brings us to Scenario 5:

SCENARIO 5: You want to humiliate some poor soul that "nobody in their right mind would actually date."
This somehow always involves a "bet." What are you, some kind of old-fashioned, eighties throwback douche? Seriously. But, this also leads us to scenario 6:

SCENARIO 6: You "feel sorry" for a person, because ze is generally unloved and miserable and has a crap life, and the least you could do is maybe show hir around romantically?
Dating someone out of charity is like donating your used thongs to a thrift store: Maybe your motivation is good, but there are some things that shouldn't be experienced through charity. Seriously. Being nice is one thing; opening up your legs just because you feel bad is a step in the direction of bad life decisions.

SCENARIO 7: You got really drunk and think you had fun last night, and this person who keeps calling you SEEMS ok...
General good rule of thumb: If you don't remember meeting a person, you shouldn't agree to go somewhere private with hir. This is sketch on so many levels, I just can't even begin to start. I will, however, end with the phrase, "myspace creeper sex pedophile."

SCENARIO 8: You really want to get with someone, but can't, so you try to go through hir's best friend.
You may scoff and say, "I would NEVER do that!" but let's face it--the first person people generally go to, to get information about someone? The best friend. If you keep on neurotically going up to this best friend and being like, "so talk to me about stuff and HOW ABOUT THAT BEST FRIEND OF YOURS?" It's going to seem weird and creepy and then you will have to cover it with something like, "I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS JUST SEEM INTERESTING *WINK WINK*" which will PROBABLY BE MISCONSTRUED AS, "I WANT TO GET INTO YOUR SEXY PANTS." And the snowball effect continues. Next thing you know, you're in a long-term relationship with a person you don't actually like, and then the boy you wanted in the first place is giving the best man speech at your wedding. Ouch.

SCENARIO 9: Other people keep telling you that you would make a good couple with X.
Seriously, why are you letting other people run your dating life? The only people who should be making decisions about who you date are you and the person you're dating. This, of course, excludes abuse. If you are being called a "dirty whore bitch" in a way that is NOT meant to turn you on, or if your face currently resembles a badly graded paper (you know, red and black), then yes, your friends can stage an intervention. This is different from going along with your friends saying, "DATE HIR!"

SCENARIO 10: "Ze LOOKS nice..."
I have never understood the phrase "looking nice." How can you tell a person's personality by hir looks? I mean, yes, hotness is a factor, but DO NOT IMMEDIATELY START DATING a person just because ze's all cute and hot and indie and wears good clothes. You know who else was reasonably attractive with excellent clothes? THIS guy.

Tonight's post was all in fun, but with a hint of seriousness. I hope it helps!

And remember...JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!

XOXO,
Risk(y)

How to Get Rid of a Creeper: A Step By Step Guide

Today's question comes from ProudR/HrShipper (for a friend) via the nerdfighter thread

ProudR/HrShipper's friend asks:

There's this guy in my group of friends that obviously likes me a lot and he's just weird. Also, my boyfriend's getting kind of jealous and stressed out by the other guy, because even though I would never leave him for this creeper, I don't know how to make it clear that I don't want his attention without being mean. This guy is sort of sweet, but he's really not at all my type and plus I have a boyfriend. Last year he was just this sort of annoying guy who talked a lot about random stuff that I didn't really care about, but now he's that plus he's sweet on me. Help!

OK, while I am all for everybody finding their perfect someone, and equal opportunity love and all that, I also totally understand the trials and tribulations of receiving unwanted attention. As much fun as it is to be in a reciprocative relationship, it can be downright unnerving to be the recipient of affection that you definitely DO NOT return.

And of course, Risk(y) has a step-by-step Acronym just for you. This time, it's the S.H.I.E.L.D method :)

S.H.I.E.L.D. stands for:

1. Seek the company of others: Try not to be alone with this person. Being alone with a person in an intimate situation will often send the wrong message. I'm not just talking about not inviting them over for a study session in your bedroom*; I'm talking try not to sit at a table alone with hir, and try not to really seek this person out for any sort of one-on-one interactions**. This way, the person won't think that you're into them in any way, and a harmless activity can never be misconstrued as a (hopeful) date.

2. Hint widely about your disinterest: R/HrShipper's friend is really lucky because ze has a boyfriend already. This means, ze can simply talk about how happy ze is with hir boyfriend. Constantly. If you're not taken, but STILL don't want the attentions of this person, all you have to do is firmly place hir in the "friend" category. You know, like that episode of Buffy where Buffy basically says that Xander is "one of the girls"? Yeah, that. Make it abundantly clear that this person is a FRIEND, and no more.

3. Invent Excuses: OK, I am generally NOT a fan of lying--it's unhealthy if you're in a relationship. But sometimes, white lies are a necessary part of being tactful.*** Dealing with a friend that you don't like in THAT way requires a lot of tact that may be a sort of grey area when it comes to the truth. Sometimes, people have a hard time just taking "No" as an answer. When that happens, say things like "I'm really busy," or "I can't, I have something else to do," or "I agreed to do something with my other friend, X." Obviously, your first course of action should just be a "No, I'm sorry, but I'm not into you in that way," but if ze keeps on asking you out, a repetitive, "I'm really busy" can eradicate hope way more than a simple "No" can. But this is a last resort in terms of making your message clear.

4. Look around: Look around for other people that might be interested in this person. Wouldn't it be great if you set hir up with the significant other of hir's dreams? It would solve everybody's problems. I don't mean throw a disinterested friend at hir--I mean look and see if anyone is really interested in hir. Be observant.

5. Don't Panic: Don't panic. Really. This person is probably a logical, smart person inside--ze just doesn't realize that you're completely wrong for hir. Just approach the situation calmly, and I'm sure everything will work out. Don't freak out in any way--freaking out can lead to bad life decisions and verbal diarrhea****. Just be mature, and think things through. In the meantime, assure your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are completely DISINTERESTED in this person and relax! Everything will blow over soon :)

I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(Y)

PS: Remember, that formspring form to your upper right is for YOUR convenience! Use it!


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*but really, please don't do that either. "Study session in the bedroom" is really just a euphemism for an intense making out session. Come on, now.

**Examples include: study sessions, after school rehearsals/activities, group projects, exercising together, favors that require the help of just one other person (like moving something), catching rides to and from places, etc.

***For example, you should never tell your significant other's parents that they look fat or old. Even if they really DO look fat or old in some weird matching outfit, you are NOT to say so. You are supposed to say "oh, how cute of you two to wear matching pink bikinis!"

****For example, do NOT blurt out, "I really don't like you that way and I think you're not attractive at ALL." Tact, remember?

High School Never Really Ends

Sorry for the late update. I have actually JUST gotten home, and last night wasn't much better. Travelling in a car all day is one of those things that I will never get used to.

Anyways, today's question comes from Olivia, via the nerdfighter thread.

Olivia asks:

They say that most high school relationships don't last. Is that more because people change a lot between high school and adulthood so people they were suited for in high school didn't work so well with them later on, or is it more that similar numbers of college couples and post-college couples do/don't work out and we just focus on the high school numbers? I would think that it's a mixture of both, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. :)

OK, here's the deal with high school:

A lot of times, high school relationships are formed because you two are going to the same school, and any time people are thrown into a close-knit, extremely controlled environment, relationships tend to bloom where they wouldn't normally.* That being said, a lot of high school relationships are driven by convenience, as well as the extreme hormones high schoolers tend to feel.** So, of course, compatibility is often not something that is considered. As you get older, your reasoning in terms of getting into a relationship, and commitment, and hookups, well, I'm not saying that it gets BETTER, but I'm saying that it gets BIGGER. You think things through more once your hormones have stopped shouting "FALL IN LOVE AND PROCREATE WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE AND NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER."

That being said, I know of a few high school relationships that have lasted for MUCH longer than many college relationships. Some people just mature quicker.

I also don't think that going to college automatically grants you this maturity pass. I know a lot of people who go into college thinking "I will meet my soul mate here. That is only to be expected."

This, of course, is ridiculous. College kids are crazy. I mean, bad life decisions are definitely NOT limited to high school. Just because you're living away from home now does NOT mean that you are suddenly (and magically) more adult than you were three months ago.

In fact, there's a lot more hook up culture in college (especially within the female community) than people tend to really consider at first. Personally, I know of very few people who are married/engaged and are still in college. I DO know of a few, but they are a very small minority.

There's really no magical age that people's relationships start lasting. Whether or not you're ready to commit is something very relative and should be considered logically and rationally.***

And, what's more, there's no magical age barrier where people suddenly become commitment-able. For some, it never happens.

I'm not saying that if you're in high school, you can't commit. What I'm saying is that at such an early juncture in your life****, you can't possibly be able to predict what the next five years will hold for you. That, combined with hormones, and a whole bunch of OTHER factors*****, well, it means that with such a free-form future, how can you say "forever"?

Part of committing is definitely knowing that five years down the line, you guys will still love each other. And if you don't know where you're going to be, location and economically, five years from now, how can you even tell?

So that's that. Don't give up hope of finding true love...but don't give up hope if you don't.

I hope that helps!

And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(Y)

PS: formspring form to your upper right. Use it!

PPS: Or, you know, leave me a message in the nerdfighter thread
or in the comments below.


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*This explains the frequency of summer camp relationships, as well as the Bachelor. How the hell do people fall in love on the Bachelor? Answer: because they aren't really expected, or allowed, to talk to anyone else.

**This comment really isn't meant to be offensive. What I'm trying to say is that when you've just gone through puberty/are going through puberty, your hormones are a tidal wave of activity.

***For example, if bot of you are still living at home and completely dependent on your parents, do you guys actually want to be married? Where will you guys live? Also, you should be able to pay for your own engagement ring. That type of thing. Just think things through.

****Also, see: hormones footnote.

*****Sexual discovery, much? Sexuality is fluid. You might be queer. Who knows? You might be straight. Again, who knows?

A Heart Divided

Hey folks :) Sorry for yet ANOTHER late post. I'm hanging out with my sister and I stayed out a bit late last night. BUT, I'm here today, with my first real FORMSPRING question!

This question came in Anonymously (which is totally ok, actually. I don't mind, as long as you ask me something!):

I have feelings for multiple people at one time. Not strong feelings, just the inclination to spend more time with them in a romantic way. Is this common? Does having feelings for more than one person make my feelings for any one individual less sincere?

This is a LOVELY question. Let's take it apart, shall we?

Part 1: Is being interested in multiple people at the same time common?

Well, yes. I mean, having to choose between two (or more) lovers is one of those romantic tropes that seems to have been around for EVER. People tend to have a list in their heads about what they like and what they don't like; it's only natural that OTHER people would have the same combination of traits.

Now, liking a whole bunch of people in a romantic/sexual way is perfectly fine, as long as you don't commit to multiple people without the consent of said multiple people*. Crushing on multiple people is harmless and natural. And, quite frankly, fun.

2. Does this make my attractions less meaningful?

Nope, not at all. Basically, being open and receptive is the first stage in getting into a successful relationship. You wouldn't want to commit immediately to an interesting person you met at a bar. Same thing with multiple crushes: Crushes are just feeling things out. You should go into every new friendship with a completely open mind and heart**. If things deepen, good for you. If you sort of realize it was a temporary thing caused by the fact that your friends are gorgeous***, then that's fine too.

What you SHOULDN'T worry about:



You SHOULDN'T worry about terms like "slut" or "whore" or "desperate" or "flighty." People who use these words as insults**** are just over-compensating for something. You should feel free do act or think however you want, and expressing your sexuality can take on many forms.

That being said, be careful who you confide in. Sure, your real friends won't judge you, and only bitches will really spread harmful gossip around*****, but you really just want to be careful. While gossip is generally not accurate, it can still affect your life in malicious ways. Gossip is just a form of bullying, and like any sort of self-defense, you have to be proactive in terms of preventing it from happening.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: Don't forget about the formspring box (to the upper right of this post!) and the nerdfighter thread!

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*What I'm trying to say is that unless you are part of a consensual love triangle, and all parties know and are OK with it, don't go seriously dating more than one person at a time.

**That being said, you should NOT befriend someone with the SOLE INTENT of getting into hir pants. This is generally considered douche-y.

***And yes, it is TOTALLY possible to be friends with someone you think is physically attractive. JUST FRIENDS IS TOTALLY A POSSIBLE THING.

****And yes, I do think that it is possible to reclaim words like "slut" into something casually complimentary. I mean, "fag" and "queer" have been totally reclaimed by the LGBTQA community.

*****Example: "Omg! X is SUCH a SLUT! SHE'S TOTALLY HITTING ON ALL OF THESE GUYS AT ONCE!"

Shy? If so...so what?

Helllooooooo folks :)

Today's question comes from Timothy, via the nerdfighter thread

Timothy asks:

What do I do about being shy? (Even with girl friends)

Now, I'm assuming that Timothy meant "girls that are friends" as well as "girlfriends" so I'm going to answer this question on both accounts.

Now, with relationships (if you are a heterosexual boy), there are three types of girls*:

1. Girls-that-are-friends

2. Girls-that-are-friends-that-could-be-romantic

3. Girlfriends

The thing is, you really shouldn't be scared of talking to a person just because ze is of the gender that you are sexually attracted to. This is because people are people, and if you want to get to know a person because ze looks interesting, well, ze probably also considers you interesting as well. Everybody is always way too scared to make that first, initial, sometimes awkward move of: "Hi, how are you? My name is X, and I find you awesome."

I mean, breaking the ice is a hard task, but if you don't do it, it might never happen. And you might be stuck regretting it for the rest of your life.

This ideology, of taking the plunge in case you might regret something, should be applied to each of the three situations.

In case 1, why wouldn't you want to go up and talk to a person you find interesting? Shyness in that situation is generally because you don't want to seem like a creeper, and you don't want to get shot down. These are two situations that, while having some merit, are probably grossly exaggerated in your head. If you have observed this person enough so that you are interested in having hir as a friend, you are probably well within the Non-creepy zone. See, the zones look like this:



Now, if you are so into a girl that you are willing to break the ice with her, EVEN IF YOU ARE SHY, then you are probably in the "totally legit" section. Basically, "totally legit" means you have reason to believe you and her would get along swimmingly, and not because of some weird, idealized, "I Love You Beth Cooper" mojo**. I mean, you have obvious common interests and a legit reason for hanging around her so much***

So go up to her. Seriously, what's the worse that can happen? People that seem like cool people are generally upfront mean. She'll probably be way interested in you too.

Now, in the case of 2, that's also easy. Take the plunge. I've said it before, I'll say it again--if a person is really your friend, and you guys are definitely cool with each other, one date is not going to ruin the relationship.

Now, in terms of girlfriends--well, if a person is dating you, then you really shouldn't be shy around hir. You should be able to be open around your significant other, NO MATTER WHAT. Seriously. If you can't be open with hir, then why are you guys dating?

Anyways, Timothy, I hope that helps.

And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,

Risk(y)

PS: Formspring form to your upper right! Please ask me questions there, or the nerdfighter thread, or even in the comments, below!

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*This list, of course, excludes girls that are related to you, as this is a dating blog, and you really shouldn't date your relatives...as this is just asking for federal prosecution, and/or genetic diseases like hemophilia.

**Seriously, that movie was really weird and creepy in parts and definitely, the main dude is in the definite, red creeper area.

***IE, classes, school, a job, or just some place you started going to a lot before you found out she went there too.

Sorry, folks...

No real post tonight, as I am with the family on another mini-vacation and my mother is quite strident about the use of electronics during "family time." So go out tonight, have a ball, ask that special someone out for a magical night on the town...you've earned it. I hope you all the very best, romantically awesome weekend! Watch for a post tomorrow :)

And remember, the formspring to your right is for any questions you might have!

Jump those railroads!

Xoxo,
Risk(y)

So are the queers, you know...queer?

Note: I am in the middle of a tremendous thunderstorm at the moment and my power has been flickering on and off for the past six hours. Should there be more typos than normal, know that this is because I'm typing like the wind to ensure that I don't lose power before I'm done and my wireless doesn't conk out on me.

Today's question actually comes from the comments, and it comes from elfarmy17, aka Olivia. She asks:

This question doesn't apply to me at all, but how are guy/guy, guy/girl, and girl/girl relationships mentally/emotionally different from each other? Or are they all mostly the same?

Actually, I tend to get this question a lot. I think this is because Western Culture in general tends to assume that being gay is just so weird, and that genders are so different, that a queer relationship is inherently different in its actions.

Now, don't get me wrong--each type of relationship comes with its own stereotypes and jokes*, ultimately, stereotypes and generalizations are dangerous things to assume. I mean, if you take a look at straight relationships, the power dynamics and sexual politics of each couple**, the variations are so extreme that that image we have of the straight, vanilla, boy and girl couple with all of its attached drama*** is actually a really rare, completely erroneous social construction.

That being said, the only real difference between a "typical" straight couple and a "typical queer" couple is that queer couples are not made up of a man and a woman.

Other than the dynamics that go with that****, there really isn't much difference. Western Culture tends to assume that being queer is such a big deal that you really have to know (that is, be sexually experienced in a queer way) before you can actually confirm your queerness, and your sexual self-discovery is this huge, big epic ordeal starting with making your Barbies or GI Joes make out and ending with a tumultuous surprise affair with your best friend in high school.*****

I mean, other than the initial putting two-and-two together of "Oh, I must be queer"******, there's not a whole lot of difference between a typical queer teen coming-of-age and a straight coming-of-age. The elements are virtually identical: scenarios involving two young people pledging to be in love forever, shock at how fun kissing can be, shock at how good another person can make you feel, eventual parental disapproval*******. More often than not, "knowing" you're queer has nothing to do with kissing another girl or boy for the first time; it generally comes, (like most straight kids and the sudden denunciation of "cooties), when you get your first crush. You just go on from there.

Ultimately, love is love. People are different, no matter what. The uniqueness of peoples' personalities, and the immutable force of Love basically both ensure one thing:

Every relationship will be different, so you really can't group things based on factors that Society has somehow constructed.

I hope that helps. And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(Y)

PS: Keep those formspring questions coming! Also, don't forget the nerdfighter thread!




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*Personal favorite: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Answer: A Moving Van.

**Or Moresome, if you are assuming that being in a love triangle (a consensual one involving everyone loving everyone) can actually be straight and heterosexual in nature (which is can be)

***Examples: Girls want to get married, boys do not; Boys pressure girls to have sex, not the other way around, and certainly girls are never willing to have sex at all; boys forget important dates etc etc etc...

****Honestly, the only really big one is for gay guys, and that is the question of "are you a top or bottom?" and even then, that gets made into a much bigger deal than it really is. Also, there are also false social stereotypes associated with being a top and being a bottom.

*****I am so serious. Why does every queer person in pop culture have some weird childhood doll thing, and then an intense relationship with hir best friend? Does not compute. I mean, are there really THAT MANY best friend high school queers? Because if so, my queer friends and I (with one exception) got TOTALLY shafted.

******And really, sometimes this takes a while. Looking back, I was really gay in elementary school, and my best friends totally sensed it. I became a social pariah in FIFTH GRADE because I was "too weird and liked to hang out with them way too much and it was weird." Also, sadly, yes, I made my Barbie dolls make out, but this was because my mother refused to buy me and my sister a Ken Doll.

*******Honestly, I got more shit from my parents over the BOYS I was dating than some of my queer friends did over dating another boy/girl. While there ARE parents that overreact, there are also parents that are totally chill, and even happy, that their child is queer. I suspect there were times when my parents almost wished I was dating a girl, if only to avoid a reputation as an "easy girl" and also, getting pregnant.

Cheating and Confessions

OK, I realize I'm posting twice in one day, and I'm also not going with the already-established order of questions, but this question was given to me late last night and I think it's probably one of the most important that I've ever received.

Today's question comes from Lindsey, via the nerdfighter ning

This is Lindsey's question:

I cheated on my boyfriend. I seriously regret it, and I know I will never do it again. We've had an otherwise perfect relationship for a year. I cheated on him back before we'd even dated for a month. I didn't tell him then because I was terrified of losing him. Now I think if I told him, he'd be sad and disappointed, but eventually forgive me and give me a second chance. Given that, should I tell him? I honestly don't want to. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to be hurt. I feel selfish and dishonest, but what good would honesty do in this situation?

Now, here's the thing:

Honesty, after physical and emotional attraction, is the MOST IMPORTANT THING TO A RELATIONSHIP.

The hierarchy goes something like this.

1. Emotional/Physical Attraction

2. Honesty

3. Time

4. Distance

5. Pet Peeves

Here's the thing--if you guys are REALLY in the perfect relationship, he will forgive you. If you aren't, then tell him anyways, because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Basically, if you don't tell him, you're going to be festering away for the rest of the time you date him. Eventually, it will explode. And what will you do? Fifty years later, are you really going to be able to tell him "I cheated on you, but I've loved you and felt guilty ever since?" No. That is ridiculous.*

OK, so you should have told him when it first happened. Even if you're afraid of losing someone, cheating is a general indicator of two things:

1. You're not over someone else, and you might like that someone else more than you like your significant other

2. You DO like your significant other, you're just not that ready to be in a relationship.

Since there haven't been any other incidents, I'm willing to bet that you were just having last minute jitters about the relationship. Or maybe you just made a series of bad life decisions. Either way, you didn't tell him and you really love him and now you guys are in the "perfect relationship." So that means that he'll understand you completely...you even think he'll forgive you.

So what are you waiting for?

Here's the thing:

I've cheated, and I've been cheated on. Coming from both points of view, I can honestly say that you ought to tell your significant other if you cheated. A lot of times, it was just a dumb, spur of the moment decision that really won't affect anything else. And that's fine...sometimes, people just lose control.

Also, maybe he won't even care about it. Maybe you've just built it up into this huge, big THING in your head. Festering does that. It expands problems.

I really cannot stress ENOUGH how much you have to tell your boyfriend about what happened. Part of loving someone is being brave and always telling hir the truth, even in the face of maybe losing hir love.

You sound pretty sure that things will work out. And that's great. It means you're confident in your relationship's security. What you ALSO have to be confident in is the relationship's honesty. I hope things DO work out between you, and even if they don't, then be confident in knowing that you did the right thing, and the loving thing. Sure, if he will probably be upset and hurt...

...but just imagine how awful it would be if he found out, just not from you?

You need to make sure that the news comes from you. Otherwise, your relationship will NEVER recover.

And do it as soon as possible!

I hope things work out! I really do!

And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: Questions can now be posted in the formspring box, to your right! -->



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*I mean, have you seen "Valentine's Day?" Shirley McLaine's little confession scene? That was ridiculous.

More Administrative Shindigs...

Hey gang!

No, this is not an update. This is a notification :)

I have recently obtained a formspring. This means that you DON'T have to go to the nerdfighter ning to ask me questions! Also, you don't have to go anywhere--you can simply type in a question into the formspring box located on the right of this page.

( that way --> )

Also, I may actually be posting tonight. I know, I hate double posting but I recently got an extremely interesting/slightly urgent question on the ning and I really want to answer that ASAP. That means maybe screwing slightly with the schedule that I had planned (sigh, sorry about that), but it also means that someone is getting hir answer quickly and efficiently.

And really, isn't that what advice blogs are all about?

Anyways, I hope you guys are having a fun summer! Mine ends in less than three weeks...I can't BELIEVE how fast time has flown...

Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(Y)

PS: 1000 hits? Holy crap, that's AMAZING!

3 Words, 8 Letters...Your Move?

Today's question comes from Parade, via the nerdfighter thread. Actually, I'm really embarrassed that I haven't answered this earlier--it seems to have gotten lost in the huge amount of questions that got posted after it. That being said, if you HAVE asked me a question more than a week ago, and I HAVE NOT ANSWERED IT, please repost it, or else message me.

That being said, Parade's question was this:

Why is it the guy who usually says he loves you first? At least, that seems to happen just from my limited experience. Personally I think it's a little silly, especially when you're not even out of high school.

So, I think this question is a two parter.

Part 1: Why is it the "guy" who says I love you first?
Actually, it really isn't. I mean, taking the whole hetero-normative thing at a nix, right now,* I can honestly say that a lot of my (straight) girl friends have come to me, crying, because THEY said "I love you" to their boyfriends, and their boyfriend was like "uhm, ok?" I have also had an equal amount of girlfriends that are extremely happy because they said, "I love you" and their boyfriends reciprocated. All things being the way they are, the whole "I love you" thing is pretty equal among the genders.

I mean, it's hard, either way. With Western Society the way it is, there IS a lot of pressure for women to be, well, sexually un-compliant. The idea that women have to "save themselves," or at least, be pressured about sexual matters pervades EVERYTHING in the relationship. There are still taboos in place about asking boys out, paying for things, and initiating sexual encounters. This, of course, is bullshit. Even if we still lived in a society where women really couldn't be independent, female sexuality is just as strong of an urge as male sexuality. And vice versa--men do NOT have to be horn dog machines. Everyone is simply built differently, with averages among each of them. And while getting knocked up is a danger only to women, all the other risks of sexual activity ARE NOT. Quite frankly, women don't have to worry about prostate cancer. For everything women suffer, men suffer something as well. My point is, sex is fun, sex has risks, and if you really want to have sex, you need to weigh the risks and then decide what you want to do. BUT, if you are a girl, one of those risks SHOULD NOT be, "I am a slut if I want the sex. No man will ever want me again if I give away my virginity to someone else." That is just silly.

That being said, since girls are taught to be hesitant about giving ANYTHING away, the "I Love You" result is pretty mixed. On one hand, girls aren't really allowed to do ANYTHING first**, saying "I love you" first is like saying, "I would do anything for you." BUT, on the other hand, since girls are really not allowed to have sex just for the sake of sex, saying "I Love You" absolves them of "meaningless" and "just physical" relationships. Again, this is very stupid. If guys can have fun having one night stands, girls can too. I mean, a lot of my girl friends actually prefer having hookups instead of relationships. No shame in that--some people just really don't like the idea of settling down.

So I guess, to summarize: Boys don't have to say "I love you" first. In fact, boys don't have to do anything first. Go out, have fun, do whatever you want--provided you have taken care to minimize the risks.

Part 2: Is being in high school too young/too ridiculous to say "I Love You"?

Here's the way I feel about high school relationships:

In high school, a lot of people fall in love for the first time--whether or not you stay together isn't really the point. I mean, realistically speaking, yes, not a lot of high school sweethearts get married and stay married. But is that really the point of loving someone? You could be 40 and not stay together with a person, and STILL say "I love you," and then dump them three weeks later. This is somehow "more serious" than a high school couple dating for over a year, saying I love you, and then both people getting incredibly depressed over a huge, passionate fight and breaking up and having to go to therapy.

First love is brutal.

And yes, I believe it IS love. I mean, I dated a LOT in high school.*** And I fell in love with every single one of those boys (and quite a few girls that I couldn't date). Love is LOVE. It's in the moment, it's intense, and when it dies, you feel like shit--no matter how old you are. I know people who are SCARRED from their first relationships. It doesn't matter how old you are--the first person you say "I love you" to will always have some sort of hold over your heart. People tend to downplay young people in love as "puppy love," or "young love," like it's this wonderfully transient thing that ultimately won't really affect your future happiness. This is BULLSHIT. I mean, Romeo and Juliet--two thirteen-year-olds who lacked common sense, yes, but also permanently affected the diplomatic relationships between their two families, and oh, also killed themselves. How many kids each year attempt suicide, or commit suicide each year because of sexual-related insecurities?**** Being a teenager means being mentally unstable--hormones with screw with your mind. Add in being dumped by the first person you ever loved? Oh, man...it can suck.

So no, I don't think it's ridiculous for teenagers to say "I love you" to each other. Romeo and Juliet are fictional--but they're not necessarily atypical. Everyone feels that the first person they love is going to be the one they end up with for forever. And it's hard, really, with everyone telling you that the feelings you have are basically meaningless and transient. It makes it worse, really--knowing that the depression you're feeling isn't really warranted at all, that "there are other fish in the sea," and "you have to kiss a few frogs to get to a prince." Who wants to go fishing and kiss frogs?***** Nobody really wants to think about fish and frogs when they're in love for the first time.

I hope that clears things up! And remember folks, JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!

XOXO,
Risk(y)

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*Sorry, queer folks. This is a pretty straight-relationship-dynamics question. More on "I love you" and queer relationships later, ok?

**I am being facetious and sarcastic. Please note this and DO NOT take the sarcasm as my acceptance of matters.

***From grades 9 to 12, I think I had roughly 6 "official" boyfriends, and several other boys that I was "into," but then "couldn't work things out with." God, high school lingo was soooo complicated....

****Hint: It's a bigger number than those who die because of homicide.

*****Also: why are so many "lost love" metaphors nautically related?

Friendship vs. Dating: The Non-existent Line

Sorry about the late-ish post today, guys. I just ate dinner with my parents (and we had to catch it, as well).

Today's question comes from jedielf via the nerdfighter thread. Jedielf asks:

Do you think that the line between friendship and relationship is blurrier between nerds than between people who aren't?

Ok, here's the thing:

When I started this blog, I didn't necessarily start it with the assumption that nerdy dating is inherently different than "regular" dating. I was just starting it with the knowledge that I am a huge nerd, I am generally quite awesome with relationship advice, and there are some things that only a nerdy couple worry about. Most of the relationship advice I give is applicable in ANY situation. This is because people are people, and there really isn't much difference between how you approach a person you like, even if both of you are into Medieval Literature and astrophysics.

I think this is the most important thing I want to stress in my blog, actually: that just because you're labeled as a "nerd,"* does NOT mean that you are necessarily socially awkward or undesirable. I mean, nerd is the new chic sexy.** Sure, maybe a lot of self-described nerds are shy, and not as confident, but that's just because society has billed you guys that way. I'm a HUGE nerd.*** But I've discovered that being a nerd just means that I can be more confident in MORE areas than the average joe off the street. Being a nerd isn't about limiting yourself--it's about recognizing your potential as an intelligent, quirky individual. I mean, I was a huge athlete in high school****. I guess what I'm saying is that being a nerd should never do anything but broaden your horizons. Limiting yourself is just not fair--either to you or the world.

That being said, no, I don't think that the line between friends and "relationship" is blurred more for nerds. Actually, I think it's blurred for everyone. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people talk about "ruining the friendship by dating." I mean, let's look at this logically:

Note: I am studying for the LSATS right now, and thus, this portion of the blog will be in the format of parameter diagrams from the logic puzzles they use.


1. If you want to be in a successful relationship with someone, then you must share common interests:

i.e.: Successful Relationship --> Common Interests, but CI -/->^ SR

2. If you want to be in a successful relationship, then you must hang out with each other on a regular basis

i.e. SR --> hanging out, but "HO" -/-> SR

3. To be friends with someone, you MUST have Common Interests

i.e.: F -->CI, but CI -/-> Friendship

4. If you are friends with someone, then you hang out on a regular basis^^, and if you hang out on a regular basis, then you are probably friends.

i.e.: F <--> "HO"

That being said, it can be logically deduced that Friendship shares much of the same parameters of definition that being in a Relationship does. The line is blurred.

Face it: if you want to date someone, you probably should get to know them first. That means, you become friends first. Why would you EVER want to date someone you don't want to be friends with? People are like "well, I don't want to ruin the friendship." That's just bullshit. If you guys are really good friends, then the relationship WON'T ruin things; it'll make things better. Even if you break up, things WON'T be awkward.****** And you should ALWAYS be friends with the person you're dating. My mom always says that my dad is her best friend--and it's absolutely true. You have to be able to tell your significant other EVERYTHING, without fearing that ze will judge you or dump you.

That being said, it really IS unhealthy to date a friend that you're not willing to commit to fully. Always make sure both parties know the terms of the relationship*******. Always make sure nobody feels cheated out of something special. And always make sure that you don't do anything dumb********.

So there you have it: Nerds are people too, and people just need to get over the imaginary line between relationships and friendships. It's like that square/rectangle thing you learned in baby geometry. You know, how a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square? Well, a successful relationship stems from friendship, but friendship does not have to lead to romance.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: On the comments I have gotten:

Olivia: You're darling. I wish you luck! Also, your question in the comments WAS seen. I'll be getting to that not the next post, but the post after.

Zara: That is probably the best CAPTCHA code ever. I'm sure you ARE a sexy beast ;)





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*Or even if, like me, you wear that label proudly, like a pin on your trendy-messenger-bag-filled-with-class-notes

**How else do you explain the prevalence of sexy librarian/indie glasses in fashion? Or also, Harry Potter? I mean, not that Harry Potter is a look being paraded in Milan or anything, but black pleated skirts, glasses, and flow-y, robe-like clothing seem to be having a come back....

***I'm an English/Music double major at a school that has been rated as more masochistic than Harvard by the Princeton Review. My final recital is going to be a lecture recital on the expression of gender through classical music. I often text in haiku. I slam poetry on a regular basis, and I was an officer in the college's Sci-Fi Fantasy club. Do NOT mess with my nerdy geek street cred.

****I played year-round field hockey, and I ran track--grades 7 through 12. I even coached field hockey.

^I don't have time to upload pictures if I want to post this before midnight. Therefore, that really stupid looking broken arrow means "does not"

^^Bear in mind: "hanging out" is not limited to the physical sense of "being near each other," but can also mean chatting online, playing video games with each other, or talking on the phone. Basically, it means interacting with each other.

******I mean, things WILL be awkward for a little while, but if you guys are good enough friends, you'll get over it. True Story: two of my best guy friends in high school are boys that I was involved with. These were NOT healthy relationships, mainly because of extenuating circumstantial drama involving catty bitches and my complete cluelessness (at the time) as to what constituted "firting" and what didn't, but I'm still REALLY good friends with them. True friendship can last throughout ANYTHING. Even unfortunate incidents involving newspaper editorials, hospital visits, and song writing collaborations. Like I said, extenuating, circumstantial drama can fuck shit up.

******* And "relationship" means "if you two are emotionally involved with each other and also physically involved." Actually, strictly speaking, relationship just means "if you two care about each other in any way." So yeah, discuss the parameters. ALWAYS.

******** Dumb things include, but are not limited to: Sex-related drunk dials to a friend you ARE NOT dating while you are dating another friend, cheating, asking for an open relationship and then saying you don't want the other person to sleep with anyone else, judging/pushing boundaries in terms of sex, and just generally making a jackass of yourself.

Questions: How to straddle the fine line between creeper and interested friend

Today's question comes from ProudR/HrShipper via the nerdfighter thread

ProudR/HrShipper asks:

There's a guy who was in my math class who's cute and friendly. I'm not sure I'm "interested" in him, but I've thought about it. The thing is, I don't know how to ask a guy whether he's seeing anyone without seeming to be interested - because like I said, I'm not sure I want to ask him out. And I have several (not that close) guy friends who I would just like to know if they're seeing anyone, but again I don't know how to ask without them thinking I want to go out with them. How can I avoid being misunderstood?

Ah, yes: the perpetual dilemma: How do you ask about a person's life without sounding like a creeper?

I mean, I hate to sound like I'm endorsing a product too much, but Facebook is like, the ultimate source for information. While people may not have their relationship up, you can always check the wall and the photos. If ze has a ton of photos (recent ones) that show hir kissing someone, or, you know, captions like "they are SO CUTE TOGETHER!" then you know: ze is taken. Also, if ze's wall is covered with cute messages containing e-hearts and shit. E-hearts are the internet equivalent of marking one's territory...but the hearts HAVE to be plural. One e-heart is not that big of a deal. Multiple ones in the same post? Excessive punctuation? Yeah, the person is taken. Or, if not taken, about to be taken, and you really don't want to get into the middle of that.*


Now, if the person DOESN'T have a facebook, or has a ridiculously ambiguous profile, you have to dive in and ask. But when you do ask, remember:

[ONE]. Don't just start the conversation with "are you dating anyone?" unless you want the next sentence out of your mouth to be, "well, want to go out with me?" because otherwise, that sentence is just really random and, well, creepy.

[TWO]: Casually insinuate the topic of boyfriends/girlfriends. Like, if you see the person, and ze asks, "How are you?" you can be like "Oh, god. Last night was soooo stressful. My ex was being really bitchy," or something like that. Or, "it was cool, my sister/friend/brother was talking about their current boyfriend/girlfriend, etc." Be creative. You can do it. Twisting the truth about what happened last night ("I was on facebook because my friend wanted me to see pics of this boy she wants to date"), is perfectly fine. Just don't go so elaborate that you have no idea what you're talking about.

[THREE]: If you guys are just FRIENDS, then you can ask "so what's up with you?" and they will generally mention the girlfriend/boyfriend. I mean, I feel like you can just ASK people, "urrrgh, I don't want to date anyone right now because I'm just sick and tired of boys...what's up with your love life?" and generally people will automatically think, "this girl is not interested in me but wants to know about my life to maybe cheer her up."

[FOUR]: If you see ze talking to a boy/girl in an intimate, flirty way (or, any way at all, actually), then you can be like "hey, who was that cute boy/girl I saw you with earlier? Is that your boyfriend/girlfriend?" This is probably the safest tip. You can even make up a girl that you "thought you saw" hir talking to. If ze is clueless, and doesn't remember talking to someone, ze probably is single. If ze automatically says, "Who? *insert name*? Was I talking to her earlier?" or, "she's not my girlfriend, X is my girlfriend."

[FIVE]: If you guys are really chill and comfortable with each other, just be like "So, like, my friends and I were talking about what we were into in terms of boyfriends/girlfriends....and we were wondering what boys were into. What do you think? Like, what about you and your boyfriend/girlfriend?" and if ze is like, "Wait, I don't have a significant other," you can just be like "oh, sorry, I just for some reason thought you were dating someone." If ze is like "wait, why?" just say something like, "I don't know...most single people tend to give off this vibe of relationship desperation and you just seem so chill and relaxed most of the time." Then, if you don't think you're actually interested in this person, just list things that you like that you KNOW don't apply to hir.**

And most importantly:

TRY NOT TO ACT IN ANY WAY THAT MIGHT BE MISCONSTRUED AS "FLIRTING"

You know what I'm talking about. If you DON'T want a person to think that you like hir, then don't act like you want hir body. You know how I talked about the C.R.U.S.H. method for telling if a person likes you? Yeah, don't do any of that.

Anyways, I hope that helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*Note: While it is not technically stealing someone's significant other if the couple has not started dating yet, if the couple is in the "talking" phase, and if the two people have already gone on a date, and/or been flirting in a reciprocal sort of way, then it is generally considered bitch if you attempt to steal one or the other. I mean, when it gets to the point of almost, but not quite (AND is from both parties, mind you), be mindful of the entire situation. Now, if the person you're into isn't REALLY into the other person, or if the other person is generally acknowledged to be a bad person to date, by all means, go right ahead. Just use common sense. As my friend says, "If you don't think it's actually true love between you and this person, you are basically just being bitchy."

**Example: If ze dresses a certain way, mention something you like people to wear that ze DOESN'T wear. Etc. You know what I mean.

A Few Notes...

Hello, my lovelies!

No, no update today (since, you know, the pace is every other day), but I just wanted to say a few administrative things:

1. Thank you so much to people who have been leaving comments here and on the nerdfighter thread. Questions from that thread (and even in the comments!) are what keep this blog going. I used to have a backlog of questions, but I'm running out right now. If you want this blog to continue, please refer people here and/or ask me your own relationship questions. I solemnly swear that I will answer them. Special thanks to Zara and Lissa, because they've constantly commented on my blogs since they started following.

2. Follow me, if you haven't already! I love followers. It proves that people are actually reading :)

3. If my post doesn't quite clarify your question, for any reason, don't be afraid to leave me another question. Question chains also keep the blog going.

4. Also, if I assume something about you (I've tried to avoid that so far--if I need additional information, I WILL message you), please message me. I would hate to give you erroneous advice based on false information.

I love you guys so much! We're almost at 800 hits...that's amazing! I never thought my little blog would be read by so many wonderful people :)

Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

Budding Romance: Important phrases and dealing with friends

Today's question is a really interesting one, and it comes from Olivia via the nerdfighter thread.

Olivia asks:

So I have a friend, who I definitely like very, very much. Several people have assumed we're together, except we're not. He sort of brushes it off whenever anyone says anything about it. I haven't seen him since school ended, but we've emailed a lot and stuff. During first semester (I've only known him for a year), we'd walk from band to lunch together, and from English to Biology. Second semester, we sat next to each other at lunch (being a new semester, we were all unspokenly allowed to change our seating arrangements), and then went to band, and walked out to the buses together.
I read your post on "how to know if ze likes you," but it didn't help much. I exhibit a lot of the things you mentioned. But with him, it's very ambiguous. So is he just even shyer than I am? Or what? Like, I'd mention how the next book in a series we both love was coming out and say "oh, you should come over to B&N with me," and he had to go work on his Geometry project. So is that just being responsible? Or avoiding the situation? Or what?
One of my friends is convinced we should get married. Apparently it's that blatantly obvious to her. But she's the only one I told I like him, so maybe she's viewing it through tinted glasses.
Help, please. :)

When it comes to relationships, one of the biggest problems that people tend to have is over-analyzing the situation. It's just something that everybody does--when you really care about someone, you're driven crazy if you don't know EXACTLY how that someone feels about you.

That being said, I think that's EXACTLY what this situation is about.

This guy sounds like a really chill dude.* Just because he "brushes comments off" when people make comments about how you guys could be a couple doesn't mean that he isn't interested in you at all. If he wasn't, the reaction would probably be more like "What the hell? No way. That is so weird." Plus, he probably would have at least said something along the lines of "how could they even think that?" or "you're like, my best friend." If the subject hasn't come up between you two, bring it up ASAP. Gauge his reaction. If it's more like "yeah, that's funny" or "whatever, who cares what people think," he's probably more interested in you than he's letting on. If it's one of the previous two statements, he's probably relegated you to the "friend" category and you're going to have a hard time getting out of it.

If you want to get this boy, you HAVE to be more overt than you have been. A lot of people don't actually realize they're being asked out.** Your friend probably thought it was just a "oh, we should just go hang out at Barnes and Nobles" thing, instead of a "omg, quasi-date!" thing. Be clearer. As in, preface "let's go to Barnes and Nobles," with:
"we should go out together sometime."

This ONE SENTENCE is VITALLY IMPORTANT. That ONE SENTENCE will ALWAYS PROMPT the response,

"what, like a date?"


Then, you can clarify. "Yeah, like a date. What do you think?" Honestly, he was probably thinking, "oh, that would be fun, but I have a Geometry project." I'm assuming you guys are nerds, since you're writing to me. And, I mean, when people have pressing obligations on their minds, they tend to focus on that obligation.***

So, moral of the story: You have to be overt to make sure that people know exactly what you're asking for. Otherwise, your crush is just never going to know how you feel, because ze is probably doing the second guessing that YOU'RE doing.

Now, the last part: your friend. Having a best friend that says "oh, you two are going to get married" is a staple of any beginning crush.**** I mean, it's sort of the best friend's job to be like, "yes, you two are made for each other." That's just the way you egg a friend on to take that scary, first step. I would say that yes, your best friend is biased, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go for it. Just don't go for it because your friends put you up to it. Make sure you really want to ask this guy out because you like him a lot. Also, make sure your friend doesn't get aggressive with hints or anything. What happened to me a lot in high school was that my best friend(s) would basically tell a guy that I liked him WITHOUT ME KNOWING. This made things incredibly awkward, and just not cool. Make sure your friend knows that you're thinking about asking him out, and also make sure she doesn't act any differently or try to set you up. Being set up in this situation would be HELLACIOUSLY awkward. You want to be in control of the entire situation, and you want to be the one to ask him out because you want to be able to gauge his reaction yourself.

That being said, I wish you luck! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*Chill Dude (n.): a guy that is really low key and, well, "chill" about everything. A chill dude goes with the flow. A chill dude does not let the regular annoyances of daily life get him down. A chill dude often gives the impression of being a stoner, but is probably just that way naturally. Chill dudes make very good boyfriends, but not necessarily husbands. Chill dudes have very relaxed attitudes towards messy rooms and food.

**TRUE STORY: A friend of mine (a guy) was interested in a girl. He asked her out for coffee. She thought "oh, coffee, like just a chill thing with friends." So she went out with him. He assumed she knew it was a date-like thing. She didn't. He asked her out a couple more times, and each time she thought they were just hanging out. Then she started seeing someone else WHILE my friend was asking her out. My friend found out on facebook that she was in a relationship with someone else. Moral of the story: Be open with your intentions, or else the other person won't be open with hirs.

***Also true story: One time, I called a guy over to my dorm room so that he could pick up the excess Halloween candy that me and my roommate had stored up (He was an RA for a language house and was always in need of treats for his hall). He came over, and it was a totally flimsy excuse for me to basically be like "we should hang out sometime." He was hanging out with his parents at the time and just was like "oh, yeah, sounds cool." I had to CALL HIM later and say, "So when I said we should hang out, I meant like I was asking you out on a date." and he was like "oh, jeez, I'm so sorry, I'm with my parents and I just totally was on another planet, because we're really busy." He liked me, though, and he wanted to go out with me. He just didn't realize what I was saying because his mind was somewhere else.

****Laguna Beach, much?