Walking the Walk and Talking the Talk

This post is going up a bit early (yay!) because I need to pack up my laptop to bring it back to campus and I DON'T want to wait until midnight to do so.

Anyways, today's question comes from Kenny(TKO) via the nerdfighter thread.

Kenny asks:

Recently I have felt the desire to be in a romantic relationship with someone, but no clear feeling on who that person would be. Previously in my life I would develop a crush on someone before feeling any need to be in a romantic relationship. There are a few people to whom I am attracted, but I am having trouble discerning if my attraction is more for them or the idea of a relationship with them, especially since I don't know them very well. Since I believe dating someone just to be dating someone does them a great disservice, this is an important distinction and I would welcome any input you have, but my specific question is, would asking someone on a date be an appropriate method to get to know them better and try to resolve this indecision, or does a date imply a level of surety or commitment greater than that which I profess to possess? I realize that what a date does or does not imply differs from person to person, but I thought I'd ask your opinion...*

So I think this question has two parts.

Part 1: I want to be in a relationship, but I don't know who I want to be in a relationship with. Is that ok? And how do I fix things?

I mean, yes, this is OK. I don't hold with the ideal that you need to be head-over-heels, stray-puppy-trailing-a-cute-little-kid in love with someone in order to be ready to be in a relationship. Most people actually go about dating by just checking random people out. And all the better if you have friends that you might be interested in. Just make sure that your "targets" are not being targeted just because they like you and you're like "What the hell" (see the previous post). Anyways, yes, dating around is perfectly acceptable and not being sure about the next beau is totally normally and fine and whatever. Let's move on.

Part 2: Dating implies what, again? And how do I go about doing that honestly?


So yes, "dating" can mean a TON of different things. Honestly, there is almost no real way to guarantee the person you're asking out will be perfectly clear as to what you mean, unless you're really clear about it. That being said, no, you shouldn't just be like, "I'm not sure if I'm attracted to you, or if I just want to be in a relationship with someone. Let's have coffee?" Because that sounds creepy and gross.

In defining what type of date you're going on, you have three different factors. They are:

1. The Talk: Have you guys discussed recently whether or not you want to be completely committed to each other?

2. Prior Interactions: How long have you guys known each other? Have you been friends for a really long time, or have you just met each other?

3. Physical History: Have you guys "hooked up" in an sort of way in the past? Meaning, have you guys kissed? Cuddling is a sort of grey area. Anything more than cuddling is definitely NOT. I'm not talking if you guys have held hands or anything...I'm talking, "have you guys maybe exchanged bodily fluids in any capacity?"**

Now, out of all these factors, The Talk is the real keystone of the whole deal. Knowing someone or not knowing someone are sort of moot--I have had friends that I've known forever and hooked up with, but most certainly didn't want to date, and I'd only technically known my current boyfriend for about two weeks before we actually were like "I really like you. Let's do this." Physical History and Prior Interactions are very fluid and depend on situational context. The Talk, however, is the culmination of each situation. The Talk must contain at least three things, which are:

1. How do you feel about hir?
2. How does hir feel about you?
3. What are you two going to do about it?

After you have the Talk, either you are in some sort of relationship, or you're not. If you're not, then that means you two don't want to be in a relationship or really see each other romantically. In which case, no, you shouldn't ask this person out on a date in any sort of way.

If you have had the Talk and have decided that you two want to be in a relationship, then date at will and date often, because that's what being in a relationship is all about: spending time with each other.

That being said, if you HAVEN'T had the Talk then everything else is really up in the air.

You have four combinations:
1. You have been friends for a really long time AND you've hooked up with each other:

Dude, seriously, that is just a recipe for drama. You need to get your shit together and discuss things. I'm sorry, no further options until you guys have the Talk. Or did you WANT to continue ignoring the enormous pink elephant in the corner every time you see one of your good friends?

2. You haven't really been friends for that long, and you've hooked up with each other.
Date is possible, but if you ask this person out on a date, the implication is that you really enjoyed hooking up with hir, and you definitely want to see if this could be a regularly occurring thing. If you don't want to imply that you're 60% sure or more that you want to be in a relationship with this person, I suggest a "date" that involves other people***, or do something casual during the day.**** If you DO want to imply that you want to be in a relationship with this person, then nix the other people and go out at night. There is a HUGE difference between going out to dinner with each other and going out to lunch.

3. You've been friends for a really long time and you haven't hooked up with each other.
This is tricky, because in order to make it clear that you want this to be a date, and not just some chill "hanging out," you need to mention the phrase "going out" and "date." Thing is, if you've been friends for a really long time, it's REALLY hard to just be "casually dating." You need to have The Talk before you proceed further. I'm sorry. I know, I know, it's a serious step and you're not sure if you want to take it, but if you don't, you'll end up being in a really awkward place that has all sorts of questions popping up all the time.

4. You haven't really been friends for a long time, and you haven't hooked up with each other.
In this case, it's perfectly OK for the person to take the "date" as just "chill hanging out" right? Especially since you're not sure if you want to date this person? So go for something more ambiguous on purpose...coffee is your best bet. Hang out, one on one, and if ze asks you, "So is this a date?" you can say, "Yeah, sure...I really just want to get to know you better." That solves all your problems and leaves the door open for possibilities :)

I hope this helps! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: Leave questions/comments in the um...comments, and don't forget...the nerdfighter thread is STILL active, and if you don't want to register for the forums, I have a formspring box to the upper right :)



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*For the sake of clarity, I have cut a bit of this question. Kenny said it was ok, and generally, I don't do it unless I get permission.

**Not to discount hand-holding in certain situations (and if there was prolonged hand-holding coupled with meaningful glances, that's sort of extreme and more "hookup" than "nothing"), but really, when you get down to it, you can hold hands with a friend and be cute. You can't make out with a friend and then just be like, "oh, we really aren't sexually attracted to each other at all."

***Because yes, going out with a group of friends as a couple can be a "date" at this point. "Dates" only have to be the two of you once you guys are actually in a relationship. And group activities can include going to the movies, putt-putt golf, going out to a club, etc...any situation where there's a huge group, but you can also pair off quietly at any point in time.

****Examples: ice cream, lunch somewhere casual, coffee. But be careful with coffee, because people have their own ideas as to what that means.