Cheating and Confessions

OK, I realize I'm posting twice in one day, and I'm also not going with the already-established order of questions, but this question was given to me late last night and I think it's probably one of the most important that I've ever received.

Today's question comes from Lindsey, via the nerdfighter ning

This is Lindsey's question:

I cheated on my boyfriend. I seriously regret it, and I know I will never do it again. We've had an otherwise perfect relationship for a year. I cheated on him back before we'd even dated for a month. I didn't tell him then because I was terrified of losing him. Now I think if I told him, he'd be sad and disappointed, but eventually forgive me and give me a second chance. Given that, should I tell him? I honestly don't want to. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to be hurt. I feel selfish and dishonest, but what good would honesty do in this situation?

Now, here's the thing:

Honesty, after physical and emotional attraction, is the MOST IMPORTANT THING TO A RELATIONSHIP.

The hierarchy goes something like this.

1. Emotional/Physical Attraction

2. Honesty

3. Time

4. Distance

5. Pet Peeves

Here's the thing--if you guys are REALLY in the perfect relationship, he will forgive you. If you aren't, then tell him anyways, because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Basically, if you don't tell him, you're going to be festering away for the rest of the time you date him. Eventually, it will explode. And what will you do? Fifty years later, are you really going to be able to tell him "I cheated on you, but I've loved you and felt guilty ever since?" No. That is ridiculous.*

OK, so you should have told him when it first happened. Even if you're afraid of losing someone, cheating is a general indicator of two things:

1. You're not over someone else, and you might like that someone else more than you like your significant other

2. You DO like your significant other, you're just not that ready to be in a relationship.

Since there haven't been any other incidents, I'm willing to bet that you were just having last minute jitters about the relationship. Or maybe you just made a series of bad life decisions. Either way, you didn't tell him and you really love him and now you guys are in the "perfect relationship." So that means that he'll understand you completely...you even think he'll forgive you.

So what are you waiting for?

Here's the thing:

I've cheated, and I've been cheated on. Coming from both points of view, I can honestly say that you ought to tell your significant other if you cheated. A lot of times, it was just a dumb, spur of the moment decision that really won't affect anything else. And that's fine...sometimes, people just lose control.

Also, maybe he won't even care about it. Maybe you've just built it up into this huge, big THING in your head. Festering does that. It expands problems.

I really cannot stress ENOUGH how much you have to tell your boyfriend about what happened. Part of loving someone is being brave and always telling hir the truth, even in the face of maybe losing hir love.

You sound pretty sure that things will work out. And that's great. It means you're confident in your relationship's security. What you ALSO have to be confident in is the relationship's honesty. I hope things DO work out between you, and even if they don't, then be confident in knowing that you did the right thing, and the loving thing. Sure, if he will probably be upset and hurt...

...but just imagine how awful it would be if he found out, just not from you?

You need to make sure that the news comes from you. Otherwise, your relationship will NEVER recover.

And do it as soon as possible!

I hope things work out! I really do!

And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)

PS: Questions can now be posted in the formspring box, to your right! -->



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*I mean, have you seen "Valentine's Day?" Shirley McLaine's little confession scene? That was ridiculous.