Budding Romance: Important phrases and dealing with friends

Today's question is a really interesting one, and it comes from Olivia via the nerdfighter thread.

Olivia asks:

So I have a friend, who I definitely like very, very much. Several people have assumed we're together, except we're not. He sort of brushes it off whenever anyone says anything about it. I haven't seen him since school ended, but we've emailed a lot and stuff. During first semester (I've only known him for a year), we'd walk from band to lunch together, and from English to Biology. Second semester, we sat next to each other at lunch (being a new semester, we were all unspokenly allowed to change our seating arrangements), and then went to band, and walked out to the buses together.
I read your post on "how to know if ze likes you," but it didn't help much. I exhibit a lot of the things you mentioned. But with him, it's very ambiguous. So is he just even shyer than I am? Or what? Like, I'd mention how the next book in a series we both love was coming out and say "oh, you should come over to B&N with me," and he had to go work on his Geometry project. So is that just being responsible? Or avoiding the situation? Or what?
One of my friends is convinced we should get married. Apparently it's that blatantly obvious to her. But she's the only one I told I like him, so maybe she's viewing it through tinted glasses.
Help, please. :)

When it comes to relationships, one of the biggest problems that people tend to have is over-analyzing the situation. It's just something that everybody does--when you really care about someone, you're driven crazy if you don't know EXACTLY how that someone feels about you.

That being said, I think that's EXACTLY what this situation is about.

This guy sounds like a really chill dude.* Just because he "brushes comments off" when people make comments about how you guys could be a couple doesn't mean that he isn't interested in you at all. If he wasn't, the reaction would probably be more like "What the hell? No way. That is so weird." Plus, he probably would have at least said something along the lines of "how could they even think that?" or "you're like, my best friend." If the subject hasn't come up between you two, bring it up ASAP. Gauge his reaction. If it's more like "yeah, that's funny" or "whatever, who cares what people think," he's probably more interested in you than he's letting on. If it's one of the previous two statements, he's probably relegated you to the "friend" category and you're going to have a hard time getting out of it.

If you want to get this boy, you HAVE to be more overt than you have been. A lot of people don't actually realize they're being asked out.** Your friend probably thought it was just a "oh, we should just go hang out at Barnes and Nobles" thing, instead of a "omg, quasi-date!" thing. Be clearer. As in, preface "let's go to Barnes and Nobles," with:
"we should go out together sometime."

This ONE SENTENCE is VITALLY IMPORTANT. That ONE SENTENCE will ALWAYS PROMPT the response,

"what, like a date?"


Then, you can clarify. "Yeah, like a date. What do you think?" Honestly, he was probably thinking, "oh, that would be fun, but I have a Geometry project." I'm assuming you guys are nerds, since you're writing to me. And, I mean, when people have pressing obligations on their minds, they tend to focus on that obligation.***

So, moral of the story: You have to be overt to make sure that people know exactly what you're asking for. Otherwise, your crush is just never going to know how you feel, because ze is probably doing the second guessing that YOU'RE doing.

Now, the last part: your friend. Having a best friend that says "oh, you two are going to get married" is a staple of any beginning crush.**** I mean, it's sort of the best friend's job to be like, "yes, you two are made for each other." That's just the way you egg a friend on to take that scary, first step. I would say that yes, your best friend is biased, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go for it. Just don't go for it because your friends put you up to it. Make sure you really want to ask this guy out because you like him a lot. Also, make sure your friend doesn't get aggressive with hints or anything. What happened to me a lot in high school was that my best friend(s) would basically tell a guy that I liked him WITHOUT ME KNOWING. This made things incredibly awkward, and just not cool. Make sure your friend knows that you're thinking about asking him out, and also make sure she doesn't act any differently or try to set you up. Being set up in this situation would be HELLACIOUSLY awkward. You want to be in control of the entire situation, and you want to be the one to ask him out because you want to be able to gauge his reaction yourself.

That being said, I wish you luck! And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*Chill Dude (n.): a guy that is really low key and, well, "chill" about everything. A chill dude goes with the flow. A chill dude does not let the regular annoyances of daily life get him down. A chill dude often gives the impression of being a stoner, but is probably just that way naturally. Chill dudes make very good boyfriends, but not necessarily husbands. Chill dudes have very relaxed attitudes towards messy rooms and food.

**TRUE STORY: A friend of mine (a guy) was interested in a girl. He asked her out for coffee. She thought "oh, coffee, like just a chill thing with friends." So she went out with him. He assumed she knew it was a date-like thing. She didn't. He asked her out a couple more times, and each time she thought they were just hanging out. Then she started seeing someone else WHILE my friend was asking her out. My friend found out on facebook that she was in a relationship with someone else. Moral of the story: Be open with your intentions, or else the other person won't be open with hirs.

***Also true story: One time, I called a guy over to my dorm room so that he could pick up the excess Halloween candy that me and my roommate had stored up (He was an RA for a language house and was always in need of treats for his hall). He came over, and it was a totally flimsy excuse for me to basically be like "we should hang out sometime." He was hanging out with his parents at the time and just was like "oh, yeah, sounds cool." I had to CALL HIM later and say, "So when I said we should hang out, I meant like I was asking you out on a date." and he was like "oh, jeez, I'm so sorry, I'm with my parents and I just totally was on another planet, because we're really busy." He liked me, though, and he wanted to go out with me. He just didn't realize what I was saying because his mind was somewhere else.

****Laguna Beach, much?