(Social) Love Games

High School is one of those big melting pots of trauma and drama that everybody should go through, but nobody really LIKES. One of the biggest causes of trauma/drama (henceforth known as "Ta-da!-ma)are, of course, crushes and relationships. Today's question comes from Rebecca via the nerdfighter thread and deals with the epitome of a young love dilemma. Rebecca asks:

Well, hypothetically, suppose a certain girl has a crush on this boy who is totally nerdy and is NOT afraid to show it. But sometimes this boy can get a little intense, and not just about being nerdy but just intense about everything, almost like it is as though you aren't sure he can take anything serious. But he is really sweet, and he also likes this girl, and he is so confident in himself and where he is at and he is not afraid to just show everyone his nerdy side. But this freaks the girl out because she is slightly self conscious of what other people think although she knows she shouldn't care what other people think.

Now, Rebecca's question is a little confusing, but that's part of why I like it so much. I had to message her to get some more details but I found out that:

1. Both of them are 17.

2. Rebecca defines "intense" as:

"he will just say whatever he wants whenever he wants to. Like everyone is nerdy to some extent but he has no problem just saying things that express his nerdy side. He is very forward and outgoing to an extreme level and he absolutely does not care what other people think of him. "

3. When she says "he can't handle anything serious," she means that he is, like a lot of high school boys, emotionally immature and probably not ready to date anyone at all.

4. Rebecca has had a crush on this boy for a long time, but now she's not too sure. The boy is aware of this, and it has come to Rebecca's attention that he likes her now, as well. She's not used to doing something romantic with a friend, and she's not as much attracted to his looks as his personality.

5. And, probably most importantly, when I asked Rebecca if others' opinions on this boy mattered to her, she said:

Some people think he isn't datable material, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I am actually a very self conscience person, and I know I shouldn't be. And please don't think I am shallow, but I'm afraid people won't understand why I like him because they don't see C**** the way I see C****.

So let's dissect this problem, shall we?

The reason I asked their ages was because, if you're in high school, social nuances count for a lot more. When you get older (or if you're younger), who you're dating on the social strata really DOESN'T MATTER. However, in high school (and I'm not saying this is good or bad), how a person is perceived is really important...mainly, because it can put a lot of strain on a relationship. Don't believe all of those TV shows where girls become beautiful after dropping glasses and magically date the most popular boy in school, who somehow manages a change in heart. High school teaches people how to deal with the worst and best of a relationship. Unless you are truly attracted to a person's personality AND looks, a high school relationship (or, for that matter, ANY relationship) is damn near impossible to keep up. You have to be confident enough to go public--why would you want your significant other to be ashamed of you? Why would you want to be ashamed of your significant other? It's just wrong (We'll come back to this point later).

Next, when I asked about "intensity," I was worried that she meant he was emotionally and/or mentally unstable. This can also put a strain on a relationship. Sometimes, if a person is suffering from depression or any other mental illness, ze can't handle a relationship properly.* However, it looks like this boy is just a bit zealous in expressing his personality. Again, that's something that can be a bit more embarrassing in high school (but wouldn't be quite as bad when you get older)**. Unless you're really comfortable with yourself and with the other person, I would caution against it. But if you want to make some changes, and you think maybe this relationship could really work, I would say go for it. There's nothing better than a significant other at getting you to try new things. I have done things with boyfriends and girlfriends*** that I probably wouldn't have done for anyone else (including my direct family and perhaps a handicapped child crying for help). However, you only try new things with a significant other that you respect and admire. If you're just embarrassed...well, again, why are you dating someone you're embarrassed by?

To dissect point 3: High school boys are dumb. I'm serious. They're DUMB. I mean, they can be smart about academics, or sports, or video games, or countless other things, but when it comes to girls (or boys)(or whatever gender identity they find attractive), they are really clueless. Chances are, he's too scared to make a move on you...or maybe he started liking you because you like him and now that you don't like him anymore, he'll find you even more attractive. I speak from personal experience. If you want anything to get done, you do it yourself. Don't wait around for the boy to enact the proper procedure. He has no idea what he's doing.

Point 4: Again, if you're not physically attracted to a person, you shouldn't be in a romantic/sexual relationship with them. Looks are important. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but unless the beholder is beholdin' some hotness, you're up a creek without a paddle. I have tried dating people that were perfectly attractive, but whom I didn't find at all physically appealing. It was awful. I figured that if you really like a person, that's all that matters...it's not. I mean, you shouldn't date someone just because you find hir really hot, but you shouldn't date a person just because you like their personality. Eventually, you WILL have to look at them. If you can't look at hir (or, you know, kiss them) without thinking about how other people are hotter...you're hurting hir as much as yourself.

Point 5: There is nothing shallow about this train of thought. Seeing things from another point of view is healthy and objective. I mean, I know plenty of girls who have dated TERRIBLE boys. Like, truly repulsive (and not just physically). If these girls had just looked at how other people viewed their lover, they would have been like "Oh my GOD! WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?" And that would have been a good life decision.

Parents always say "oh, it doesn't matter what other people think. You shouldn't care." But you should care. Not because you want to lose your personality and personal choice, but because if a lot of people think something about a person, you want to know why. It sounds to me like you don't actually know if you want to date this boy or not. If you're not sure, you probably don't. Sit down, think about why/what you find attractive about him, and think about whether or not it's just a really good friendship. A lot of times, people mistake genuine friendships for romantic, just because their parts down under could possibly do the nasty. Don't make that mistake. However, if you honestly think "Oh, my goodness, he really is a cool kid and I wish I could make out with him right now and talk about nerdy things," do it. Don't worry about it. Like always, communication is the key. However, this time, you have to be able to communicate with yourself.

I hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)




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*True Story: Having been on the receiving end AND giving end of depression in a relationship, I can honestly say that dating someone is the worst possible thing you can do to help hir. The depressed person becomes completely dependent on the "stable" person, and if the relationship ends, or gets stressful, both people feel trapped. Don't do it. Bring hir to counseling, help hir out by talking to hir, but DON'T get romantic. Sex is emotionally charged. Everybody feels needy and vulnerable during sex...depression just makes that dynamic worse.

**I mean, compared to becoming a total social pariah and a target of emotionally traumatic/physically abusive bullying, other people looking at you funny in a restaurant because your boyfriend just made a really loud Star Trek reference is just NOT AS BAD. That being said, if you're dating someone who makes really loud Star Trek references in restaurants, I hope you find the remarks hilarious and endearing (because, I mean, you're a nerd, right? And you're in nerdfighterlike?)

***Including, not but not limited to lesbian sex, hetero sex, Star Trek, Hero System gaming, vegetarian dishes, indie music, graphic novels, and the Joss Whedon series "Firefly"