(Drum roll, please? I'm really excessively excited over this).
Anyways, this question comes from Martha, via the Nerdfighter thread. Martha asks:
What do you do when someone says they're interested in you and would like to go on a date with you, but keeps saying they're too busy right now? This girl has been "really busy" the past 3 months, but still says she'd like to go out with me.
Now, I actually messaged Martha and got some further information. Martha is an out lesbian, and the girl in question is also out (but bi-sexual). Martha told me she's dated girls before, but she's not sure if this girl has ever been in a relationship with a woman. Both girls are 18 or over.
The reason I asked Martha those questions is because queer relationships can get tricky in terms of who knows you're queer and who doesn't (especially if you still live mostly at home, or if you're a minor). A lot of girls I know tried to have queer relationships in middle school and high school, but without outing themselves to most of their friends and family. This is generally a recipe for disaster, mainly because everyone always finds out in the end. It's really hard to have a secret relationship in high school--even a straight one. So it's good that Martha doesn't have to hide any of her sexuality (I mean, sometimes things can get nasty--one of my friends got booted off to a 75% male boarding school, just because her parents found out she "thought" she was queer).
However, the fact that this girl maybe hasn't dated a woman before makes me think there are other things going on. A lot of bi girls do start out in mostly straight relationships (or even prefer men). There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't make them any less queer. It just means that every person has reservations and expectations when it comes to relationships. A person's queer relationship is daunting--I mean, everyone knows certain societal rules and regulations for straight relationships, but queer ones, especially lesbian ones, are sort of ignored. Maybe she's scared, or nervous, or isn't really sure if she's ready to be in a girly relationship. In that case, you just need to sit down and talk with her about it. See how committed she's been (in the past) with women, and see how that compares to men. A lot of bi-sexual girls have very skewed experiences, especially around age 18 or younger.
HOWEVER, that's not the only option as to why she keeps saying she's busy. I mean, it's really easy to just say "oh, being queer is scary for a lot of people." When you get down to it, human nature is pretty much the same, be the person queer or straight. While yes, she could be genuinely busy. However, when I asked Martha about it further, she replied:
We met a few months ago through a mutual friend, and started talking. It was around the time of finals, so we were both very busy. We've started talked again, but she says she's too busy to hang out with me at all. I get the sense that's she's interested in me, but not willing to go out of her way to make time to be with me. Should I just try to move on?
That sounds a bit suspicious to me. I mean, I'm a college girl. I know ALL about finals pressure and relationship possibilities coming at very bad times (when you're dating someone else for example, or when you're involved in 12987619234 extracurricular activities and your mother has expressly told you to get your GPA up or she'll withdraw payments etc etc etc). However, once all that stress and pressure is off a person's back, most people tend to let loose and go back to all of their crazy social obligations/relationships. In fact, a lot of my friends start dating around Christmas break. They talk online/on facebook/on the phone, and all of a sudden, they're dating. It's really common. If a person is STILL feeding you the "I'm very busy" line...well, that seems a little suspicious to me. Busy might be code for "I'm juggling my options right now." As in, they have a couple of people that they're "talking" to. What you should be on the watch for can be summed up in a handy acronym called "F.U.C.K.S" (seriously guys, you knew something like this was coming.)
F.U.C.K.S. stands for:
1. Facebook: People tend to dis facestalking. Quite frankly, sometimes it's the only way to get covert information that would be really awkward to get other wise. I mean, sometimes, you just can't ask a person "so, what's your status and who have you been taking cute pictures with?" I mean, generally, facestalking should only be used in really tricky situations, but in this case, I'm giving you a free pass. Facebook's a good way to find out how single/taken they really are. I don't just mean hir relationship status--ze could be in a fake marriage with one of their best friends or whatever. BUT, if it's not listed, you should probably be suspicious. Check out:
-The Wall: A person's facebook wall shows who hir talks to the most, who talks to hir, and what sort of inside jokes/relationships hir has with people. If a person keeps posting regularly on hir wall with kissy faces and hearts, you know something's up.
-Pictures: Just take a quick look through the profile picture (or, if they've been recently tagged in any party pictures). Who is ze with? is ze kissing anybody? Is the profile pic album suspiciously empty, even if the person has had a facebook for like 5 years? That can indicate a recent breakup and thus, a purging of cute facebook profile pics.
-Notes: Notes are like blog entries, only way more trashy. Look for those really annoying surveys. Check out the ones about love life (which is every single one of them). Look at dates for single or taken. Etc.
-Quotes: Does ze have any quotes that are from really good friends? Inside jokes? Anyone that seems to appear in all of the above?
Now, if hir facebook is blank, you should be suspicious. A facebook without a wall and a relationship status and pictures is just asking for suspicion. Some people may suck at facebook...others are just really, really good at hiding playa information.
2. Unusual Curtness: If the person just went from being really gregarious to being like...short and distant, something's up. If you're used to having conversations that last for a really long time, and all of a sudden ze's like "I'm sorry, I have to go..." you should be a little suspicious. Either ze'stalking to someone else, or ze has something emotionally traumatic going on. Either way, you need to directly confront hir on this one.
3. Kissing Stories: Kissing Stories are those delightful (and often amusing) stories about partying and hooking up. I don't just mean from whomever you're pursuing...I mean from everyone else. I think this is pretty obvious, but also look for stories that are obviously cut out. For example, if she says something like "Omg, I was at this CRAZY party with X the other night...people were just practically having sex on the dance floor!" That probably means "I hooked up and danced like a go-go dancer." Use your common sense.
That being said, don't give up hope! When in doubt, and even if you're completely sure, direct confrontation is ALWAYS the answer. Just ask...just be prepared with arguments as to why you think someone is playing around or not.
I hope that helps! And remember folks: jump those railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
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