Body Language: Interpreting and Speaking

So, a lot of times relationship communication isn't verbal--it's in body language. How to interpret looks and gestures is an important part of dating someone.

Today's question comes from Cavalier, via the nerdfighter thread

Cavalier asks:

How do I tell how far a girl is willing to go? Not even talking about sex, just figuring out what she is willing to do. I hate to seem like I'm pushing something upon the girl that she isn't really willing to do or not willing to do just yet.

I mean, there's a long answer and a short answer here. This is the short answer:

Just ask her.

=P

Sorry guys, I couldn't resist. But ultimately, asking someone is all you have to do. Of course, it can be awkward if you just all of a sudden ask a girl (out of nowhere): "How do you feel about me sticking my fingers in your coochie-snorcher?"

That is just not romantic.

What you should do is bring matters up, gently. This is also important if you are the older/more experienced person in the relationship. The less experienced/younger* person often feels pressured to know what ze is doing, and often, feels obligated to go as far in the current relationship as past girlfriends/boyfriends have.

That being said, talking about this stuff is AWKWARD. It always will be. However, there are ways to alleviate the awkwardness.

Tip 1: Talk about things beforehand, in a private setting. Next time you're alone and just chatting (on the phone is fine, but in person is better--you can get nuances like shyness and uncomfortable vibes), bring up the subject. Something like "Oh, I was thinking today, and we haven't discussed what we're comfortable with, at least, sexually. I don't ever want to feel like I'm pressing you to do anything you don't want to do. So, please tell me what you feel comfortable doing."

Tip 2: If, somehow, you end up in a physical position where you're not sure if it's OK to proceed further, stop, quietly ask her "Is this OK?" and act accordingly. If she says "No," then back off and return to the previous sexual step**. If she looks like she wants to talk, talk to her. If she looks unsure, just back off and ask her what's wrong. Use your common sense.

Tip 3: If you, yourself are in a position that compromises your comfortability, say something. Be firm. This is the most important thing: make your wants and needs clear. It is possible for both men and women to be raped/rape each other. I realize this is an ugly topic, but date rape and sexual assault do happen. Yes, it counts as rape/sexual assault if a person clearly says "no," and the perpetrator keeps going. This is why communication in a relationship is SO IMPORTANT.

Tip 4: Keep your boundaries in mind, but always be prepared for a change in scenario. A lot of couples I know in college started out saying "we shouldn't have sex." The thing is, in the "heat of the moment," that opinion can change. I know plenty of people who have lost their virginity due to a spontaneous decision. So when I say "be prepared," please always have a condom ready. Even if a girl is on birth control, condoms are necessary to prevent STIs and other nasty things. Also, birth control is NOT 100% effective. It's always good to double up. That being said, do NOT keep your condom in a wallet. The condom's latex can develop holes due to the heat and friction. Also, ladies: please have your own condoms ready. There should be no "oh, I'm the girl, I don't bring the condoms." If you want to have sex, you should have some. Safe sex is not one person's responsibility: it is whoever has sex (be it 2, 3, or a billion people involved).

Tip 5: RELAX! Have fun! The key to any relationship problem is really simple: communication. As long as both of you know exactly where things are going, and as long as everyone knows everyone else's boundaries (and respects them), a fun time will be had by all.

Hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!

xoxo,
Risk(y)



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*footnote: The younger person in a relationship is NOT NECESSARILY the less experienced. For example, I have a far more extensive dating history than my current boyfriend, and he is five years older than me. That being said, in high school, heterosexual relationships, there is a lot of pressure on older boys having more experience. This is bullshit. Also, this is something that you should discuss with each other.

**Sexual Step: A step in the sexual ladder. Bases. I like to think of them as the four F's: French, Finger, Fellatio, Fuck.

Question 1: How do I tell a cute nerdy guy I like him without ruining the friendship?

Here's the thing: Telling a guy you like him? Always worth ruining the friendship. Because, after all, if the friendship can be ruined that easily, clearly it wasn't worth it. Also, there are ways to build up to that without anything being awkward! here's the original question I received:

I really like this guy who I'm friends with. I'll call him "Ben". Ben is a great guy in person but he often takes a long time to text me back and he likes partying much more than I do. He's sweet and much nicer than the boys I usually go for. He thinks I'm smart and nice. He touched my hand when we were playing video games and moved close to me on the couch which is when I realized I really liked him (just realized how nerdy that sounds). Anyway so we will be attending the same party this Sunday and I was hoping to tell him that I like him there. We only hang out as part of a group normally. All of my friends have encouraged me to tell him and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to get up the courage and how to say it in a way that won't ruin our friendship if he says no.

Oh my goodness, I LOVE THIS QUESTION SO MUCH! Congratulations on actually having the guts to even CONSIDER this. Most girls are always like "omg, I can't do that, it's so embarrassing!!!!"

Before the party, I would suggest either calling him or talking to him on IM for a long time, over the course of a couple of nights. Calling is good. If you feel uncomfortable, just message him on some IM client (even facebook!) and then be like "Oh, geez, I really want to continue this conversation, but I've been staring at my computer all day and my eyes are starting to hurt...do you want to just call me? What's you're number?" This will allow you to get more comfortable talking to him, and also get him to know you better. Plus, it minimizes the awkward later when you get him alone.

As for the party, It really depends on what type of party you're going to. If it's the kind with dancing and loud music, I'd recommend chilling with a separate group of people for the first couple of minutes (don't wait too long; you don't want him to start talking to another girl--wait maybe 15 minutes, tops), and then go up to him and ask him to dance. I don't care how awkward or how sexy you dance--dancing is just a good way to get close and whisper in his ear. Start talking about nerdy things (I'm assuming, since you got the tinglies for him while you were gaming, that he's a nerdfighter). Cool things. Gaming things. Be casual. Talk to him the way you would talk to a girl friend, or whatever. Bring up inside jokes from the IM/phone conversations you've been having. He'll be excited, and it'll relax you. Just think: if he's dancing with you, and if he's been talking to you, he probably finds you interesting and sexy. After a while (maybe a couple of songs--enough where you've reached the barrier between glistening sexily, and actually sweating--sweat is gross), ask him if he wants to take a breather outside with you. He'll say "sure," because no guy would stick around that long with out saying "sure," and as soon as you get a nice quiet place outside in the dark, sit down somewhere and say "So, can I just tell you something? I feel really awkward, but I have to get this off my chest."
Wait for his response, and then say, "Well, I really like you."
That's it! I swear!
Now, if it's not a dance party, if it's just one of those casual "chillax and shit" parties, all you have to do is make sure you're chillaxing around him the whole night. Wait for a time when the party gets a little loud, smile at him and say "Hey, do you want to take a little walk outside with me? I sort of want some fresh air." And then repeat the conversation above.

Also, make sure your friends don't blow your cover. Make sure they don't actually say anything that hints about your crush. That gets awkward. BUT, if it DOES happen, don't let it throw you. In fact, use it to your advantage. If one of them starts saying blatant things, just look your boy straight in the eye and be like "Um...care to take a walk with me?" Seriously. Best way ever! You don't have to worry about eye contact if you're walking or sitting side by side, and if you're alone, you can commence making out IMMEDIATELY.

I HOPE THIS WORKS! Good Luck! And if you cross any railroads in your car, lift your feet up. It's good luck in love :)