...Or At Least Some Type of Nerdy Soul Mate.
by: Risk(y)Business.
This is how it works:
1. Answer the questions. Post them as a comment (or somewhere public where other people can see the questions/your answers).
2. To find your match, scroll down and look for interesting answers that intrigue you/fascinate you/turn you on. Don't necessarily go for people who have the same answers as you. Go for the people that you would have good conversations with.*
3. Message that person with your own secret question**
4. See who messages you!
Easy enough! What makes this survey different from every other survey out there? The questions actually make sense. And you won't want to gag after you read them.***
*****Beginning of Survey******
[One]: Please list your most commonly used internet handle and explain it.
[Two]: You're on the site, so you probably have lots of hobbies. If you could transform one of your hobbies into a superpower, how would that turn out?
[Three]: Finish the joke: "Two pirates walk into a bar..."
[Four]: Finish the joke: "Two ninjas sneak into a bar"
[Five]: Forget the whole "best date" ever scenario. What's the most awkward situation you've ever experienced/always feared?
[Six]: What type of movie would your life be? What type of movie do you want your life to be? Why?
[Seven]: Did you ever have any embarrassing childhood obsessions? "Embarrassing," by the way, does not include Power Rangers or Captain Planet, or any other 90s TV show that 4chan really loves. "Embarrassing" would be Barney. Barbies. Face from Nick Jr. etc. You know what I'm getting at.
[Eight]: What's your biggest pet peeve when it comes to online commenting?
[Nine]: Which would be worse: A long distance relationship wherein you rarely got to physically meet up with your partner, or a relationship wherein you constantly see/interact with your partner?
[Ten]: Sort of necessary. Describe your sexuality in as concrete or abstract terms as you wish.
[Eleven]: Who would win in an all out battle: Dumbledore, or Gandalf?
[Twelve]: Who would win in a Model UN tournament: Cleopatra or Elizabeth I?
[Thirteen]: Do you have any superstitious rituals that you do for good luck/bad luck?
[Fourteen]: What do you get paranoid about, late at night when you can't sleep?
[Fifteen]: If God exists, what do you want Hir to say in Heaven when you arrive?
****End Survey****
Have fun chickies! And remember, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
PS: Questions can still be asked from the formspring to your upper right. Additionally, I have started a *new* nerdfighter thread, which can be found here:
http://nerdfighters.ning.com/forum/topics/i-need-questions-part-2?xg_source=activity
______________
*Example: If you want a good conversation, go for someone who has the opposite answer as you for the whole "X versus X" questions.
**Secret question: The question that, after reading their answers, you most really, really want to ask. It's not an answer, it's a question, because this whole exercise is about beginning something, not ending it.
***I am so FUCKING tired of answering the question "Do you believe in love at first sight?" Seriously? WTF.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I'M BAAAAAACK!
Hello one and all!
After an incredibly long hiatus, I am back for the summer. I'm still not sure what my updating schedule is going to be (as I'm going to be out of town a bit this summer) but I'm getting to all of the lovely questions you people asked me on formspring. I'm answering them in the order I received them, ok?
Anyways, this is an anonymous question:
Um, there are a couple of different issues here. But basically, it can be all boiled down to one problem:
In the end, the problem is that no matter how logically you can think someone is really crap and not worth your time, your heart is always going to be there refusing. The conversation goes something like this:
[BRAIN]: Dude, ze is such a loser. Why are we into him? Huh? I mean, the gross factor is overwhelming. We're ditching him.
[HEART]: We're not ready yet! You haven't convinced us! Ze could change! Right????
[BRAIN]: "..."
[HEART]: I LOVE LOVE! ALSO, I WANT THE FAMILIAR! WHEEEEE!
[BRAIN]: Well, fuck, I just lost an argument with an idiot.
This is a deadly loop, and it will go on forever if you don't follow three steps. Three convenient steps that actually form (you guessed it) a Mnemonic Device. That device is "CUT"
C.U.T. stands for:
1. Cut Off All Contact With the Person: Basically, just don't talk to hir. Don't message hir. Generally, just avoid the person. This takes away the temptation for your heart to do the weird fluttery dance thingie it does that starts off the entire cycle.
2. Understand your feelings: The key to really getting rid of this problem is finding its root. I mean, this approach does not work for everything,* but here, the real question you need to ask yourself is: "Why do I like this person? And how valid is that?" Again, the logical loop between your brain and heart is sort of cut, but here's the thing: Your heart will spout all sorts of nonsense about "Oh, ze is so sweet, kind, etc etc etc." If you can be like "Wait, no hir's not..." then it will definitely help things. Some things are just unretortable by "wheee! Flutter dance!"
3. Take your Time: The thing is, the first two steps START working instantaneously, really, but they don't completely finish for a long time. It's not like the next day you're going to be able to encounter that person and be like "Ha, Ha! You have no power over me, sluggabrain!**" No, your heart is a very resilient creature. When I say "Cut off all contact" and "Understand Your Feelings" I mean a good solid length of time. You can do this, but you really have to put in the effort to undo years and YEARS of emotional attachment.
But you CAN do it! Really!
Trust me. I've been there. It wasn't fun, or pretty, but damn, it was satisfying when I reached the "I'm over you" point.
Hope that helps!
And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
_____________
*Have you seen "But I'm a Cheerleader?" Finding a root does not cure the gay. Case in point.
**Yes, "sluggabrain." It sounds really gross and cool, ok? In like, a totally "oooh you got burned, with eloquence!" sort of way. Trust me.
After an incredibly long hiatus, I am back for the summer. I'm still not sure what my updating schedule is going to be (as I'm going to be out of town a bit this summer) but I'm getting to all of the lovely questions you people asked me on formspring. I'm answering them in the order I received them, ok?
Anyways, this is an anonymous question:
You know how you said that thing about riding crushes out...what if you can only see them once a year and it's been going on for way too long (age2) you want to end it because deep down you know this person has become a lot more horrible (and sexist)?
Um, there are a couple of different issues here. But basically, it can be all boiled down to one problem:
BRAINS ARE SMART. HEARTS ARE NOT.
In the end, the problem is that no matter how logically you can think someone is really crap and not worth your time, your heart is always going to be there refusing. The conversation goes something like this:
[BRAIN]: Dude, ze is such a loser. Why are we into him? Huh? I mean, the gross factor is overwhelming. We're ditching him.
[HEART]: We're not ready yet! You haven't convinced us! Ze could change! Right????
[BRAIN]: "..."
[HEART]: I LOVE LOVE! ALSO, I WANT THE FAMILIAR! WHEEEEE!
[BRAIN]: Well, fuck, I just lost an argument with an idiot.
This is a deadly loop, and it will go on forever if you don't follow three steps. Three convenient steps that actually form (you guessed it) a Mnemonic Device. That device is "CUT"
C.U.T. stands for:
1. Cut Off All Contact With the Person: Basically, just don't talk to hir. Don't message hir. Generally, just avoid the person. This takes away the temptation for your heart to do the weird fluttery dance thingie it does that starts off the entire cycle.
2. Understand your feelings: The key to really getting rid of this problem is finding its root. I mean, this approach does not work for everything,* but here, the real question you need to ask yourself is: "Why do I like this person? And how valid is that?" Again, the logical loop between your brain and heart is sort of cut, but here's the thing: Your heart will spout all sorts of nonsense about "Oh, ze is so sweet, kind, etc etc etc." If you can be like "Wait, no hir's not..." then it will definitely help things. Some things are just unretortable by "wheee! Flutter dance!"
3. Take your Time: The thing is, the first two steps START working instantaneously, really, but they don't completely finish for a long time. It's not like the next day you're going to be able to encounter that person and be like "Ha, Ha! You have no power over me, sluggabrain!**" No, your heart is a very resilient creature. When I say "Cut off all contact" and "Understand Your Feelings" I mean a good solid length of time. You can do this, but you really have to put in the effort to undo years and YEARS of emotional attachment.
But you CAN do it! Really!
Trust me. I've been there. It wasn't fun, or pretty, but damn, it was satisfying when I reached the "I'm over you" point.
Hope that helps!
And remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(y)
_____________
*Have you seen "But I'm a Cheerleader?" Finding a root does not cure the gay. Case in point.
**Yes, "sluggabrain." It sounds really gross and cool, ok? In like, a totally "oooh you got burned, with eloquence!" sort of way. Trust me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Very, Very, Sorry About Not Updating...But I'm Alive!
So, I've been away for a very long time.
I'm sooooo sorry, guys! I'm a full-time college student, and this blog was my summer project (but hopefully I'll be able to update more often...at some point. Not now.)
Needless to say, I've been getting a lot of questions like "are you ok? where did you go???"
I'm fine! Really. It's just that I'm a college senior, I'm graduating, I'm juggling a bunch of different things now, and blogging something I have to put on hold (unless I'm doing it for a class).
Anyways, I hope everyone is well! Keep sending me questions...I'll answer them, eventually :)
xoxo,
Risk(Y)
I'm sooooo sorry, guys! I'm a full-time college student, and this blog was my summer project (but hopefully I'll be able to update more often...at some point. Not now.)
Needless to say, I've been getting a lot of questions like "are you ok? where did you go???"
I'm fine! Really. It's just that I'm a college senior, I'm graduating, I'm juggling a bunch of different things now, and blogging something I have to put on hold (unless I'm doing it for a class).
Anyways, I hope everyone is well! Keep sending me questions...I'll answer them, eventually :)
xoxo,
Risk(Y)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Taboos, part 1
Today's question comes anonymously via the formspring:
Now, in dating, there are certain taboos. These taboos can range from the areas of what not to say, what not to do, and, most importantly, who NOT to date.
I mean, the thing with dating taboos is that they vary from person to person. There are a few universally acknowledged bad ideas*, but there are a few that remain relative.
Dating your best friend's little brother is a bit of a grey area. There are a few things to consider. I bring you yet another convenient (sort of) acronym in the form of AH(cubed) (yes, the "H" is cubed. You can also pronounce it "Ahhh," if you really want to).
1. Age: Are you older than the younger brother? Are you younger than the younger brother? Are you the same age. I mean, age is relative and it really depends on each situation, but if you are in high school, I would exercise some caution in terms of dating more than two years older/younger. I don't want to be age-ist, but just realistic: when you are a teenager, there is a HUGE difference between a 15 year old and a 17 year old. Likewise with a 16 year old and an 18 year old. Take any two year age difference in the years from about 12** to 19***, and you'll find a massive maturity gap. I mean, I'd just like to break down some of these for you:
I'm hoping that's enough to illustrate things for you. Now, there are a few exceptions to this rule. I mean, I knew a few couples who managed to work things out even with the whole "omg, high school vs. college" age gap...but it's HARD. It's like, learning how to drive versus learning how to LIVE ON YOUR OWN. It's like learning geometry vs. learning calculus. There's just such a HUGE age gap there.
2. How do you feel?: I mean, are you considering this because this is a pretty cute kid and you know ze's had a huge crush on you for a while now? Or did you just wake up one day, realize that ze's pretty hot and awesome and you want to date hir? I mean, hormones are funny things. I too have felt the power of being the object of a full-fledged, first crush. Again, with the first rule of dating:
which leads us to...
3. How does the younger sibling feel about you?: OK, so say you've figured out that yes, you actually really do like this person. Now...do you think this person reciprocates?**** OK, but do you think ze is mature enough to handle dating you? Are you mature enough to handle dating hir? Are you both looking for the same things, and could both see yourselves dating each other very successfully, or being very cool in a break up? This is important, and leads us to the final point...
4. How does your best friend feel about it?: Here's the thing: your best friend is YOUR BEST FRIEND. Treat hir with respect. Ascertain whether or not the dating is a viable option, and then ask your biffle before your proceed. Why? Because best friends don't go behind their best friend's backs to date someone. Obviously, hir opinion matters. You wouldn't be questioning the ethics of this situation, otherwise. So ask. Discuss matters with the younger sibling first, and then ask. You just don't want to cause a false alarm heart attack with the best friend, ok?
I hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!
xoxo,
risk(Y)
PS: the nerdfighter thread can be found here, and the formspring box is to your upper right. Alternatively, you can just click on this link :)
______________________________________________________________
*Examples include: dating a CURRENT professor, dating a CURRENT boss, and dating someone you are closely related to. I mean, the last is pretty much another way of saying "biological disaster." The others are just bad situations asking to happen.
**I'm counting 12 as a teenager, damn it. It never made sense to me the idea of "preteen" only existing for 11 and 12 year olds. 12 for me was a pivotal time. You start shopping for adult clothes at 12. 11, yes, very young. 12 is very different from 11.
***These numbers, of course, exclude ages differences that involve one age outside of the 12-18 range (example: 18 and 20, or 19 and 21) on the older side of the scale. If you're a 12 year old and you're dating a 10 year old, please ask yourself: should a 10 year old really be "dating" anyone at all? Seriously. Rethink some issues there.
****refer to here for more details.
Are there people who are just automatically off limits by unspoken expectations, for example, the younger brother of a best friend?
Now, in dating, there are certain taboos. These taboos can range from the areas of what not to say, what not to do, and, most importantly, who NOT to date.
I mean, the thing with dating taboos is that they vary from person to person. There are a few universally acknowledged bad ideas*, but there are a few that remain relative.
Dating your best friend's little brother is a bit of a grey area. There are a few things to consider. I bring you yet another convenient (sort of) acronym in the form of AH(cubed) (yes, the "H" is cubed. You can also pronounce it "Ahhh," if you really want to).
1. Age: Are you older than the younger brother? Are you younger than the younger brother? Are you the same age. I mean, age is relative and it really depends on each situation, but if you are in high school, I would exercise some caution in terms of dating more than two years older/younger. I don't want to be age-ist, but just realistic: when you are a teenager, there is a HUGE difference between a 15 year old and a 17 year old. Likewise with a 16 year old and an 18 year old. Take any two year age difference in the years from about 12** to 19***, and you'll find a massive maturity gap. I mean, I'd just like to break down some of these for you:
a.) If you're a 13 year old dating a 15 year old, you're a seventh grader dating a freshman. You're in middle school and dating a high schooler. Let's take that the other way around. If you are in high school, you're dating a middle schooler. Right now, that would be a person born in 1995 dating someone in 1997. To put that in perspective: the Titanic came out in 1997. Pocahontas came out in 1995. Does the age gap seem rather large to you now? Good.
b.) If you're a 16 year old dating an 18 year old, that means you're a high school sophomore dating a freshman in college (again, or vice versa). To put that in perspective: hey college kid! the other kid was born AFTER "A Whole New World" hit the radios. That's right...after Aladdin. Geez, this is making ME feel old...
I'm hoping that's enough to illustrate things for you. Now, there are a few exceptions to this rule. I mean, I knew a few couples who managed to work things out even with the whole "omg, high school vs. college" age gap...but it's HARD. It's like, learning how to drive versus learning how to LIVE ON YOUR OWN. It's like learning geometry vs. learning calculus. There's just such a HUGE age gap there.
2. How do you feel?: I mean, are you considering this because this is a pretty cute kid and you know ze's had a huge crush on you for a while now? Or did you just wake up one day, realize that ze's pretty hot and awesome and you want to date hir? I mean, hormones are funny things. I too have felt the power of being the object of a full-fledged, first crush. Again, with the first rule of dating:
DON'T DATE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE ZE LIKES YOU.
which leads us to...
3. How does the younger sibling feel about you?: OK, so say you've figured out that yes, you actually really do like this person. Now...do you think this person reciprocates?**** OK, but do you think ze is mature enough to handle dating you? Are you mature enough to handle dating hir? Are you both looking for the same things, and could both see yourselves dating each other very successfully, or being very cool in a break up? This is important, and leads us to the final point...
4. How does your best friend feel about it?: Here's the thing: your best friend is YOUR BEST FRIEND. Treat hir with respect. Ascertain whether or not the dating is a viable option, and then ask your biffle before your proceed. Why? Because best friends don't go behind their best friend's backs to date someone. Obviously, hir opinion matters. You wouldn't be questioning the ethics of this situation, otherwise. So ask. Discuss matters with the younger sibling first, and then ask. You just don't want to cause a false alarm heart attack with the best friend, ok?
I hope that helps! And remember folks, jump those railroads!
xoxo,
risk(Y)
PS: the nerdfighter thread can be found here, and the formspring box is to your upper right. Alternatively, you can just click on this link :)
______________________________________________________________
*Examples include: dating a CURRENT professor, dating a CURRENT boss, and dating someone you are closely related to. I mean, the last is pretty much another way of saying "biological disaster." The others are just bad situations asking to happen.
**I'm counting 12 as a teenager, damn it. It never made sense to me the idea of "preteen" only existing for 11 and 12 year olds. 12 for me was a pivotal time. You start shopping for adult clothes at 12. 11, yes, very young. 12 is very different from 11.
***These numbers, of course, exclude ages differences that involve one age outside of the 12-18 range (example: 18 and 20, or 19 and 21) on the older side of the scale. If you're a 12 year old and you're dating a 10 year old, please ask yourself: should a 10 year old really be "dating" anyone at all? Seriously. Rethink some issues there.
****refer to here for more details.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Bases...an addendum to the last post
A few administrative notes and then my post:
I am a college student. This is my last year. I am incredibly busy, as I have several applications/qualifying exams/a full course load (seriously, I am at maximum credit hours. Do not mess). That being said, the most I can update is twice a week. Twice. I'm sorry. I know, it's going down from every other day. I'll try to update every other day when I'm on break.
That being said, updates will occur on Mondays and Wednesdays. I hope that works, and thank you for still reading :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, in regards to the last post I wrote, I got a question on formspring. This question was:
The Base System (1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, and Home) is basically a system of measurement for the "farthest" a heterosexual relationship has gone. Basically, I like to go with the Five F's System. The Five F's System vs the Base System is a lot like Metric vs. English. Everyone else in the world can understand the Metric system, but since Americans* are just soooo in love with baseball**, you basically just have to convert to the one that makes sense. Also, one can apply the Five F's System to any type of relationship involving a penis, and you really can't do that with the Base System, as its definition of "going home" is basically limited to P.I.V. Sex....but more on that later in the post.
That being said, the Five F's System is as follows:
1. Friends: There is no equivalent of the "Friend" stage in the Base System. This is stupid, because you really have a preliminary stage in all relationships, and that is "talking." As in, "we are friends but probably both of us want to go much farther, but we're just going to talk and flirt, etc."
2. French: "French" obviously refers to "French Kissing," that is, kissing with tongue and possibly a little upper body groping. In the Base System, this is "first base." However, many people have problems with the idea of "First Base" including upper-body groping, mostly because of the above-the-shirt, under-the-shirt, duration-of-time arguments.***
3. Finger: Now, there really isn't a clear equivalent for Fingering**** in the Base System. A lot of people like grouping it with making-out, upper-body groping as "Second Base." Some people like grouping it with oral sex. This is because people have mixed ideas as to what a handjob/fingering entails*****. "Fingering" in the Five F system doesn't really have anything to do with details like "Oh, was he actually inside, or was he just sort of fiddling around with my panties? And does it count if I was rubbing him above his pants?" In this system, "Fingering" really just means, "you were using your hands in some way to stimulate the genital area of your partner." It's sort of like how in physics, "work" doesn't mean what it does in layman's terms. Deal with it.
4. Fellatio: Obviously, "Fellatio" is just used as the catch-all term for oral sex because it's a lot easier to remember the "Five F's" System than it is to remember the "FFHFCF" System. It's a mnemonic device, NOT a political statement. But anyways...oral sex. It's a separate stage, and in the Base System, it is ALWAYS at third base. However, in the Base System, as stated above, it is often grouped with other activities involving the genital area. This is ridiculous, as there is a huge difference in the convenience level of covertly fingering someone's pussy, and actually being in a situation where you could, you know, eat hir out.****** Oral sex and Fingering are also completely different in terms of skill sets. While Oral sex can involve fingering/hand job-like motions, oral requires your mouth to know what it's doing. Just saying.
5. Fuck: Fuck means sex. Whatever your sexual identity, there is an equivalent of "going all the way." This is "Home Plate" in the Base System. "Fuck" is a nice general term because it can be thrown around in any situation and basically means, "we were as sexual intimate as two people of our genders can be." For "Home Plate," however, the implication is "if it's not penis-in-vagina sex, it's not going all the way." This means that girl can be anally penetrated by a guy, but some people would still not call that "having sex." Obviously, I have issues with that*******. "Fuck" can be applied to every single type of couple because it is a universal and fluid word.
Now, some notes on the system:
Yes, in almost every situation, the acts occur in this order. It is VERY rare for a consensual sexual encounter to go immediately to Fucking, or even to skip over Fingering. Oral sex/stimulation is a bit more flexible (it can be left out in many situations) but in terms of how far a couple has gone, normally people do go through these stages (whether they are having a one night stand that goes from zero to 60, or if they are in a committed relationship that is taking things step by step).
The issues I had with Mia and Michael were that it sounded like Mia went from taking it slow to basically wanting to jump Michael. The staging of it all just seemed a bit skewed. Generally, a couple has a set pace that they follow...going all or nothing is something generally unheard of. Mia seemed to have made up her mind to take it slow, and then, when Michael came back, she was perfectly willing to lose her virginity to him, even if she knew she had made the same decision for the WRONG reasons, two years before. It just seemed off.
I hope that helps!
And Remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(Y)
PS: The nerdfighter thread is still active, and the formspring box is to your upper right. Please ask questions, as without questions, this blog wouldn't exist :)
________________________________________________________
*And, you know, I'm an American, and it annoys me that the metric system isn't intuitive for me since it wasn't taught with emphasis in school.
**Or, you know, inches and other measurements that never, EVER make sense for conversion.
***In a nutshell, these arguments are: "Does it count if it's over the shirt, and in passing? Or does it have to be under the shirt? And does it count if it's over the shirt, and it's definitely placed there and even doing some massaging? And what about the bra? Do the boobies have to be in direct contact with hir hands and mouth?" etc. This is just ridiculous. In the Five F system, if there is boob action, you are Frenching. If you have arguments about this, I don't want to hear it. It makes sense, as Frenching=Making out and Making Out, as you can see from the first definition @ urbandictionary.com CLEARLY CAN INCLUDE "some groping." I mean, obviously, "Frenching" is much more of an emphasis on tongue action kissing, but tongue action kissing to the point of boob action is basically what is encompassed in the Five F System. Please don't argue this point. Just move on. This footnote is already ridiculously large and I don't want to come up with any more sources than are really necessary.
****Or, if you want to mess up the Five F format, you can convert very easily to "handjob." Does that work? Yes. Is it as alliterative? No. Am I still going to include it in this discussion because I hate being heteronormative? Yes. OK. Let's move on.
*****And PS: the beauty of the Five F system is that fingering/handjobs don't have to be mutual. I am under the impression that it doesn't count as "completing a base" unless both of you have done something.
******I'm sorry, but I just have to be blunt here. It's really easy to covertly slip your hands up a person's skirt/down hir pants. It's not so easy to gain enough access to the clit and vagina in order to, you know, lick. The Former can be done secretly and covertly in public...the other requires either really lax public indecency laws/privacy, and space to lay down. Obviously, a blow job can occur standing up, but the first requirement is still necessary.
*******Mainly, the fact that anal sex is genital-to-genital contact and requires as much, if not more, trust as PIV Sex. While on one hand, defining what "fucking" is, is something that should be decided on a case-by-case basis, I feel like the idea that a heterosexual couple must be having PIV sex in order to say that they are "having sex" is a very hetero-normative idea. A heterosexual couple could be having queered up sex. I find the idea "If a girl's vagina doesn't give her as much pleasure as her anus does, then she's not really going as far as she could go if she's not having vaginal intercourse" absolutely ridiculous, and also dangerous from a feminist/female standpoint.
I am a college student. This is my last year. I am incredibly busy, as I have several applications/qualifying exams/a full course load (seriously, I am at maximum credit hours. Do not mess). That being said, the most I can update is twice a week. Twice. I'm sorry. I know, it's going down from every other day. I'll try to update every other day when I'm on break.
That being said, updates will occur on Mondays and Wednesdays. I hope that works, and thank you for still reading :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, in regards to the last post I wrote, I got a question on formspring. This question was:
What was supposed to come after the "little boob action" to make it realistc?
-The Ignorant One
The Base System (1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, and Home) is basically a system of measurement for the "farthest" a heterosexual relationship has gone. Basically, I like to go with the Five F's System. The Five F's System vs the Base System is a lot like Metric vs. English. Everyone else in the world can understand the Metric system, but since Americans* are just soooo in love with baseball**, you basically just have to convert to the one that makes sense. Also, one can apply the Five F's System to any type of relationship involving a penis, and you really can't do that with the Base System, as its definition of "going home" is basically limited to P.I.V. Sex....but more on that later in the post.
That being said, the Five F's System is as follows:
1. Friends: There is no equivalent of the "Friend" stage in the Base System. This is stupid, because you really have a preliminary stage in all relationships, and that is "talking." As in, "we are friends but probably both of us want to go much farther, but we're just going to talk and flirt, etc."
2. French: "French" obviously refers to "French Kissing," that is, kissing with tongue and possibly a little upper body groping. In the Base System, this is "first base." However, many people have problems with the idea of "First Base" including upper-body groping, mostly because of the above-the-shirt, under-the-shirt, duration-of-time arguments.***
3. Finger: Now, there really isn't a clear equivalent for Fingering**** in the Base System. A lot of people like grouping it with making-out, upper-body groping as "Second Base." Some people like grouping it with oral sex. This is because people have mixed ideas as to what a handjob/fingering entails*****. "Fingering" in the Five F system doesn't really have anything to do with details like "Oh, was he actually inside, or was he just sort of fiddling around with my panties? And does it count if I was rubbing him above his pants?" In this system, "Fingering" really just means, "you were using your hands in some way to stimulate the genital area of your partner." It's sort of like how in physics, "work" doesn't mean what it does in layman's terms. Deal with it.
4. Fellatio: Obviously, "Fellatio" is just used as the catch-all term for oral sex because it's a lot easier to remember the "Five F's" System than it is to remember the "FFHFCF" System. It's a mnemonic device, NOT a political statement. But anyways...oral sex. It's a separate stage, and in the Base System, it is ALWAYS at third base. However, in the Base System, as stated above, it is often grouped with other activities involving the genital area. This is ridiculous, as there is a huge difference in the convenience level of covertly fingering someone's pussy, and actually being in a situation where you could, you know, eat hir out.****** Oral sex and Fingering are also completely different in terms of skill sets. While Oral sex can involve fingering/hand job-like motions, oral requires your mouth to know what it's doing. Just saying.
5. Fuck: Fuck means sex. Whatever your sexual identity, there is an equivalent of "going all the way." This is "Home Plate" in the Base System. "Fuck" is a nice general term because it can be thrown around in any situation and basically means, "we were as sexual intimate as two people of our genders can be." For "Home Plate," however, the implication is "if it's not penis-in-vagina sex, it's not going all the way." This means that girl can be anally penetrated by a guy, but some people would still not call that "having sex." Obviously, I have issues with that*******. "Fuck" can be applied to every single type of couple because it is a universal and fluid word.
Now, some notes on the system:
Yes, in almost every situation, the acts occur in this order. It is VERY rare for a consensual sexual encounter to go immediately to Fucking, or even to skip over Fingering. Oral sex/stimulation is a bit more flexible (it can be left out in many situations) but in terms of how far a couple has gone, normally people do go through these stages (whether they are having a one night stand that goes from zero to 60, or if they are in a committed relationship that is taking things step by step).
The issues I had with Mia and Michael were that it sounded like Mia went from taking it slow to basically wanting to jump Michael. The staging of it all just seemed a bit skewed. Generally, a couple has a set pace that they follow...going all or nothing is something generally unheard of. Mia seemed to have made up her mind to take it slow, and then, when Michael came back, she was perfectly willing to lose her virginity to him, even if she knew she had made the same decision for the WRONG reasons, two years before. It just seemed off.
I hope that helps!
And Remember folks, Jump Those Railroads!
xoxo,
Risk(Y)
PS: The nerdfighter thread is still active, and the formspring box is to your upper right. Please ask questions, as without questions, this blog wouldn't exist :)
________________________________________________________
*And, you know, I'm an American, and it annoys me that the metric system isn't intuitive for me since it wasn't taught with emphasis in school.
**Or, you know, inches and other measurements that never, EVER make sense for conversion.
***In a nutshell, these arguments are: "Does it count if it's over the shirt, and in passing? Or does it have to be under the shirt? And does it count if it's over the shirt, and it's definitely placed there and even doing some massaging? And what about the bra? Do the boobies have to be in direct contact with hir hands and mouth?" etc. This is just ridiculous. In the Five F system, if there is boob action, you are Frenching. If you have arguments about this, I don't want to hear it. It makes sense, as Frenching=Making out and Making Out, as you can see from the first definition @ urbandictionary.com CLEARLY CAN INCLUDE "some groping." I mean, obviously, "Frenching" is much more of an emphasis on tongue action kissing, but tongue action kissing to the point of boob action is basically what is encompassed in the Five F System. Please don't argue this point. Just move on. This footnote is already ridiculously large and I don't want to come up with any more sources than are really necessary.
****Or, if you want to mess up the Five F format, you can convert very easily to "handjob." Does that work? Yes. Is it as alliterative? No. Am I still going to include it in this discussion because I hate being heteronormative? Yes. OK. Let's move on.
*****And PS: the beauty of the Five F system is that fingering/handjobs don't have to be mutual. I am under the impression that it doesn't count as "completing a base" unless both of you have done something.
******I'm sorry, but I just have to be blunt here. It's really easy to covertly slip your hands up a person's skirt/down hir pants. It's not so easy to gain enough access to the clit and vagina in order to, you know, lick. The Former can be done secretly and covertly in public...the other requires either really lax public indecency laws/privacy, and space to lay down. Obviously, a blow job can occur standing up, but the first requirement is still necessary.
*******Mainly, the fact that anal sex is genital-to-genital contact and requires as much, if not more, trust as PIV Sex. While on one hand, defining what "fucking" is, is something that should be decided on a case-by-case basis, I feel like the idea that a heterosexual couple must be having PIV sex in order to say that they are "having sex" is a very hetero-normative idea. A heterosexual couple could be having queered up sex. I find the idea "If a girl's vagina doesn't give her as much pleasure as her anus does, then she's not really going as far as she could go if she's not having vaginal intercourse" absolutely ridiculous, and also dangerous from a feminist/female standpoint.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Is Mr. Darcy Real? YA Fiction and Real Life Romance
Today's question comes via the FORMSPRING (PS: I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED THAT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY USING THIS BECAUSE IT IS WAY AWESOME AND MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL).
The question was submitted anonymously and is as follows:
Actually, I am very glad about this question because I have an extreme, love/hate relationship with YA romance novels.
Here's the deal: Heterosexual, girly, YA fiction is rarely accurate. I mean, think about it: how many girly YA books have you ever read where the girl's crush is totally legit and realistic?
Take "The Princess Diaries" by Meg Cabot, for example. I mean, I love Meg Cabot, and I love "The Princess Diaries," because, after all, they ARE well written (I mean, grammar-wise).
In the Princess Diaries, Mia falls in love with (and eventually loses her virginity to) Michael Moskovitz. And I mean, Michael is the ultimate fantasy dude. This goes far and beyond the normal romance novel hero. The normal romance novel hero has some sort of dark and mysterious past that makes them hard to live with or something. Michael Moskovitz has none of that. Michael Moskovitz is:
1. A senior (Mia is a freshman)
2. Totally hot (he lifts weights and thus, has a six pack and nice biceps)
3. A super genius (he eventually makes it to Columbia and then, as a freshman, manages to invent some sort of robotic super-surgery arm in Japan. WTF?)
4. Musical (starts a band and writes songs about Mia)
5. Actually a genuinely nice guy and likes Mia back immediately and arguably falls in love with Mia before Mia falls in love with him.
6. Generally popular--nobody messes with him.
I mean, I feel like you can have two, maybe three, of those characteristics in high school but not all the rest. Let's face it...Michael is a super-gorgeous genius athlete. I'm not trying to be down on the human race or anything, but how realistic is that, in terms of your first love/boyfriend? Not realistic AT ALL. Not to mention the fact that Michael is a senior in high school and is dating Mia, a freshman. I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes or gross generalizations, but there is A HUGE DIFFERENCE between a high school senior and a high school freshman. Honestly, I have talked to my guy friends about this, and they all agree: dating a freshman girl is sort of embarrassing, unless you are clearly doing it for the easy sex, in which case, it is still embarrassing, just more douche-y.
High school is about cliques. I mean, MTV has created an ENTIRE SHOW about cliques and the general suckage that results from said cliques.* I mean, sure, there is the occasional really awesome, non-clique school filled with excellent people and absolutely NO drama...but let's face it, how typical is that? High school cliques are important in this discussion because transcending clique lines is something damn near impossible. In high school, your friends are all the people you hang out with--the people on your team, in your play, in your advanced classes, in your not-so-advanced-classes. Even if you participate in the Spring Musical AND are on the varsity soccer team, you're probably going to be much closer to one group than the other.
That being said, yes, it is damn near impossible to find a Michael Moskovitz. And also, what would a mature, wonderful guy like Michael Moskovitz experience if he was dating a freshman? Absolute public humiliation. I'm trying to be real here, and maybe my high school experience was much rougher than the norm--but if a senior guy was in such a chaste relationship** with a freshman girl, people would ask questions. Most of these questions would start with the phrase "WTF?" and end with "is he gay????"
I'm trying to be real here.
Also, a lot of these books are all about how it's perfectly normal to be a social pariah, especially if you are surprisingly tall and thin and no acne and maybe glasses to make you ugly. This is just BS. Take any girl in any well-established teen romance*** is an outsider who magically undergoes a massive makeover, dons a beautiful gown, and becomes really, REALLY hot.
You know why? Because girls with clear skin and tall, willowy frames will always be hot. Unless you have major dental issues or maybe hair that leaves a TON to be desired****, if you are built like a model with dewy, fair skin...you're not going to be considered an ugly social pariah.
So yes, YA fiction has a lot to be desired, in terms of heterosexual relationships. I mean, Twilight features a girl who falls in love with a boy that...well...appears in her bedroom and says "I love watching you sleep and also I am dangerous." And ok, maybe not in those exact words, but just as a nice PSA to all the young girls out there:
Ahem.
I think YA fiction has a lot of the same effect that porn has in terms of romance and sex: it gives unrealistic expectations to reality and people end up getting disappointed.
That being said, I LOVE queer YA romance. From what I've read (and actually, I've read a lot because my school is fantastic and has a GREAT queer YA section in the library), queer YA fiction deals more with the realistic downfalls of romance*****. This is because queer YA romance fiction exists to basically be like, "You are not alone and these are terrible emotional and physical issues that every queer person has to go through" instead of heterosexual romance YA fiction, which basically exists to be like, "I am gratuitous and isn't it lovely to experience rainbows and unicorns vicariously?"
And here's the thing: queer YA romance books can TOTALLY be applied to EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP, EVEN HETEROSEXUAL ONES. Why? Because there is always that boy/girl you shouldn't date, because of your friends, or your family. There is always that magical first love that you find yourself in, that completely takes over every aspect of your life. There is ALWAYS some reason to break up that you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER.
In real life, young love is traumatic. It's exhausting. It involves way more people than just the people in the relationship. And, quite frankly, you're not going to find realistic trauma in "The Princess Diaries."******
So, go ahead, and read those deliciously gratuitous books about Princesses and Perfect Boys and Oh-So-Misunderstood-Outcasts. I mean, they're fun.
What you SHOULDN'T do, is expect for that fiction to be applicable and true to life.
Sorry for the rant...but I hope that helps! Thank you SO MUCH for one of the most interesting questions I've had :)
And remember folks, JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!"
xoxo,
Risk(Y)
PS: Don't forget, the nerdfighter thread is STILL active, and the formspring box is to your upper right! Also, I LOVE comments!
~R
____________________________________________________________
*Or, if you want another, non-trash-life example, check out the movie "Mean Girls."
**I mean, they basically just make out until they actually have sex. Mia becomes convinced that you have to "Jane Eyre" a boy to make him stay. Basically, they go from maybe a little like boob action to going all the way, magically, on the night of her senior prom, after NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR LIKE TWO YEARS WHILE HE WAS IN JAPAN. HOW is this accurate?????
***Mia Thermopolis, Bella from Twilight, Hermione from HP and the Goblet of Fire, Ginny Weasley in like, every HP book after 4, that girl from "Geek High" who even states, (and I'm quoting directly here from the ebook version): "It's because of those propaganda films that every smart but plain girl secretly believes that
one day she'll shake out her hair and the hot guy in school will
suddenly see her for the beauty she really is.
But I don't wear my hair up, or have glasses. And my clothes are pretty
much the same ones from the Gap that everyone else at school wears.
And so far, no one's ever confused me with Lindsay Lohan." (pg 45, and written by Piper Banks).
****And, I mean, even Hermione magically gets THOSE issues fixed (like, literally. She uses magic and BOOM. She's hot and Ron is all like "WTF VIKTOR KRUM????")
*****Namely, how will your friends react? Your parents? Will it last, or will you be throwing away a ton of filial ties for nothing? Don't believe me? Read "Keeping You A Secret."
******Well, ok, maybe marginally, sometimes a boy will try to get close to you by sleeping with your best friend, and then your best friend will stop being your best friend because she was in love with him and he took her virginity and lied about why he broke up with her just so he could get back to you, but you are probably not an object of desire because you are, in fact, the model-like princess of Genovia, and he is probably not the ruggedly handsome son of a Hollywood producer. Also, you may be incredibly depressed over your first true love leaving for another country because he thinks school is really important and he wants to change the world and be "worthy of you," but that boyfriend will probably not be a super-genius developing a surgical arm in Japan and your "worthiness" will probably not be determined by the gross domestic product of a small European enclave.
The question was submitted anonymously and is as follows:
How do you think romance/relationships in YA fiction influence real life ones?
Actually, I am very glad about this question because I have an extreme, love/hate relationship with YA romance novels.
Here's the deal: Heterosexual, girly, YA fiction is rarely accurate. I mean, think about it: how many girly YA books have you ever read where the girl's crush is totally legit and realistic?
Take "The Princess Diaries" by Meg Cabot, for example. I mean, I love Meg Cabot, and I love "The Princess Diaries," because, after all, they ARE well written (I mean, grammar-wise).
In the Princess Diaries, Mia falls in love with (and eventually loses her virginity to) Michael Moskovitz. And I mean, Michael is the ultimate fantasy dude. This goes far and beyond the normal romance novel hero. The normal romance novel hero has some sort of dark and mysterious past that makes them hard to live with or something. Michael Moskovitz has none of that. Michael Moskovitz is:
1. A senior (Mia is a freshman)
2. Totally hot (he lifts weights and thus, has a six pack and nice biceps)
3. A super genius (he eventually makes it to Columbia and then, as a freshman, manages to invent some sort of robotic super-surgery arm in Japan. WTF?)
4. Musical (starts a band and writes songs about Mia)
5. Actually a genuinely nice guy and likes Mia back immediately and arguably falls in love with Mia before Mia falls in love with him.
6. Generally popular--nobody messes with him.
I mean, I feel like you can have two, maybe three, of those characteristics in high school but not all the rest. Let's face it...Michael is a super-gorgeous genius athlete. I'm not trying to be down on the human race or anything, but how realistic is that, in terms of your first love/boyfriend? Not realistic AT ALL. Not to mention the fact that Michael is a senior in high school and is dating Mia, a freshman. I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes or gross generalizations, but there is A HUGE DIFFERENCE between a high school senior and a high school freshman. Honestly, I have talked to my guy friends about this, and they all agree: dating a freshman girl is sort of embarrassing, unless you are clearly doing it for the easy sex, in which case, it is still embarrassing, just more douche-y.
High school is about cliques. I mean, MTV has created an ENTIRE SHOW about cliques and the general suckage that results from said cliques.* I mean, sure, there is the occasional really awesome, non-clique school filled with excellent people and absolutely NO drama...but let's face it, how typical is that? High school cliques are important in this discussion because transcending clique lines is something damn near impossible. In high school, your friends are all the people you hang out with--the people on your team, in your play, in your advanced classes, in your not-so-advanced-classes. Even if you participate in the Spring Musical AND are on the varsity soccer team, you're probably going to be much closer to one group than the other.
That being said, yes, it is damn near impossible to find a Michael Moskovitz. And also, what would a mature, wonderful guy like Michael Moskovitz experience if he was dating a freshman? Absolute public humiliation. I'm trying to be real here, and maybe my high school experience was much rougher than the norm--but if a senior guy was in such a chaste relationship** with a freshman girl, people would ask questions. Most of these questions would start with the phrase "WTF?" and end with "is he gay????"
I'm trying to be real here.
Also, a lot of these books are all about how it's perfectly normal to be a social pariah, especially if you are surprisingly tall and thin and no acne and maybe glasses to make you ugly. This is just BS. Take any girl in any well-established teen romance*** is an outsider who magically undergoes a massive makeover, dons a beautiful gown, and becomes really, REALLY hot.
You know why? Because girls with clear skin and tall, willowy frames will always be hot. Unless you have major dental issues or maybe hair that leaves a TON to be desired****, if you are built like a model with dewy, fair skin...you're not going to be considered an ugly social pariah.
So yes, YA fiction has a lot to be desired, in terms of heterosexual relationships. I mean, Twilight features a girl who falls in love with a boy that...well...appears in her bedroom and says "I love watching you sleep and also I am dangerous." And ok, maybe not in those exact words, but just as a nice PSA to all the young girls out there:
IF A BOY THAT IS NOT YOUR LONG-TERM BOYFRIEND AND/OR BEST FRIEND MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS IN YOUR ROOM AND SAYS "I LIKE WATCHING YOU SLEEP AND ALSO YOU SMELL LIKE DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS FOOD TO ME," DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. SIMPLY PICK UP YOUR CELL PHONE AND DIAL 911, BECAUSE THIS BOY IS NOT EDWARD CULLEN; THIS BOY IS PROBABLY MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND YOU ARE IN PHYSICAL DANGER.
Ahem.
I think YA fiction has a lot of the same effect that porn has in terms of romance and sex: it gives unrealistic expectations to reality and people end up getting disappointed.
That being said, I LOVE queer YA romance. From what I've read (and actually, I've read a lot because my school is fantastic and has a GREAT queer YA section in the library), queer YA fiction deals more with the realistic downfalls of romance*****. This is because queer YA romance fiction exists to basically be like, "You are not alone and these are terrible emotional and physical issues that every queer person has to go through" instead of heterosexual romance YA fiction, which basically exists to be like, "I am gratuitous and isn't it lovely to experience rainbows and unicorns vicariously?"
And here's the thing: queer YA romance books can TOTALLY be applied to EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP, EVEN HETEROSEXUAL ONES. Why? Because there is always that boy/girl you shouldn't date, because of your friends, or your family. There is always that magical first love that you find yourself in, that completely takes over every aspect of your life. There is ALWAYS some reason to break up that you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER.
In real life, young love is traumatic. It's exhausting. It involves way more people than just the people in the relationship. And, quite frankly, you're not going to find realistic trauma in "The Princess Diaries."******
So, go ahead, and read those deliciously gratuitous books about Princesses and Perfect Boys and Oh-So-Misunderstood-Outcasts. I mean, they're fun.
What you SHOULDN'T do, is expect for that fiction to be applicable and true to life.
Sorry for the rant...but I hope that helps! Thank you SO MUCH for one of the most interesting questions I've had :)
And remember folks, JUMP THOSE RAILROADS!"
xoxo,
Risk(Y)
PS: Don't forget, the nerdfighter thread is STILL active, and the formspring box is to your upper right! Also, I LOVE comments!
~R
____________________________________________________________
*Or, if you want another, non-trash-life example, check out the movie "Mean Girls."
**I mean, they basically just make out until they actually have sex. Mia becomes convinced that you have to "Jane Eyre" a boy to make him stay. Basically, they go from maybe a little like boob action to going all the way, magically, on the night of her senior prom, after NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR LIKE TWO YEARS WHILE HE WAS IN JAPAN. HOW is this accurate?????
***Mia Thermopolis, Bella from Twilight, Hermione from HP and the Goblet of Fire, Ginny Weasley in like, every HP book after 4, that girl from "Geek High" who even states, (and I'm quoting directly here from the ebook version): "It's because of those propaganda films that every smart but plain girl secretly believes that
one day she'll shake out her hair and the hot guy in school will
suddenly see her for the beauty she really is.
But I don't wear my hair up, or have glasses. And my clothes are pretty
much the same ones from the Gap that everyone else at school wears.
And so far, no one's ever confused me with Lindsay Lohan." (pg 45, and written by Piper Banks).
****And, I mean, even Hermione magically gets THOSE issues fixed (like, literally. She uses magic and BOOM. She's hot and Ron is all like "WTF VIKTOR KRUM????")
*****Namely, how will your friends react? Your parents? Will it last, or will you be throwing away a ton of filial ties for nothing? Don't believe me? Read "Keeping You A Secret."
******Well, ok, maybe marginally, sometimes a boy will try to get close to you by sleeping with your best friend, and then your best friend will stop being your best friend because she was in love with him and he took her virginity and lied about why he broke up with her just so he could get back to you, but you are probably not an object of desire because you are, in fact, the model-like princess of Genovia, and he is probably not the ruggedly handsome son of a Hollywood producer. Also, you may be incredibly depressed over your first true love leaving for another country because he thinks school is really important and he wants to change the world and be "worthy of you," but that boyfriend will probably not be a super-genius developing a surgical arm in Japan and your "worthiness" will probably not be determined by the gross domestic product of a small European enclave.
sorry for the unannounced hiatus...
hey gang,
I'm in the process of moving back to campus. Posting is going to be somewhat limited this week, due to my severe lack of time and also my need to rearrange my schedule. Love you lots, expect regular posts to be back next week.
xoxo,
Risk(y)
I'm in the process of moving back to campus. Posting is going to be somewhat limited this week, due to my severe lack of time and also my need to rearrange my schedule. Love you lots, expect regular posts to be back next week.
xoxo,
Risk(y)
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